Dating in the Dark
by twicrack83
Summary: Two sets of quirky friends, one week in California, and one crazy game show.  What could go wrong… or right?  Hilarity and lemons ensue!  Canon pairings/AH/OOC  Rated M because I know you like it!
1. Say what!

**A/N: Hello again, all my lovelies! I missed you all terribly, and I can't wait to hear what you think of this little diddy. If you read my other fic, WP, I will just let you know that this story is a complete and total 180. Lots of silly, crazy, hilariousness that I had to get out of my head. It revolves around a TV game show that really exists, so no copyright infringement is intended. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. I own a husband that planted this silly plot in my head. © 2011 twicrack83**

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><p>*~*BPOV*~*<p>

"_Welcome to 'Dating in the Dark,' the game-show where three single men and three single women vie for each other's affections, all while under the veil of complete darkness."_

"Are we seriously watching this?" I groaned, listening to the TV host announce his show. Walking to the living room, I plopped myself down on the couch between Alice and Rose, popcorn bowl in hand. "I can't believe people really do stuff like that."

"_Th_ove it, Bella," retorted Rose, lisp intact. She may have been a bombshell, but the minute she opened her mouth all her S's turned into TH's. Poor girl hadn't had a date in two years. Apparently guys around here couldn't get past the fact that she sounded like a five year old when they were in the sack. Guess it was a real cock-block when she said, "I'd love to _th_uck your dick." Whatever. She was a great friend and an awesome roomie. Alice, on the other hand, could be a piece of work.

"She's right, Bella," interjected Alice, reaching into the bowl of popcorn resting on my lap. "Just because we like these shows, doesn't mean you have to berate us for it. We watch your stupid hockey games without complaining."

Granted, I'd made them suffer through all of my hockey games throughout high school, college, and even now, but this was ridiculous. I swallowed my sarcasm and relaxed into the cushions, getting ready to feast my eyes on some good, quality, American… crap. Sometimes growing up was hard to do.

I'm sure Alice and Rose were just itching to hear my remark of disapproval, but they'd gotten used to my snarkiness over the years. The three of us grew up together in a small suburb of Wisconsin. We were inseparable and shared each other's deepest, darkest secrets. In high school, the other kids knew us as "the brat pack" mainly because of how snobby we were to them. We didn't care to talk to them and it came across as snooty. Oh well. We had each other and that was all that mattered.

After high school, we couldn't imagine separating, so we all went to the University of Wisconsin. I got a full-ride on a hockey scholarship as the team's goalie, but just ended up with a general degree. Alice was artsy-fartsy and got a degree in art education, and Rose was practical and got a degree in secondary education with an emphasis in natural science.

Even though we all graduated with bachelor's degrees, Rose was really the only one "making it" in the real world. She was teaching physical education at a local high school and coaching their girls' soccer teams. Alice wasn't able to find a job using her degree per se, but she was happy working in clothing retail where she dressed people on a daily basis. On the other hand, I couldn't do much with my degree, so I ended up working a managerial position at Home Depot while I trained and played for the US women's hockey team.

"All right, fine," I replied, sinking further into the couch between them. "But I just don't understand what the appeal is. I mean, really… six complete strangers all shacking up in a mansion, keeping the girls separated from the boys, and then pairing them off in dark-washed rooms so they can feel each other up before actually seeing the person. It sounds pretty farfetched if you ask me."

"It's all about getting to know the person first, and not judging them based solely on their appearance… oh, no!" Alice brought her knees up to her chest with lightening speed. She was pretty much in the fetal position, but upright on the couch. Her cheeks reddened, she started panting, and her eyes rolled back in her head. Then the moaning began. "Mmm, holy… yes!"

One thing about Alice was she was full of surprises growing up. Not one to have traditional tea parties with her teddy bears, she would drag Rose and I to her backyard so we could have paintball fights… at the age of four. I never understood why my parents continued to let me hang out with her after coming home with welts all over my body, but I guess that's acceptable when you're doped up all the time. As we got older, she calmed down slightly and stopped inviting us to sleep-overs, and stopped coming to ours. Rose and I didn't have a clue what was happening until one day in high school when we found her in the bathroom… touching herself.

"_Oh my god! Yes! Please… mmm, right there."_

"_Alice?" I question, and make my way to the stall. "Is that you in there?"_

"_Are you okay?" Rose asks as she follows me. "I_th th_omeone in there with you?"_

"_Please go away, guys," Alice whimpers breathlessly. "I don't want you to see me like this. I'm a complete mess."_

_We reach her stall and I push on the door, but no luck. She's got it locked. "Alice, sweetie, you have to let us in. We promise we won't laugh… whatever it is."_

"_Promises won't cut it this time," she sniffles. "This is the most horrifying thing ever, and you'd disown me if you found out what's wrong with me. It's disgusting!"_

"_Ali, we won't think you're di_th_gu_th_ting," Rose assures her. "We're your be_th_t friend_th_. We love you no matter what."_

"_I don't know, you guys. This is really embarrassing."_

"_Please?" I whine and push on the stall door again._

"_Fine," Alice agrees. "But you have to swear on your lives that you won't tell anyone. I mean it!"_

_She slowly unlocks the door and swings it open. Sitting on the toilet, wiping her eyes with toilet paper, Alice looks exhausted. She peeks up at us through her lashes and whispers, "I have a disorder, one that you'd think would be awesome, but in reality, it's the most terrible affliction I can think of."_

_Rose and I nod, willing her to continue. What the hell could this be?_

"_I have PGAD."_

"_Umm… P what?" Rose looks at me in confusion._

"_P-G-A-D. PGAD. It stands for persistent genital arousal disorder. Basically, I have orgasms all the time, but mostly they're triggered when I hear someone swearing." Alice drops her head into her hands and starts sobbing. "You guys have to think I'm so gross!"_

"_No, Alice," I intervene, going into the stall with her and giving her a hug. "We don't think you're gross… weird, yes, but you already know that. And you're right… that does sound pretty awesome at first. But it obviously is a curse. Do you want to tell us more about it?"_

And tell us more she did. We spent the rest of that afternoon in the stall with her, just listening to her cry and tell us about PGAD. Come to find out that's why she stopped hanging out with us so often, why she wouldn't come to sleep-overs, and why she'd run from the classroom abruptly and not be back for awhile. I always assumed she had a bowel problem, but I wasn't too far from the body region she was finding bothersome. Unfortunately, cursing was a trigger, and I swore like a sailor in high school. After she bared her soul to Rose and me, I tried my best to cut it out of my vernacular. It was really difficult at first, and I ended up sending her running to bathrooms more than she appreciated. Eventually, she figured out that if she got herself off, then her uncontrolled orgasms weren't as intense, and she could hide them when we were in public. However, this meant she had to take "poon breaks" whenever we went somewhere. Later, we just started referring to them as "PBs" and no one else ever suspected a thing.

"Do you want u_th_ to leave, Ali?" asked Rose, getting up from the couch.

"Mmm… no, Rose. Oh… my… ungh," Alice grunted, shaking in her seat. She uncurled herself and rested her feet back on the floor. "I think I'm done. I missed my last 'PB' at work today because of a crappy staff meeting, and when that guy on TV said he liked 'shooting the s-h-i-t' with his friends, I just couldn't contain myself."

"Okay," Rose acquiesced, and sat back down next to me again. "Well, maybe you _th_ould go take care of your need_th_ now."

"I should be good for awhile, but thanks for reminding me. That one was pretty strong, so I'll finish watching this show before calling it a night."

They smiled at each other and went back to ogling the three men on the TV. Sure, I loved me some hunky man-meat, but I wanted mine to be ripped, with thighs of steel and an ass that didn't budge when I squeezed it. The puny dorks I was currently faced with had much to be desired. One was balding… gross. Another had bigger boobs than me… super eww. And the last guy couldn't stop grabbing his junk. What was with that, anyway? Did they have to make sure it hadn't accidentally fallen off? Or was the reason to constantly play with it so it was always at half-mast, giving ladies a false impression of endowment? The world may never know.

"Well, as much as I love spending time with my two beautiful ladies," I interrupted and passed the bowl to Alice, "I can't stomach this show anymore."

"But you have to _th_tay and watch it with u_th_, Bella," Rose whined. "And be_th_ide_th_, we have an announ_th_ement for you."

Fuck. I hated it when they did this to me. They always swore it was for my own good, but more often than not, I'd end up regretting a one night stand or having hair removed from my lady bits in the worst possible manner. I still have scars, but I digress.

"Oh, no, you don't!" I practically yelled and bounced up from the couch. "You guys know I hate surprises, and whenever you try to do things for me, it ends up eight ways of wrong. So, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll pass this time."

"You can't, sweetie," pouted Alice, grabbing my arm so I couldn't get away. "We already booked the flight and we leave next week."

I stared down at her in horror, but she wasn't fazed. She and Rose stared straight back up at me, waiting for my response, but I was so blinded with fear that words were unable to form at the moment.

"Don't you want to know where we're going?" asked Rose, smiling so big I'm surprised her cheeks hadn't exploded.

I didn't respond. My brain was still trying to catch up to the fact that we were going to be on a plane within the next seven days, and they'd gone behind my back to set it up.

"We're going to California!" they exclaimed together, catching me further off-guard.

"And don't you want to know why?" Alice continued, now holding me in place so I wouldn't fall on my ass.

Alice turned to Rose, then they both jumped up, each taking an arm and squealed, "We're going to be contestants on 'Dating in the Dark'!"

"What!" I screamed, losing my balance and falling straight backwards. It wouldn't have been enough just to fall on the floor… no never. Instead, I fell onto the glass coffee table, tearing a huge gash through my upper arm. "Ouch! Fuck!"

"Bella! You said… oh, god!" Alice started reaching for me instinctually, but withdrew her arms as soon as I uttered the "F" word. She landed on the floor next to me, taken over by her disorder.

"Rose, do something!" I hollered, blood squirting from arm.

She ran to the bathroom and quickly returned holding a bath towel. Sinking to the floor, she held the towel firmly to my bloodstained arm.

"_Th_tay calm, Bella. Try to let your heart rate _th_low down, or you'll lo_th_e too much blood."

"Yes, yes, yes!" Alice wailed, squirming around.

Looking over at Alice, Rose rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Well, _th_e's no help. I have to call 9-1-1. You're bleeding too much. Are you okay keeping thi_th _tight on your arm while I get the phone?"

I nodded, maneuvering around carefully to take the towel from her. Rose ran to the kitchen to get the phone, but the second she hit the tile, her feet flew out from underneath her and she landed flat on her back. Her head smacked on the floor and she was knocked out cold.

"Shit!" I cursed, trying to get off the floor.

"No! Not again!" Alice yelled, and writhed around as another orgasm racked her body.

"Aaahh! Do I have to do everything myself?"

Pushing off the floor, I hobbled to the kitchen realizing Rose slipped on water that had spilled from the dog's dish. "Dammit, Pugsy! Why the hell are you so messy?" I shouted at the dog who was nowhere to be found.

Finally reaching the phone, I dialed the much needed emergency service. Hoping to hell they'd show up fast, I felt myself getting woozy from blood loss. I sunk to my knees, gripping the counter for support. Just then, Alice came into the kitchen, catching me before I made out with the tile.

"9-1-1. What is your emergency?" the dispatcher asked through the phone.

"Help," was all I managed to say before passing out completely.

/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/

The next week sucked. I had to listen to Rose complain about not hearing back from the hot EMT guy who transported her to the hospital, and Alice was having a rough time controlling her… urges. She was nervous and excited about our trip and that kicked her symptoms into high gear. I had to call her work and ask that she take off for the three days before we left because she couldn't make it out of her room for more than twenty minutes without experiencing… discomfort.

Thankfully, my arm was healing rather nicely. Twenty-eight stitches and two pints of packed red blood cells later, I was happy to show off my war wound. Never mind that I told my coworkers it happened at the rink. They didn't need to know I was slightly clumsy and prone to accidents. What they didn't know wouldn't hurt them.

Unfortunately, my happy little injury wouldn't keep me smiling for long. No matter how many times I bugged Alice and Rose about the trip, they weren't joking when they said we'd be leaving for California within a week. They were going to kidnap me from our home in Madison, Wisconsin and parade me around on a game show that I detested. I was looking forward to this trip about as much as getting my legs waxed. They were so going to pay for this.

"You have to bring these, Bella," Alice chimed, pulling various barely-there panties from my dresser and throwing them in my suitcase on the floor. "I can't let you wear your granny panties while we're away. What kind of friend would that make me?"

"If you were a good friend, I wouldn't be in this mess," I countered, flopping down lifelessly onto my bed. "Why? Why would you do this to me?"

"Oh, _th_uck it up, Bella," Rose shouted down the hall from her room. "I know you're gonna end up having fun, and you never know… you may find your _th_oul mate, too."

"Highly unlikely," I moped, throwing my arm over my eyes. "With the losers I've seen on that show so far, I'll be lucky not to laugh in their faces when they do the big reveal at the end."

I could practically hear the eye rolls. They both knew I was a party pooper, but I was planning on making their lives miserable for the rest of eternity if this ended badly, and I'm sure they knew that, too.

"I really don't understand why you have to be so negative all the time," started Alice, bending over to pick up my suitcase. She carried it over to my closet, slid open the door, and began rooting through my clothes. "Well, crap. All I see are t-shirts, jeans, and sweatpants. You have worse fashion sense than a third grader. I guess I have to blame myself, though."

She turned around, abandoning my wardrobe, and took a flying leap on top of me, pinning me to the bed, cowgirl style. Pulling my arm off my face, she said, "I've let you down, Bella. Actually, I'm surprised you've managed to get laid at all wearing those atrocious clothes. I'll tell you what… I'm going to take you to my store, and we're going to pick out an entire new closet for you." Alice reared back and started clapping as I groaned in disapproval. "Oooh, I'm so excited! Let's go!"

Immediately letting my limbs go limp, I laid motionless on the bed. "You'll have to drag me there. I won't go of my own accord. I protest this endeavor with all of my being, and don't deem it necessary in the least. There is absolutely nothing wrong with jeans, sweats, and t-shirts. They keep the good parts covered until I want someone to see them, and add tantalizing friction under certain pelvic grinding circumstances."

"Really?" huffed Rose, as her and Alice pulled me off the bed by my ankles and dragged me to the car. "You're gonna have to do better than that."

"Yeah," agreed Alice, strapping me into the backseat of the car. "Just because you work at Home Depot and the dress code is jeans and t-shirts, doesn't mean you have to live in them when you aren't there."

I whined the entire way to her store and while we were shopping. Alice and Rose picked out dresses, skirts, high heels, and even frilly, lacey unmentionables. They weren't lying when they said they'd go all out and replace my whole wardrobe. I convinced them to hang onto essential pieces for my job and working out, but that only left me with four original outfits. Everything else that now hugged my hangers was girly to the nth degree, and I was being forced to like it.

The only good thing I was looking forward to was getting away from that shithole of a job for a week. Stocking shelves, mixing paint, and getting drooled over by dirty, pot-bellied, middle-aged, balding men wasn't exactly my ideal job, but it paid the bills and worked around my hockey schedule, so I suffered through it. Maybe I would find the man of my dreams on this god-forsaken game-show, and he'd make enough money so I'd never have to work again. Ha! That's even less likely than me enjoying myself for more than five minutes.

The morning of our departure, I woke to my alarm clock blaring… at three AM. Damn airlines and their crazy-ass flights. Not to mention the insanity that is check-in, or making it through security without getting strip searched. We had a seven o'clock flight, but had to arrive two hours before, just to battle that hellacious mess.

Literally rolling out of bed onto the floor, I crawled to my door, cracking it open slightly. I peeked down the hall and everything was still dark. Good. Maybe they forgot me in their haste to leave. I could go for some quiet time.

As I started to shut the door and return to the haven of suffocating myself in my comforter, tiny fingers curled around the door frame. Dammit. So close.

"Did you think we forgot you?" Alice asked. "Not a chance, babe."

She completely pushed open my door, Rose standing arms crossed behind her, both glaring daggers at me on the floor. I smiled sheepishly up at them, shrugging my shoulders.

"I was hoping, but it seems you're still here."

"That'_th_ right, chica," Rose stepped closer, standing inside my room now, pointing her perfectly manicured finger in my face. "You have two opt_th_ion_th_. One… get your_th_elf ready and pre_th_entable, or two… we do it for you. And you know we won't be gentle."

"Fine," I spat back at them in defeat. "I'll get ready, but I'm not gonna like it, and you two are gonna regret this little venture for the rest of your lives."

I got myself ready under the ever-watchful eyes of my roommates, and we were off to the airport before I had the chance to make a break for it. While I schemed about opportunities for escape, we made our way to our terminal and waited not so patiently for the flight. I tried several times to evade my captors by claiming I had to pee, but each time someone would go with me. They could have just strapped one of those child leashes around my waist and called it a day, but I think they were secretly enjoying watching me squirm.

Eventually, we boarded our flight and were on our way to sunny California. Major shit balls. That's right; this was really happening. I was currently being rail-roaded by my two best friends, forced to dress in over priced couture, and taken hostage across state lines, all to supposedly be swept off my feet by love at first sight on a show where you couldn't even see the other person. My life was fucked more ways than Jenna Jameson, and, I can assure you, I wasn't enjoying it like she does.

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><p><strong>AN: Whatcha think? We've met our girls and they're all kinds of fun. Hockey-ella is in for some fun, whether she likes it or not, Alice has her... issues to contend with, and Rose has a speech impediment. Next up, the boys! Plenty more surprises to come!**

**Drop me a review and get a teaser of EPOV from chapter 2!**

**Oh... I guess I should mention that this shares the same title has my hubs' fic. If you've read his version, I PROMISE you, mine is not a parody like his. Just good, clean, hilarity and canon pairings to wet your palate! ;) If you're so inclined... he's linked on my profile, and you can check out his stuff, too. Tell him I sent you!**


	2. Effing hell!

**A/N: Hello! Welcome back for round two. I have to say a super-huge thank you to all the favorites, alerts, and reviews! You are all mega-awesome!**

**Thanks to my betas: Sovereignvision and Jenny Cullen.**

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. I own a twisted sense of humor. Enjoy! ****© 2011 ****twicrack83**

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><p>*~*EPOV*~*<p>

"Damn! She's a beast!" exclaimed Emmett as he took the phone out of my hands and assessed my latest conquest. We'd just finished our daily weight lifting session, and I finally showed him what I was up to last Friday night while we walked to the lockers. "I hope you didn't tap that. She looks like she could leave some serious funk behind."

"Well, no," I returned, quickly grabbing my phone and deleting the photo. "Not that it's any of your business anyway, but I haven't slept with her. I only took her out on one date. We didn't even kiss when I dropped her off at her apartment."

"You asked that mammoth out on a date?" Jasper questioned, making his way into the locker room at our local gym and joining our conversation. "I thought I warned you, man. She's way low on the totem pole, and you can do so much better."

"I know," I agreed, running my fingers through my sweaty hair and wrapping a towel around my waist. "I just haven't had any luck in the lady department lately, and I thought I'd try someone different."

"Someone different?" asked Emmett with a disgusted look on his face. "Or some_thing_ different? She looked like a mix between Chewbacca and Pizza-the-Hut."

I laughed at Emmett and made my way to the showers. He and Jasper were right. I could do so much better, but for the past seven months, nothing seemed to go my way. Before that, I felt like I was on a roll, asking any girl out I wanted, not worrying if I had plans on the weekend, and being able to get laid on a regular basis. But then, my life turned upside down when a little known secret about me reared its ugly head. I'm still not convinced it wasn't Emmett. He'd been mad at me ever since I banged his ex-girlfriend, Lacey, and I was just waiting for him to get revenge. But he swore on his mother's grave it wasn't him, so I dropped it and moved on.

Unfortunately, I never did figure out who spilled the beans. In our small town just outside of Denver, Colorado, news travelled faster than you could spit. So, when _someone_ ratted me out and said I was a ballet dancer on the side, the entire town knew by dinner-time, and I hadn't been able to land a decent date since. Hence, the monstrosity that I took out last Friday. I get chills just thinking about it.

Ever since Jasper, Emmett, and I met on the first day of high school, we'd been best buds. We always had each others' backs and tried to keep one another from making bad decisions, especially in the girl arena. So, when I told them my career path was to go to Julliard's School of Dance and become a professional ballet dancer, Jasper and Emmett tried their best to change my mind. But as stubborn as I was, I didn't listen, and now here I was, being shunned by all eligible women within a fifty-mile radius.

I really didn't get it, though. Being a danseur automatically made me damaged goods, but being a cheerleader didn't faze girls in the least. Emmett was a cheerleader all through high school and college, where he got his speech therapy degree. For some unknown reason, that made girls flock to his side. He got more head than Jasper and I combined, and he had the best day-job in the world. Not only did he have his pick of weekly pussy, but he got to hang out with major league baseball players on his days off. When he wasn't working at the grade school as their speech implementer, he was the mascot, Dinger, for the Colorado Rockies and loved every minute of it. I, on the other hand, travelled the world with dance companies, seeing corners of the earth some people only dreamed about, and girls didn't want anything to do with me. Must be the tights and leotards.

"Come on, Edward," said Emmett, grabbing his bag off the bench. "You had to know that was an awful idea to begin with. I mean… I know it must be difficult to have to pet the one-eyed-monster by yourself, but I wouldn't even wish that hideousness on Royce, and you know how much I hate that bastard."

"Yeah, we really have to get you laid, man," Jasper started, as we made our way to the car. "I can't stand the thought of you sinking as low as that ogre again. S-s-shit! She was nasty."

"Okay, I get it, already," I returned, buckling my seatbelt and turning on the car and heading home. "I won't make that mistake again. But you guys are going to have to help me out because now my reputation is tarnished. No amount of charm can convince ladies that spandex and tutus are sexy."

"That's because tutus and spandex aren't sexy," chuckled Jasper, then abruptly held his breath and shut his eyes as tightly as he could manage. "F-f-fuck! D-d-dammit!"

Poor Jasper. He was never the same after he hit puberty. At first, Emmett and I thought he was just exercising his ability to expand his vocabulary with colorful expletives. He'd shout them out randomly during conversations, often interrupting the other person talking. We started ignoring the outbursts, deciding they were simply annoying and he'd get over it if we left it alone, but then he told us what was really going on.

He'd invited us over to his house for the weekend during our sophomore year of high school, swearing he had big news he had to share with us. He sat on the floor in front of the couch with Emmett and I taking up residence on said sofa, all duking it out on his _Nintendo64_. I rolled my eyes at Emmett when Jasper announced he had news. He was always the sensitive one, and he liked to talk more than any guy I knew. So, when he asked us to spend the weekend at his house, we knew he must have been itching to tell us a secret. We had no idea it would throw us for a loop.

"_Hey, guys?" Jasper begins, taking a deep breath and curling his legs underneath him. "I have something I need to tell you." He sets his game controller on the floor in front of him and leans back against the couch._

"_What's up, Jazz?" Emmett asks, looking utterly bored already. "Spill."_

"_So, I know you've both noticed my outbursts. The one's where I scream curse words."_

"_No, man," I interrupt, messing with his head. "We have no clue what you're talking about."_

"_Fuck off, Edward," Jasper huffs, and swiftly turns, giving me a dead-leg. As I rub my shin, he continues, "Well, I've been seeing a doctor about it for around three months now, and he finally gave me a diagnosis this week."_

"_A diagnosis? For what… swearing too much?" Emmett snickers and reaches to me for a fist-bump, but I decline. I don't need another bruised shin._

"_No," counters Jasper, glaring at Emmett. "Well, not exactly, anyway. The neurologist told me I have coprolalia, a symptom of Tourette syndrome. He said I have tics, too, but they're so minor that I never noticed them."_

"_You mean like when you squint your eyes really tightly, or flex your right shoulder almost constantly?" I question._

"_Yeah!" Jasper smiles, happy that I really do pay attention. "That's exactly what the doc said, too. I never realize I'm doing it, though, and he said that's good because those tics will continue to subside as I get older. So will the swearing, apparently, but that's yet to be seen."_

"_Whoa, dude," interjects Emmett, sitting up straight and backing away from Jasper. "Are you contagious? I don't wanna get infected."_

"_You're a true dumbass, you know that?" returns Jasper, shaking his head and rolling his eyes. "No, I'm not contagious, and I don't need meds, either. I can sort of control the symptoms, too. The best way to describe it is like when you feel a sneeze coming on and you stop it from happening. Same thing goes for the cursing. Only bad side to that is it usually bites me in the ass later in the day."_

"_Why? Do you internally combust?" I chuckle, thinking I'm making a joke, but quickly catch on that I'm not too far off._

"_Kind of. If I suppress the cursing during school, then all that tension builds up and has to be released somehow, so it all comes out when I get home. That's why I bolt at the end of the day. I have to get home and relieve my internal combustion, as you put it."_

"_I'm sorry, Jazz," I apologize, patting his back. "I didn't know you actually had something wrong. Emmett and I just thought you were being obnoxious, so we ignored it whenever you started cursing. Is there anything you need us to do?"_

"_Thanks, Edward. I don't need you to do anything but what you're already doing. Just keep ignoring my outbursts and tics. Like I said, it's like a sneeze, so no big deal. Actually, you've already been a big help by ignoring me. It doesn't make me feel like an invalid that way."_

The rest of that weekend was pretty normal. Well, as normal as it could've been after finding out one of my best friends had a neuropsychiatric disorder that caused him to be… random. Jasper was right, though. Already having practice at ignoring his tics and outbursts helped Emmett and me get over the fact that now he had a label. And that's all it would ever be; a label that was accompanied by some unfortunately timed muscle movements and hilarious profanities. Jasper even managed to develop new phrases we'd never heard before, like "dick snatcher" and my favorite, "pussy pumper." Emmett deemed that one would be Jasper's new motto when we found him riding the head cheerleader, Jennifer, after one of their practices.

Thankfully, no one ever truly picked on Jasper because of his symptoms. He wasn't ridiculed or belittled, and I'd like to think Emmett and I had something to do with that. In high school, Emmett was already enormously muscular and I was the star lacrosse goalie. Since no one dared get on Emmett's bad side for fear of ending up as part of the asphalt, and I'd make sure they were shunned for eternity to the nerd crew, everyone stayed on their best behavior, and Jasper had an awesome time in high school.

College was a little trickier because we all went our separate ways. I'd gone off to Julliard, Emmett went to Colorado State University, and Jasper decided to try out Vanderbilt University in Tennessee. Being so far apart made it difficult to protect Jasper, but he swore he was having a great time. We figured out later the reason he was so thoroughly enjoying himself was because he was one of three male students in the nursing program. Needless to say, he pretty much sailed through college with girls fawning all over him… and under him.

After spending four years separated by thousands of miles, we planned to finally get back together in Colorado. Our biggest motivation for choosing Denver was because Emmett had already landed the job as Dinger, and that was just too awesome to pass up. Jasper easily found a position as a psych nurse in a doctor's office at Children's Hospital Colorado, and I travelled all over the world, so Denver was as good a home-base as anywhere else.

It was an easy transition moving in with Jasper and Emmett. We bought a house and joined a gym. I travelled every few months, and they kept me up to date on anything I was missing while I was away. Living with them was both fun and interesting, even when we were pissed at each other.

"You have to promise us that you'll never talk to that chick again," Emmett pressed as we set our workout bags in our rooms. "Because I seriously may disown your ass if you take her out again."

"Don't worry, Em," I said and walked into the kitchen for a bottle of water. "I have no intentions of even calling her. But I've been feeling very defeated lately, so I really need your help."

"Well, you're in luck," Jasper jumped into the conversation, shaking his canister of Muscle Milk and lounging on the couch. "Emmett and I have made some arrangements that should clear up your losing streak."

"What are you talking about… made arrangements?" I questioned, freezing mid-step on my way to the recliner. "When? Where? With who? And how much is this gonna cost me?"

The last time I asked Emmett and Jasper for help, I ended up spending over two thousand dollars, got a wicked sunburn, and woke up with a massive hangover and no hair on my left nut. Not cool. That's why it had taken me so long to ask for their help this time. I really wasn't looking forward to a repeat performance, and to say I was apprehensive was an understatement.

"Just hear us out, okay, man?" Emmett started, slugging me in the arm on his way to the couch. "We wanted to do something that would get you to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Your brooding is really getting on our nerves."

"We know you're not travelling for another two months," Jasper continued. "So we took the opportunity to make some travel plans of our own."

"Nope, no way. Not happening," I stammered, finally making it into my recliner, all while trying to figure out a way to get out of what was sure to be a huge mess.

"Just listen, Edward," Emmett glared at me from the sofa. "We really think this will work, and it's all we've got right now, so it's this or you're on your own."

"Plus," Jasper interrupted, "we already paid for it. You just have to fork over your portion when the trip is over."

"Oh, no," was all I could get out without blowing chunks. I rested my head in my hands and slowly shook my head, watching my life flash before my eyes.

"We leave in five days," added Emmett. "We're boarding a plane and heading to California. You know what they say about California?"

"No, Emmett," I deadpanned, staring straight at him with fire in my eyes. "What do they say?"

"Uh, well… it's… sunny?" Emmett backpedalled. "But I promise you it'll be so much fun you'll thank us when it's over."

"Would you two just spit it out already," I nearly screamed. I was getting pissed that they'd gone behind my back to make travel plans… and spent my money.

"All right, man," Jasper surrendered, shifting on the couch so he faced me. "We were watching TV awhile ago, and we came across a game show called 'Dating in the Dark.' We took it upon ourselves to register for the show, and they accepted us all to be contestants. We would've told you sooner, but we knew you'd freak and try to weasel your way out of going." Jasper closed his eyes tightly, suppressing a swear, and persisted, "That's why we leave in five days. You're going and you're gonna enjoy yourself."

"Besides," Emmett chimed in, "these girls won't know anything about you and your pansy-ass career. You can start with a clean slate and be as honest as you want. And super bonus… you don't have to look at them! You date them in complete darkness and only meet the ones that pique your interest."

Oh, this was getting shittier and shittier. How the hell was I supposed to date a girl I couldn't see? I am a man, after all, and there were certain physical characteristics that a girl needed to have in order for me to… get involved. Don't get me wrong. I wasn't opposed to feeling up some unsuspecting girls, but I also didn't want to come across as a major douchebag on national television. Then, instead of not being able to find a date in Denver, I wouldn't have a chance with any female in the continental US.

I rubbed my face harshly with my hands, shaking my head and willing for this all to be a joke. "You guys are kidding, right? This is all a big joke to see how far I'll actually go. Well, very funny, but I'll have to take a rain check. Catch me the next time you decide to plane hop to a game show."

I started getting up and walking to my room, when I noticed neither Jasper or Emmett were laughing.

"Edward," Jasper squeaked, "we're not joking around, bro. We really bought the tickets and we're going to be on that game show."

No. Fucking. Way. I stopped in the hallway and slowly turned around to face them again. "Look, I don't want to have to kill you two, so this better be worth it. I'll go because you've planned it already, but if I come back and haven't made any progress with the ladies, you'll both pay."

Jasper and Emmett both shook their heads and smiled like idiots. They whooped and fist bumped, and I rolled my eyes, making my way to my room. They were lucky I was in a semi-decent mood, because their heads were going to roll if this turned out badly. I'm not sure what made them think this would've been a good idea in the first place, but I had a feeling Emmett was the mastermind and Jasper was along for the ride just as much as I was.

/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/

"For the love of all that's holy!" I yelled and ran my fingers through my hair. I was sitting on my bed with my laptop, checking our flight time and wasn't pleased. "Did you two seriously reserve a flight for six-thirty in the morning?"

"Uh, yeah," Emmett returned, peeking his head into the hallway from the living room. "When else were we supposed to go?"

"A later flight would have been more appropriate, nimrod. Now, we have get up at O'Dark-thirty to catch the flight on time. And you're a dick when you're tired."

"Sorry, man. We just have to be at the studio in the early afternoon, and we wanted to make sure we were there with time to spare."

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. Whatever the reason, this was still the dumbest idea ever. We were leaving in less than forty-eight hours, and I was still holding out hope they'd claim bullshit.

"What the hell do we take with us?" I asked, walking down the hallway on my way to the refrigerator.

"Clothes, shoes, hair gel…" Emmett rambled as I pulled out fixings for a sandwich.

"I know that, idiot," I said, rolling my neck to relieve the building tension. "What I mean is, this is a game show, so do they require us to bring certain things?"

"Not that I know of. They never told us anything out of the ordinary. Only things we know are we'll be taped, it'll be dark, and there may or may not be a Jacuzzi on our side of the mansion."

Figured. I never should have started that conversation with Emmett. I thought Jasper might know more, anyway, so I waited till he got home from work to ask him instead. Unfortunately, I wasn't any closer to answers with Jasper at the helm than with Emmett. Neither of them knew more details, and I found myself stressing over what to pack.

We left for the airport at three o'clock on the rainiest day in Colorado's history. That's an omen if I ever saw one. After checking my bag with what I hoped to be adequate attire and accessories secured inside, we boarded our flight and waited for take-off. Not only was I still pissed about this entire ordeal, I was now also thoroughly surprised it was actually happening. I never thought they'd really be able to pull something like this off without me knowing, and here I was, nestled between a bearded woman and a man that reeked of vomit and old feet, on a plane heading to a game show that promised pitch black dating rooms and girls that could either be drop-dead gorgeous or "Drop-dead Fred."

I closed my eyes, plugged in my iPod, and attempted to calm my nerves as we made our way into the sky. At least the kid behind me wasn't kicking my seat… Nope, spoke too soon. For his sake, I hoped this flight was short, because not only was I planning his slow and painful death, but I was verging on the possibility of taking down this whole damn plane "Lost" style. Dying a fiery death didn't seem so bad when I was faced with several days ahead of the unknown. I just hoped one of the girls would let me get my grope on, be half-way decent to look at… and not care that I wore leotards for a living.

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><p><strong>AN: Now, we've met our boys. I see all kinds of fun things in store for our future couples. Next up, they arrive at the mansion. Let's hope they all make it there okay…**

**Teasers for reviews!**

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**See you soon! ;)**


	3. Here we go!

**A/N: Howdy all! Nice to see you still aboard. Thanks for the continued favorites, alerts, and reviews! They light up my inbox, and make me smile :) And also, big squishy hugs to cmpdred for bugging her friend with emails and rec'ing this story! Love you!**

**Thanks to my betas: Sovereignvision and Jenny Cullen.**

**Thanks to Donut Magnet for the revenge idea. You'll know it when you see it, sweets! ;)**

**Thanks to hneybee36 for reminding me this should be labeled with a big, fat NSFW! It's also probably safe to warn you not to consume food or beverages of any kind while reading… Your reading devices will thank you ;) (thanks drpharmgrl)**

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. I own a three month old that loves my boobs almost as much as my husband. ****© 2011 ****twicrack83**

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><p>*~*EPOV*~*<p>

"Worst. Flight. Ever," Emmett boomed as we piled into the taxi.

"It wouldn't have been that bad," I reprimanded, squishing myself between Emmett and Jasper. "But then you had to go and proposition the flight attendant, and she refused to serve us drinks the entire flight."

"I know! What a hoochie!" he huffed.

Jasper shook his head and glanced at me, "God, I hope he finds his soul mate on this show. I can only handle so much man-whoring."

"My thoughts exactly," I replied, nodding and sinking into my seat. "I kinda hope we all find someone special."

Emmett rolled his eyes. I knew he thought I was a pussy, but I also knew he was feeling the same way. We'd all showed signs of getting ready to find the perfect person. Surprisingly, Emmett was the one who actually mentioned it first. If I remembered correctly, his exact words were, "All I want is someone I can come home to, who will willingly drop to their knees on a regular basis and let me take them doggie-style." Now, I know what you're thinking. Not the most romantic thing in the world, but at least he had it narrowed down to only wanting one girl. Major improvement if you ask me.

On the other hand, Jasper and I had more productive talks about our futures with female companions. We often talked about finally settling down, what qualities we wanted in a wife, and even how many kids we'd like to have.

What? Guys can talk about that stuff, too. Don't judge. I know you think it's hot.

If I was really being honest, my lack of girl play in the previous months was more due to my wanting of a steady girlfriend than my career choice hindering my chances. Truthfully, I just wanted the same thing as Emmett, but in a not so crude way… well, maybe sometimes, but that's neither here nor there.

"That'll be thirty-five dollars, gentlemen," said the cab driver when we arrived at the mansion.

Jasper paid the driver while Emmett and I grabbed our bags from the trunk of the car. We slowly made our way into the house and were greeted by several members of the television crew. They showed us to our wing of the house, which to Emmett's delight included an oversized Jacuzzi.

"Hey, man," Emmett started, "when do the ladies get here?"

A particularly geeky guy, wearing Buddy Holly glasses and carrying around a pen and clipboard answered, "Uh, well… they won't be arriving until later this evening. I think there was some confusion at the airport, but you won't be able to see them, anyway. We'll make sure you're sequestered when they drive up and walk into the house. Don't want to spoil the surprise, now would we?"

"So, we won't even meet them until tomorrow, right?" Jasper questioned, peeking his head into the refrigerator, seeming pleased with the assortment of food.

"Correct, sir. You will all film your entrances in the morning, individually. Then you'll go on the group date in the evening."

We all nodded and continued staking out the living quarters. Each getting our own rooms, we also had a huge living area, a fully stocked kitchen, and more free time than we knew how to handle. This was great, but could potentially go downhill very fast, especially with a bored Emmett on our hands.

"You're kidding, right?" I asked Emmett when he suggested a game of truth or dare. "We haven't played that since high school."

"Oh, come on. It'll be fun. Are you scared, Edward?" he taunted and fell onto the couch next to me.

"Scared? Of what? You asking juvenile questions or coming up with the same dares over and over again? I don't think so. I'm just not in the mood."

Jasper eyed me wearily from the chair across the room and leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees. "But you're scared of something else. I can tell, man. What's up?"

"I'm not a hundred percent sure, but I think I'm freaking out about this whole thing still. I just don't feel psyched about any of it. Maybe even nervous is a good word."

"When was the last time you whacked off, bro?" Emmett questioned.

"Fucking hell, Emmett," I responded. "I told you I don't want to play truth or dare."

"No, man. Seriously, when was the last time? If it's been awhile, then maybe that will help you relax."

Valid point. Emmett wasn't always a doofus, especially when it came to matters of jerking it. He'd introduced me to my first toy in that arena, and I'd been happy with my _Fleshlight_ ever since. But I was also getting tired of using it, and really wanted to send it to sex toy heaven and replace it with a real girl. Unfortunately, finding a woman who wasn't afraid of my tight wearing tendencies was becoming a challenge. I hoped this trip would prove me wrong and give me the girl of my dreams.

"Yeah, um, I guess it has been awhile, Em," I sighed, running my hand through my hair. "I just haven't really thought about it lately, you know? All my energy has been focused on disguising the true me, that it's been the last thing on my to-do list."

"Dude, that should always be on your to-do list. Even Jazz knows that, and he hardly ever gets girls."

"Hey, asshole," Jasper interrupted, sitting up straight in his chair and glowering at Emmett. "I get girls. I just don't believe in boinking every single one of them, like you do. F-f-fuck! S-s-shit! Now, look what you've done!"

Jasper contorted his features as a fit started, and he tried to suppress it. Whenever he got worked up over anything, it threw his symptoms into overdrive. Being with a girl was one of those particular times, but in the heat of the moment, none of the ladies seemed to mind. However, it was mainly due to something Emmett said or did, and I ended up getting pissed off at him for it.

"Dammit, Em! You know not to provoke Jazz like that," I screamed, and smacked him upside his head. "You better keep it cool tomorrow during the group date, or I'll be forced to provide a long overdue beat down."

Emmett cowered away from me and apologized, "Shit! I know, man. Sorry, Jazz. But you guys both know I get on edge when I'm nervous, and then my mouth starts going faster than my brain can alert me to my mistake. I'll try harder, promise."

Shaking my head and rubbing my eyes with the heels of hands, I sank into the couch and took several cleansing breaths. Sometimes I felt like I was a constant mediator for these two, always playing the good guy just to keep things sane. The majority of the time, we got along swimmingly, but sometimes I felt like hauling off and smacking one of them.

"Are you two gonna behave tomorrow, or am I gonna be forced to keep you both in line?"

Jasper had calmed from his fit and was rolling his neck and shoulders. "Yeah, Edward. Don't worry about me. As long as motor-mouth over there can keep his thoughts to himself, I shouldn't have a problem controlling my symptoms."

I stared down Emmett until he responded, "Dude, I said I'd try harder. That's all I can give you right now. You may have to give me a signal if I start getting out of control. Maybe tap my shoulder or something."

"Fine," I agreed, getting up to walk to my room. "I'll either cut into the conversation or kick you if you get too crazy. But you're both on your own for the single dates, so you better get a grip on your situations before then."

They both nodded, and I shut the door to my room and plopped on the bed before they could get in another word. I was not going to be their babysitter this entire trip. I did that too much as it was, and this was supposed to be a mini-vacation. And mind you, a vacation they planned without me, which was supposedly for my own good. I severely hoped they could get their acts together in the next couple of days, or these girls were gonna laugh us off the show.

_Knock, knock._ "Need a magazine in there?" Emmett asked from outside my room.

"Dammit, Emmett!" I hollered towards my door. "I'm trying to take a nap."

"Well, I just thought you might wanna…"

"I'm not gonna blow my load here, so shut it!"

"Shutting it!"

Ugh! I knew he meant well, but I didn't want to hear it right now. A nap truly seemed like a good idea. It would at least take my mind off of the next several days, and I was sorely in need of a break… and we'd only just arrived.

Closing my eyes, I ran through the days' events, analyzing the details. Plane ride… relatively uneventful. Getting settled in the mansion… pretty cool. Emmett… usual douchebag tendencies. Jasper… needed some encouragement before tomorrow. Slipping further into sleep, I thought of ways to help Jasper relax before the date. He always did better when others were calm around him, so I'd have to be as composed as possible. I'd have to keep Emmett in check, as well, to ensure a seamless interaction with the girls. Easier said than done. I had my work cut out for me, and when sleep finally took over, I knew tomorrow would be the most difficult date of my life.

/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/

*~*BPOV*~*

"Is this how you're gonna act the entire time we're here?" asked Alice, as we deboarded the plane and made our way to baggage claim. "Because you're really starting to get on my nerves."

"Acting what way?" I replied, in no mood to converse with her or anyone for that matter. "You mean distant and pissed. I think I have every right to act like this since you've hijacked my sanity to fly me halfway across the US to be videotaped for your viewing pleasure. Just be thankful I'm restraining my curse words right now."

I glared at Alice and a look of shock bounced across her face right before understanding then terror. She distanced herself from me slightly, before pushing Rose between us. She knew if she stepped on my toes anymore this trip I'd start flinging out the swears just to make her suffer. Nope, I was definitely not above torturing my best friends for what they'd done to me.

"Bella, would you give it a re_th_t," Rose huffed, pulling her luggage off the trolley. "Lighten up already and enjoy your_th_elf. You're only making it harder for everyone involved, and we thought you'd really like a vacation."

Damn. She pulled out her sad eyes and even pouted a little at the end there. Rose knew it broke my heart to make them miserable, but I just wasn't feeling this trip at all. The only thing that could make this worth it would be if one of the guys was built of steel and knew what to do with his hands… and his dick, but who was keeping track.

"I'm sorry," I returned, really trying to mean it. "I thought we were going to plan the next vacation together. It was supposed to be a girlie thing, but I just feel side-swiped. I guess it wouldn't be so weird if I was informed in the first place."

"Well, you know why we didn't?" Alice started, not seeming too scared of me anymore. "We thought you'd scream and pitch a fit until we gave it up, but this just seemed like so much fun that we had to sign up."

I rolled my eyes and rubbed the back of my neck with my hand. Alice was dead-on. I would have given them hell for this idea, and they never would have gotten their way. We probably would've decided on another destination, and who knows how that would've turned out. So, I supposed this was as good an idea as any.

Resigning to the fact that fate would take over from here on out, I trusted that Rose and Alice made a good decision on our vacation. Because really, what could go so wrong that I would end up regretting spending quality time with my girls. We shall see. I still wasn't entirely convinced of a positive outcome.

And my fears came true. After waiting for over an hour at the baggage trolley, I realized my luggage was nowhere to be found. Suppressing a full-out hissy fit, I stomped over to the little, old lady sitting at the airline kiosk and grumbled about my lack of suitcase.

"Excuse me," I said, as politely as I could manage, "I need to figure out how to get my bag. It apparently didn't arrive with us, and I'm sorely in need of clothing and a toothbrush for the next week, seeing as how indecent exposure isn't an option in our society and dental hygiene is a top priority."

The old lady hunched forward on her stool and got her face as close to the computer screen as possible without bumping into it with her gnarly nose. "What's your name, sweetie, and which flight did you come in on?"

I cringed as her gravelly voice grated on my nerves and answered, "Isabella Swan, and we flew on Southwest Airlines flight 856. We had a layover in Dallas-Fort Worth."

"Ah, well there's your problem," she paused, slowly pecking away at the keyboard. "Your bags didn't make it through the layover. They're en route now, though. We can set up delivery to where you're staying, if you'd like."

Okay, maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all. "Sure, that'd be great." I gave her the address to the mansion-slash-film-set, and she started clicking at the keys again.

"Thanks, hun. I sent in the information, and the airline will deliver it right to your door… sometime within the next forty-eight hours."

My jaw dropped open and I almost jumped across the counter to strangle the poor woman. Thankfully, Alice and Rose recognized my shift in temper before I made a scene, and they each grabbed an arm before I made a flying leap. I was fixing to go on a rampage, and the old lady knew it. Before I had time to take a breath, the lady whipped out her can of mace, cocked it, and sprayed it right at my eyes. Fuck, that shit burned!

"Spicy eyes! Spicy eyes!" I screamed, clawing at my face and scrambling backwards, willing the sensation to go away. "You stupid… ugh… oh my god! This stings!"

"Security's on their way!" shouted the old lady.

Great. Just what I needed. I could feel Alice and Rose pulling me around, and they eventually got me calmed down enough to sit in a chair. Seriously debating ripping my eyeballs out of their sockets, I contained my curses and waited for the security officers to show up. Not two minutes later, I was being escorted to a back room and questioned about involvement in terrorist activities.

"I just want my bag, officers," I pleaded, trying to justify my actions. Staring up at them, as blurry as they were, I explained, "Overreaction is a fault of mine. I tend to take things way out of proportion, and when the kiosk attendant stated that my much needed luggage would be delayed, I sort of lost my temper. But I assure you, I never meant her any harm, and I apologize for scaring her."

Apparently, my statement satisfied them, and they led me to the first-aid area so I could get my eyes washed out. Even after all the water in the world, my eyes and most of my face was a lovely shade of fire truck red. Maybe the make-up artist on the show would have some tricks to cover up my blotchy skin as well as my stupidity. At least the guys wouldn't see me like this. I had several days before the "reveal," so I still had the cover of darkness on my side.

Walking back out to meet up with Rose and Alice, I hid my discolored face from passer-bys the best I could.

"Serves you right, Bella," Alice snickered, pointing to the waiting taxi. "If you weren't such a sour-puss all the time, bad things wouldn't happen to you like that. Now, let's get you out of here before anyone else starts staring."

All I could do was nod slowly as we made our way into the car. I was thoroughly deflated from my afternoon of humiliation, and Rose took sympathy on me. She casually combed her fingers through my hair on the way to the mansion, offering words of encouragement and trying her best at cheering me up. I had to admit, it helped a lot.

As the mansion came into view, I took a deep breath and held it. The next several days were going to test my courage and my sanity, but I had my girls with me, and if nothing else, I knew they'd be coming home with me, too. Now, all I had to do was embrace the inevitable and hope to hell my suitcase made it to me before filming began.

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><p><strong>AN: Poor Bella. Maced and blotchy. Not a good first impression… but at least the boys won't be able to see her. See, there's always a silver lining. Now, will her luggage arrive in time?**

**And Edward… hmmm. To self-love or not to self-love? That is the question. Help me decide by telling me in a review or messaging me on Twitter!**

**Like my grandmother would say, "I got the Twitter!" Follow me – twicrack83 – I'll post story nonsense, but mostly it will just be me… well, being random. **

**Next up, the intros and group date. Woot!**

**Teaser for reviewing! See you soon! ;)**


	4. Shampoo sucks!

**A/N: Hello! Hello! Hello! So glad everyone's enjoying my story. Your reviews are great to read! Apparently, I had readers crying, peeing, and going into full blown asthma attacks. I do apologize for any harm I may have caused, but from what I heard, it was well worth the momentary discomfort.**

**Also, I do respond to every review, but you have to sign in all the way for me to reply (FF sucks like that). Sorry for anyone I missed. Rest assured, I loved every single one of them and smiled ear to ear when another one pinged on my phone.**

**So… THANK YOU (yes, I'm yelling) for all the reviews, alerts, and favorites. I truly do love them all… but not that way, because, well, that would just be weird… and make my computer grody.**

**Thanks to my beta and prereader: Sovereignvision and Twifan82**

**Thanks to my VBs: Jenny Cullen, Angel_eyes1_uk, and TwifanUK**

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. I own a two year old that needs an attitude adjustment. ©2011 twicrack83**

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><p>*~*BPOV*~*<p>

After getting settled into our side of the mansion and being briefed by the producer, we hunkered down for the evening like any group of girls on vacation would… we raided every bottle of alcohol in the kitchen and went to town. They had the good shit, too.

The next morning, we were all nursing hangovers, chugging water, and wishing we'd thought through the consequences. Damn Long Island Iced Teas get me every time. I should've known to stop when Alice started shedding clothing and Rose decided it was a good idea to shoot food out of her nose. Neither one of them ever held their liquor very well, but they made for a great show. It's all fun and games until someone gets a jelly bean stuck in her nose.

"Why doe_th_ my no_th_e hurt?" asked Rose, walking into the kitchen in the morning, rubbing her nose. "Don't tell me I went in_th_ane with the food again."

I pulled some fruit out of the fridge, shut the door, and turned to the counter. "Yes, my dear, you decided we should all have a contest to see who could shoot different foods the farthest. I believe Alice won with peanuts, but you prevailed when raisins were the food du jour."

She sat down at the table, shaking her head and covering her face with her hands. Rose was regretting last night just like me and Alice, who was currently resting belly down on the couch.

"Mmfd dng trs," Alice mumbled, face buried in pillows.

"What was that, sunshine?" I questioned, bringing her a bowl of fruit. "I didn't quite catch that."

Alice turned her face sideways and replied, "My ears hurt. They're throbbing to the beat of my heart. It's like they're revolting and trying to detach themselves from my head."

"Well, after all the vodka you consumed, I imagine that would be about right. Eat this and I'll get you some more water."

Setting the bowl of fruit on the coffee table next to Alice, I took her empty glass and went to the kitchen to refill it. While I was at it, I got Rose a glass of water, too, and popped some bread in the toaster for her. I'd always taken care of them in the past after drunken nights and hellacious parties, so now was really no different. Despite the fact I was feeling crummy, too, I couldn't stand to watch my girls suffer. I really didn't know where I'd be if it weren't for them. They'd been there when… well, when my life exploded into a million pieces, and I know I wouldn't have survived without them. But I wasn't about to let the past ruin my spiffy vacation. The airline was doing enough of that on its own, you know… losing my luggage and all.

After finishing off two pieces of toast and three full glasses of water, I wandered aimlessly around our side of the mansion. Not looking for anything in particular, I found my way to a balcony that overlooked the front driveway. I could see the doorway we'd walked through last night, and the other half of the mansion, where I assumed the boys were staying. Several trees lined the driveway and speckled the yard in front of the house, and I thought they were hiding all the windows. That was until the wind blew and revealed the lower half of a small window… and the naked midsection of one very nice boy toy.

I ducked down automatically, hiding my face between the slats of the balcony railing, inadvertently licking my lips. The wind must have heard me praying for it to pick up again, and a good long gust whipped through the front of the mansion. As it touched the trees, the branches danced beautifully out of the way, and I was now staring at the unclothed backside of said boy toy. Rawr!

My mind started running rampant with what he must look like all put together. But if the pieces I was glimpsing were any indication, he was a fine specimen of man. Tall, lean, and just enough muscle definition to make me want to run my fingers… and my tongue over his abs. He seemed to have a fine smattering of happy trail fuzz by the way the light shown through his window, and his ass was nice and round, not flat like most guys.

By the time the wind blew through a third time, no one was standing in the window anymore. I sighed in defeat, slowly standing up from my crouched position. As I turned to go back to my room, I smacked right into one of the security guards who was glaring at me, arms crossed in front of his chest. I stumbled backwards, but caught myself on a table before I fell.

"I don't believe you should be out here," he said, staring me down.

"Oh… umm," I stuttered, hoping I wasn't in big trouble. "I was just going for a walk and got lost."

"Yeah, right," he rolled his eyes and motioned for me to follow him. "I'll take you back to your room… where you need to stay until someone from the film crew gets you personally."

With a simple "yes, sir," I followed him back to the suite where Alice and Rose were waiting for me. I could tell they were keeping something from me the minute I stepped into the room, but I didn't know why.

"What?" was all I got out before Alice spoke up.

"So, we have…news. Some good, some bad, but it's news," she babbled, wringing her hands so roughly that I thought she'd burn a hole straight through her palms.

I looked at her without emotion, just wanting her to spit it out already. As I took a seat on the couch, she began, "While you were on your walk, the airline dropped off your luggage."

"That's great!" I responded, feeling exponentially better that I'd have clothes now. But as I glanced between Alice and Rose, I realized it really wasn't going to be great.

"Well, yes… and no," Alice paused and peeked over at Rose who was standing in the hallway. Now that I looked at her better, it was clear Rose was hiding something behind her legs.

"We don't want you to freak out, Bella," Rose interjected, panic glazing her words. She reached down behind her and picked up a large, crumpled, severely beaten piece of luggage. It actually looked like parts of it had been melted, and there were obvious tire marks running directly down the center of it.

"Holy shit!" I screamed, bolting for my bag, and regretted it immediately.

Alice went running from the room and Rose got teary-eyed as I knelt down next to my suitcase on the floor. Apparently, it had been to hell and back with all the scars to prove it. Dumbfounded, I stared at my bag hoping the contents came out relatively unscathed.

Pulling open the zipper, catching it on the fabric several times in the process, I slowly opened my bag while holding my breath. Peering inside, I felt the air leave my lungs in a whoosh. I guess I should've double wrapped my toiletries in Ziploc bags because they exploded over my entire suitcase.

I felt a tear creeping down my face, and I angrily wiped it away. All of my clothes, my shoes, my hairdryer and comb… everything ruined by Herbal Essences Totally Twisted shampoo and conditioner. Oh, the irony.

"I… my… fuck!" I shouted, unable to form a coherent thought, then face-palmed due to my lack of verbal filter. Hearing Alice going into convulsions from down the hall, I sat back and brought my knees to my chest, yelling toward her room, "Ali, I'm so sorry, babe. I'll try to control myself."

Rose knelt down next to me, both of us wiping tears from our faces. She placed a hand on my shoulder then casually rubbed my back. "I'm _th_orry, Bella. I can't believe them! Thi_th_ blow_th_!"

"You're telling me," I sobbed, dropping my head to my knees. "I have absolutely nothing to wear, except what I have on, and I doubt I have time to get everything dry-cleaned. Most of this stuff is beyond repair, anyway."

"You can wear my clothe_th_."

"That's very sweet of you, Rose, but you know I won't fit into anything. Your legs are miles longer than mine, and your boobs are way more awesome. I'll just have to see if anything in here is manageable."

Rose nodded and sighed, "Well, I know one thing… we're going after the airline for what they did. They won't get away with thi_th_."

Just then, Alice came walking down the hall, glancing at us on the floor. "Bella, I'm so sorry, hun," she whispered and wrapped her arms around me in a comforting hug. Then she took my face in her hands, gave me a half smile and said, "This is terrible… but I have a plan."

The next few hours were spent trying to salvage my shoes and a couple of outfits that were somewhat spared from the gooeyness that was my suitcase. Thankfully, the pair of sweatpants I insisted on bringing for pajamas saved two main outfits and most of a third from complete soap annihilation. Alice cleaned what she could, but the third outfit and one pair of shoes ended up with gnarly stains.

"I think you should still be okay, Bella," Alice assessed, holding up the dress with stains. "It'll be completely dark when we're on the date, so the guys won't notice, and the shampoo left a pleasant scent behind."

"Great, now I'll smell fruity," I joked, unexcitedly. "Not exactly the best first impression."

"I think it _th_mell_th_ good," Rose added, taking the dress from Alice and spinning it around to look at the damage. "It'_th_ very… _th_trawberrie_th_ and cream."

"I actually think it's supposed to be cherries and orchids," I dead-panned.

"Whatever," Alice huffed, rolling her eyes. "I think the guys will love it."

I hoped she was right, because our group date was in less than two hours, and I had absolutely no other options. To make matters slightly worse, the film crew was coming to take us and film our introductions in the next fifteen minutes, and I had yet to get changed and do my hair.

"Don't make that face, Bella," chastised Alice, grabbing me by the wrist and pulling me forcefully to the bathroom. She threw the dress and a pair of shoes at me while getting her make-up bag and said, "Hurry up and put those on. I'll work at warp speed on your hair. Rose, can you help me, sweets?"

In no time at all, I was primped and proper with hair that would've made Kim Kardashian jealous. The dress really wasn't stained too badly, and the hem bore the brunt of the discoloration. It actually blended in pretty well, and like Alice said before… the guys wouldn't be able to see me, so what difference did it make?

Now, all I had to do was fake some smiles for the camera, and hope no one noticed I smelled like a Beauty Brands store.

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><p><strong>AN: Okay, so I told a little, white lie last chapter and said we'd have the group date this chapter. RL got in the way (the bane of my existence known as PhD coursework), hence the shorter chapter. Good news is chapter 5 is started and EPOV is up next… and I PROMISE the group date will be in there.**

**A big woohoo to DitD being featured in Fic Rec Friday over on The Giggle Snort Files! Go check me out over there (link on my profile).**

**Giggle Snort Files also set up a forum for DitD! They rock me hard on that site. Smooches and boobie grabs to all you lovely ladies at GSF! I'll post teasers and answer questions and even take plot ideas! Here is the forum: http:/(/)www(dot)gigglesnort(dot)net/forum/viewthread(dot)php?thread_id=70**

**DitD is also up on MyVampFiction if you're so inclined.**

**Oh, what the hell… boobie grabs for all! ;) M**


	5. Fffor the Love of All That's Holy!

**A/N: Welcome back for another exciting round of my crazy plot. This chapter's entirely in EPOV, so hope you enjoy!**

**Thanks soooo much for all the positive feedback! I love reading your hilarious reviews, and have gotten some awesome ideas for future chapters. Thanks lovelies for letting me pick your brains! Also, thanks for the continued reviews, alerts, and favorites! They make me squee like a tweeny-bopper.**

**More super-awesome-cool news down below!**

**Thanks to my beta and prereader: Sovereignvision and Twifan82**

**Thanks to my VBs: Jenny Cullen, Angel_eyes1_uk, and TwifanUK**

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. I need a vacation. © 2011 twicrack83**

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><p>*~*EPOV*~*<p>

"Dude, are you ready?" Emmett asked and peeked into my room when he returned from his introduction taping. "You're next, bro. They want you down there like yesterday."

"I know," I sighed, stepping away from the window and running my fingers through my hair for what was probably the thirtieth time that day… and it wasn't even noon yet. "I can't figure out what to wear. Everything just seems wrong."

"Well, if you'd put the clothes on instead of staring at it lying on the bed, I bet you'd make some progress."

"Smartass."

"Yes, but I only speak the truth."

"Hurry up, man," Jasper interrupted as he poked his head around the door frame. "The producer's having a shit-fit because you're ruining his schedule. You're the last one to tape before the girls, so get a move on."

I hurriedly threw on my shirt and pants then chased after the poor crew member who was sent to fetch me. In my haste, I left my shirt untucked and failed to button it correctly, leaving the bottom askew. Haphazardly running my fingers through my hair in an attempt to tame the wild, I went up to the producer and offered my apologies.

"I don't give a flying fuck why you're late," he grumbled and slouched in his chair, his greasy hair plastered to his balding head. He took a drag from his smoke and coughed, causing his pot-belly to come dangerously close to falling off his lap. "You needed to be here ten minutes ago, so now we only have time for one take." He paused, looking me up and down with a disgusted look on his face. "Kids these days," he mumbled before giving me further directions.

Really? This middle-aged, nose-picking, comb-over wearing, knuckle fucker had the audacity to give me a disgruntled look and proceed to march me around the premises like I was a piece of shit for ruining his schedule. Well, I was the best thing to happen to this show since it started, and I was going to have him groveling in the shadow of my awesomeness before the take was over.

"Aro, sir," interrupted the Buddy Holly crew member from yesterday, tiptoeing to the producer and tapping him on the shoulder. He cowered away quickly when Aro turned to him, but continued squeakily, "Umm, sir… the girls have informed me that, uh…"

"Get on with it, you waste of space!" Aro yelled, not two inches from the poor guys face.

"Yes, sir. Umm, well, they're running a little behind schedule themselves. Something about a suitcase and shampoo."

"Fuck me!" huffed Aro, shaking his head. "We'll just have to deal with it. I hate tardiness."

Well, it seemed like someone had unresolved issues with being late. I'm thinking too many ruler smacks to the back of his hands in grade school. He probably had an S&M fetish, too, with whips, chains, and those leather outfits with metal studs protruding from everywhere and holes in just the right places.

Eww, I think I just threw up in my mouth from that mental picture.

When Aro was finished reaming the crew member for being the bearer of bad news, he started parading me around the mansion, trying to find the perfect lighting to tape my introduction spiel. Unfortunately, I found out they already knew I was a ballet dancer. So much for keeping my secret from the entire continental US. I did, however, get them to agree to call it "professional dancer" on my title for the actual show. That didn't sound as pansy-ish, right? No, but it did sound a little like I was a Chip 'N Dale performer. Naughty!

Finally finding the optimum lighting, I began my taping with a bang, "Hello. I'm Edward Cullen, and I'm here to fuck you senseless."

Okay, so maybe I didn't really say that, but could you imagine? Girls across the US internally combusting from my swoon-worthy smile and the word "fuck" slipping sensuously from my lips. I can practically hear the panties dropping now.

"Cut the shit, Cullen," glowered Aro from behind the camera. "I don't have all day for your shenanigans."

I had to keep from snickering at that one. I hadn't heard that word since my mother yelled at me for writing my name in piss on the kitchen wall when I was five.

"Hello. I'm Edward Cullen. I'm a twenty-seven year old professional dancer from Denver, Colorado. I guess you could say I'm tired of wading my way through countless dates that end nowhere, and I'm ready to meet the girl of my dreams… And she better be smokin' hot!" I ended with my best crooked smile and ran my fingers through my hair for good measure.

Aro actually liked that take, and practically shoved me out the front door with my suitcase. Apparently, parts of my speech would run as the TV audience watched me walking up the driveway to the mansion, luggage in tow. Classy.

"Cut!" Aro screamed, rolling his eyes and waving me away. "Get your ass back to your room before the girls get here, Cullen. I can't have you fucking up their takes, too."

"Sure. Whatever, dickwad," I replied, flipping him the finger and turning for the stairs.

When I reached the top, I looked over my shoulder and noticed Aro was fuming from my "shenanigans." I started laughing, and before I knew it, I had a rabid, balding, obese man hurtling towards me at lightning speed.

Oh, it's on, fat man!

Taking the stairs two at a time, Aro, and all his glorious blubber, bounded closer and closer to me. I crouched down slightly, waiting just long enough for him to get within arm's reach. The staircase shook with every one of Aro's footfalls, and fury was spewing from his eyes. The second he made contact with my outstretched hands, I jumped from the floor simultaneously pushing off his shoulders. Flipping over his head in a graceful twist, I bent my frame so my feet connected with his back. Aro lost his already unsteady balance and went crashing to the floor with my feet planted firmly in his fat rolls. It was all very "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon," if you ask me.

Easily steadying myself on Aro's back, I lifted one foot and used it to smash his face into the marble. "You'll learn very quickly not to mess with me, donkey-fucker. I don't think you really understand the repercussions of your actions, but you've started a life of misery for yourself. This was just a taste of the pain you could be in. Are we clear?"

"Yes! We're clear!" Aro groaned under my continued pressure.

"Good, because I wouldn't want to ruin this craptastic, little show you have here."

Jumping off Aro's back, I made my way to our side of the mansion. I didn't even look behind me as I sauntered away, knowing full well I'd scared the living daylights out of him. I think I scared the piss out of him, too, from the puddle that formed as I threatened him.

When I returned to the suite, Emmett and Jasper were lounging on the couch flipping through the channels on the TV. They each had a beer in hand and looked thoroughly bored.

"Wait, go back," Emmett suggested, sitting straighter in his seat. "I think I saw cleavage."

"You've said that eight times in the last five minutes," Jasper countered. "And two times it was wrinkly, old woman boobs, so I'm not taking any more chances. I'm gonna have to bleach my eyeballs."

"Hey, guys," I announced, walking through the door. "No luck finding porn, Em?"

"Not even close. How difficult can it be to fork over the cash for a little skin-e-max once in awhile? We're guests here. They should do everything they can to make us comfortable."

"So, you want them to actually give you a wanking then," I presumed, punching him in the shoulder before sitting in the armchair next to the couch.

"Well, if they're offering…"

"Come on, Em. Try to calm yourself, will you?" Jasper interrupted, turning to face me. "Ever since you left for your taping, Edward, I've had to suffer through him whining about not having anyone to bang."

"Whatever, pencil-dick," Emmett scoffed, yanking the remote from Jasper's hand. "I didn't complain that much and you're both feeling it, too. You just won't admit it…"

"We're not afraid to admit it," Jasper continued. "We just don't need to announce it every time our dick tickles."

"And on that note, I'm leaving," I said, shaking my head at them and heading toward my bedroom.

I could hear them bickering back and forth from down the hall, but didn't care enough to step in. I just hoped they would keep it together for tonight when the girls were present. Nothing like two grumpy asswipes to kill the mood.

Meandering around my room, killing time until the group date, I kept thinking back to Emmett's advice to jerk one off. The anxiousness was really getting to me, and it had been quite awhile since I partook in… relaxation activities. I really didn't want to do that here, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Just rub one out and the nervousness will disappear.

I should do PSAs for whacking off.

Giving into my basic instincts, I made my way to the bathroom. Jasper and Emmett were nowhere to be found, so I figured I was home-free. Not having any magazines or movies to help me out, I resorted to my favorite fantasy… Natalie Portman as the lonely widow in "Cold Mountain," but I take it from her like a man, unlike Jude Law. Pussy.

What? I didn't say it was fancy.

Closing the bathroom door and making sure it was locked, I unbuttoned my pants and let them and my boxers fall to the ground. I shut my eyes and allowed my mind to drift away to North Carolina in the 1860s.

_I'm battered and beaten from deserting the war, withering away to nothingness after weeks without ample nutrition. My limbs are weak and barely carry me to through the thick brush I use as my cover. I'm freezing and in need of a good meal and a place to sleep for the night. I don't think I'll survive another cold night outdoors._

_Cautiously peeking through the trees, I spy a solitary cabin with smoke billowing from the chimney. I decide to take my chances and approach, risking my safety, but knowing it's my only chance at survival. Stepping out from the trees and into the open expanse in front of the house, I walk quickly to the porch. As if she senses my approach, Natalie throws open the front door, rushing me inside to warmth and protection from the elements and cavalry._

_She's wearing a long, corset-topped dress, and her breasts threaten to spill over the top. The sleeves of her clothing are loose and hang down so her shoulders are exposed, and a slight blush erupts on her chest from the blatant staring I'm doing. She offers me a bowl of stew that's brewing over a fire, but as hungry as my mind tells me I am, my body can't ignore the call of her flesh._

"_I'm sorry to decline, ma'am, but I'm not hungry for stew."_

_Her blush deepens and she lowers her gaze to my trousers, where an evident bulge is present. I stalk towards her, licking my lips and reveling in the way her eyes widen at the size of my desire. When I finally reach her side of the room, I grab her around the waist and pull her tiny frame to me. My lips crash down on hers, and she sighs into my mouth._

_Opting for a quick release, I tear away our clothing, leaving them in an untidy pile at our feet. I grip her under her plump behind and pick her up off the floor. She automatically wraps her thighs tightly around my hips for leverage, and I feel her heat burning into my abdomen. My length throbs as I race for the bed in the next room, and I capture her lips once again._

_We fall on the bed with her underneath me, and I trail soft, needy kisses from her neck, across her collar bones, and down her breasts. I suck her nipples into my mouth, paying equal attention to both, and she arches from my touch. Skimming my hand down her stomach, I slide my fingers through her soft curls. Finding warmth and wetness signaling her readiness, I plunge two fingers inside her, gaining moans of approval. Not willing to waste another second, I remove my fingers and bury myself deep in her. We groan at the sensation, and I happily pound my way to ecstasy._

Stroking my dick as fast as I could manage without actually ripping it off, I worked feverishly towards release. Base to tip, base to tip. I squeezed my hand tighter as I felt myself getting close. Gathering some pre-cum on my palm for lube, I focused my efforts on the head, gaining optimal sensation for a speedy orgasm.

Hey, I'm nothing if not efficient.

Starting to tremble, I gripped onto the sink counter for support. My balls tingled and tightened, and just as I was about to send my little swimmers down the porcelain pony, I heard knocks on the bathroom door.

"Hurry up and pinch off the loaf, man. We have to get to the black room."

My balls continued to tighten, but now they were burning for relief, and nausea spiked in my stomach. I'd lost all train of thought in my fantasy, and I couldn't bring myself to finish the deed.

"Bloody-fucking-shit, Emmett!" I screamed toward the door, pulling up my boxers and pants. Tenderly tucking my abused package away, I swung open the door. "God dammit, you cock weasel! I'm gonna rip off your nut-sack! You just gave me blue balls."

"Whoa! Sorry, bro," he replied, putting his hands up in mock surrender. "If I would've known you were petting one-eyed-willy in there, I never would've interrupted. You need that shit worse than I need air right now. Do you want me to let you be for a minute? I can create a diversion for the film crew so you can finish?"

"No, thanks. The moment's gone anyway," I huffed and stomped toward the living room. "Just don't fuck with me tonight, or I'll make good on my threat."

"Understood," Emmett confirmed, walking up beside me. "I have a liking for my nut-sack, and don't need it removed unnecessarily."

Jasper looked at us wearily and opened his mouth to question, but quickly shut it when he noticed my evil glare. "Okay. Not fucking with Edward tonight."

"Good plan, Jazz," whispered Emmett as we followed the film crew to the black room, "especially if you're fond of the family jewels remaining intact."

+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+

"So, we just sit in there and wait for the girls?" I asked, already perplexed as to how this situation would play out.

"Yes, sir," responded the crew member, as we all stood outside of the black room door, waiting to go in. "When I let you through this door, you'll all need to make sure it closes behind you before proceeding through the next door and into the actual black room. Once inside the room, you will not be able to see anything at all. Use your other senses to make your way through the room to a table that is set up containing six chairs, three on each side. You will all need to sit on one side or the other, so when the girls come in, they can sit opposite of you. Cameras are rolling at all times when you're in the black room, so anything you say or do will be monitored. When we see you've all taken your seats, we'll go retrieve the girls to meet up with you."

We all nodded in unison, eager to get into the room. I was still sensitive from my earlier failed attempt at masturbation, but was thankful the girls wouldn't be able to notice my discomfort. As for the studio audience, they were gonna get an eyeful of me gingerly rearranging my junk every few minutes. Consider yourselves privileged, ladies. I don't let just anyone watch me fondle the goods.

After fumbling our way through the darkness to our seats, we waited for several minutes for the girls to arrive. I took the middle seat, hoping to head off any adverse interactions between Emmett and Jasper that would lead to a meltdown. For the most part, we stayed quiet, too anxious to really say anything. Every once in awhile, I'd sigh and run my fingers through my hair. Jasper sensed my nervousness and externalized it by bouncing his leg. Emmett, on the other hand, thought humming early '90s rap songs was an appropriate way to kill time. He was in the middle of "Baby Got Back" when we heard the doorknob click.

"Oh my god… I can't make out anything."

"Bella? Are you still here?"

"Yes, and stop pushing. I'm trying to find the table."

Sitting in complete silence now, Jasper, Emmett, and I simply listened to them shuffle to their seats across from us. You'd think we'd have announced our presence by now, but we were all struck dumb at their abrupt intrusion.

"Do you think they're in here?"

"I don't know. I can't remember if that guy said they would be or not."

"I wasn't paying attention either."

Silence again. It seemed that no one wanted to make the first move, so I drew in a deep breath and went for it.

"Good evening, ladies."

"Eeeek!"

"Oh, crap!"

"Don't do that!"

"Sorry," I apologized, holding back a chuckle. "My name's Edward. I'm sitting in the middle. Emmett is to my right."

"Hello, sexy ladies," Emmett said.

"And Jasper is to my left."

"Hi," Jasper mumbled, and I could tell he was staring at his hands on his lap. I hoped he wasn't so nervous he'd go into an attack.

"To whom do we owe this lovely evening?" I asked.

Before the first girl answered, I distinctly heard her murmur, "cheese-ball."

"Hello, Edward. I'm Bella… also sitting in the middle. Rosalie is to my left."

"Hi," said Rosalie.

"And Alice is to my right."

"Hello, guys," Alice squeaked. I could practically hear her bouncing in her seat.

"Why didn't you guys say you were in here when we opened the door?" Bella questioned. "I think we all just had heart attacks"

"Again, sorry about that," I responded. "I'm not sure what came over us. We all froze the second we heard the doorknob turning."

"Yeah, sorry ladies," joined Emmett. "We didn't mean to scare you."

"Don't worry about it," accepted Rosalie, sounding genuine. "We're all fine."

"So, where is everybody from?" asked Alice.

"We all share a house just outside of Denver, Colorado," answered Jasper. I could sense his knee bouncing again, and elbowed him in the arm to make him calm down. "Umm, what about you ladies?"

"We were born and rai_th_ed in Wi_th_con_th_in," replied Rose with a very impressive lisp. "After college, we thought it would be be_th_t to _th_tay next to family, and we live near Madi_th_on now."

I noticed Emmett stiffen beside me, but couldn't tell if that was good or bad. "Well, what do you for a living?" I questioned. "You said you all went to college together, so do you all have the same degrees?"

"Yeah, we went to the University of Wisconsin," said Alice. "But we all studied different things. I'm in clothing retail, right now, but would eventually like to get into teaching."

"I teach in _th_econdary education," added Rose, but didn't expand.

"Really?" Emmett perked up, scooting around in his chair. "I work in primary education. What do you teach?"

"I'm the PE teacher, and I coach the girl_th_ _th_occer team_th_. What about you, Emmett?"

"Uh… I… well," he stuttered, and I knew he was trying to avoid mentioning lisps. "I work mainly with children that… um… need assistance with language advancement. But I also work part-time for the Colorado Rockies as their mascot, Dinger."

"Hold on," snickered Bella. "You get to hang out with professional baseball players, but you have to dress up like one of Barney's play-friends in order to do so?"

I had to laugh at that one. Emmett did kind of look like Baby Bop when he was in costume. Or was it more like B.J. I always get them confused.

My lips are sealed as to why I know the cast of Barney characters…

"Okay, Edward," interjected Emmett, pissed that I was laughing at him. "Why don't you tell the ladies what _you_ do for a living."

That got my attention, and I stopped laughing immediately, choking on my spit in the process.

_Cough_ "Oh, man." _Sputter_ "Sorry." _Cough_ "I think I swallowed wrong."

"You're not getting off that easy, bro," chuckled Emmett, patting me on the back. "Now, go on and tell them what you do."

I hesitated, but got a quick smack to the back of my head for stalling. "Ouch! Jeez, all right. I, uh, travel around the world for a living."

"Nope, not good enough," interrupted Emmett. "Keep going."

"Yes, do tell," said Alice, seeming entirely too interested.

"I'm intrigued as to why this issue is being pushed," added Bella, sounding intrigued at my denial to speak the truth. "Something tells me there's way more to this _travelling_ profession than you're letting on."

Grrr. "Fine," I growled, covering my face with my hands. "I'm a travelling dkcowheb."

"What? I didn't quite catch that last part," nudged Emmett, a little harder than necessary.

"Why me?" I whispered so no one would hear me. "Okay, fine. Here's the truth. I travel around the world as a professional danseur… a ballet dancer," I paused, turned towards Emmett and let my fist fly, hoping to hell I'd make contact with his doofus head.

_Smack!_

"Son-of-a-bitch!" yelled Emmett.

"Happy now, dickmuncher?" I asked, rubbing my hand. He had a freakishly hard head.

"Would you two f-f-fucktards knock it off!" Jasper intervened, but his stutter was coming out. Oh, no. "S-s-sucknuts! D-d-diddleshits! F-f-fuckmonkey!"

I vaguely remembered someone coming over an intercom and screaming "cut," but by that point, all hell had broken lose. Jasper was gripping my arm, shaking so hard I thought he was having a seizure, and I was attempting to defend myself from a lunatic Emmett. Then, I started hearing whimpers from the girl's side of the table.

"Bella! Oh, my god!"

Was that Alice? I couldn't quite tell from all the commotion, but it almost sounded like one of the girls was having a fit of her own… a very intimate fit.

"Ali, hold on," I heard Bella say, and then the sound of chairs falling to the ground rang in the room.

"Hurry! Mmmm… I can't stop it!"

"Rose, help me! We're gonna have to carry her."

"Oh, fuuuuccckkk!"

"Edward, we need to get out of here," Jasper pleaded, still shaking. "I'm not having the best control at the moment. C-c-cock-hickey! And I think the girls just made a break for it."

Then out of nowhere, we were bombarded by flailing limbs and screams of passion. Apparently, being in complete darkness had its disadvantages, and when the girls were trying to leave they ran directly into all three of us.

"Holy shit!"

"Mother fucker! Was that a knee?"

"Get your hand off my boob!"

"Get your hand off my… on second thought, keep it there."

"Gross! That better not be what I think it is."

"Ungh!"

The sea of limbs continued and I realized someone was rubbing my ass.

"Emmett, what the fuck? Quit touching my ass!"

"Oh, dude! Not cool!" Jasper yelled, then I heard another moan, and Jasper followed suit. "Shit! Don't stop!"

"I'm sorry!" Alice screamed. "This feels incredible!"

"Alice!" Bella and Rose yelled.

Almost as fast as the incident began, we were free of our entanglements when the girls jumped up and went toward the sounds of Alice and Jasper. I heard Jasper groan one more time, then huff in disappointment.

"No! I need to finish!"

"Not now, you don't!"

"We're getting out of here."

Then the door slammed, and I felt Emmett scrambling to get up.

"Edward, why the fuck did you clock me in the face?" Emmett roared. "I'm gonna beat your ass!"

"Calm the fuck down, Em!" Jasper and I both hollered at the same time. Then I stood up and continued, "I'm not exactly feeling lovey-dovey with you for making me reveal my career choice."

"Well, you shoulda thought of that before you laughed at me."

I was now holding both of Emmett's arms behind his back as he calmed down, and Jasper was taking slow, cleansing breaths behind us. "Are you gonna fight me if I let you go?"

"No," Emmett answered. "Just let me go. I'm sorry for making you squeal."

"Well, it's too late now. They all heard it." I stopped and let him go with a small push. "Let's get out of here. The girls are long gone, and they stopped taping awhile ago."

We fumbled our way to the door, and once we got out into the light again, we had the producer jumping down our throats.

"What the fuck went on in there?" Aro shouted, hobbling toward us. He honed in on me, and pointed his sausage finger in my face while shrieking, "You! It's all your fault! If you wouldn't have started throwing punches, none of that would have happened."

"Hey, don't point that thing at me," I said, craning my neck away from him. "I don't know where it's been, and it's just as much my fault as Emmett's. He really started it."

"I don't give a shit who started it. It never should have gotten that far," Aro paused, assessing each of our faces. "And didn't we tell you all to keep the cursing to a minimum. I'm gonna have to figure out how to salvage the clip we were able to record."

Jasper swallowed thickly and ducked behind me. I gave him a look that reassured him it wasn't his fault, and he nodded that he understood. We apologized half-heartedly and made our way back to our side of the mansion. None of us knew what to make of the evening. Quietly putzing around the suite for the rest of the night, we analyzed the events internally, not sharing our thoughts with each other. At one point, a crew member came in and gave us the itinerary for tomorrow. I had to admit, I was surprised they weren't ready to kick us out for the stunt we pulled on the group date, but I guessed they were so desperate to keep their show afloat that a little drama made for interesting TV.

The more I thought about the group date, the more confused I was. I really didn't have any idea of who I wanted to take on the individual dates, and I was still trying to figure out what was happening to Alice… and why. Rose seemed nice enough, and Bella was the most talkative one, for sure. At one point, I'm pretty sure I had some very nice boobs smashed into my face. I'd have to do some major thinking about that one.

Before heading to bed, I made sure Jasper calmed down from his earlier fit and wasn't feeling responsible for anything. After all, it was my dumbass move that started it all. I knew better than to piss Emmett off, but I was still feeling the aftermath of my bathroom fiasco. Blaming it on pent up aggression, I apologized to Emmett and made-up bromance style… I let him win on _Call of Duty_, but we won't tell him that.

Saying my final goodnight, I crashed onto my bed and took a deep breath. Today was an adventure in and of itself, and I still had no clue what to expect for the rest of the week. But I knew one thing for sure. I was not, under any circumstances, going to be jacking the beanstalk in this house. It was bad for my penile health.

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><p><strong>AN: Whatcha think? Go on… let me have it. I can take it. Any thoughts are appreciated. And sorry for the cock-block. It had to be done folks. But I hope it was good while it lasted. (Psst… don't tell the hubs that was also for him… he's got a thing for NatPort and also got mad at Jude Law for not taking advantage of her.)**

**On another front, who do you think the boys will pick for their individual dates, and what do you think the girls thought of the boys? BPOV up next with their take on the evening.**

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**Till next time, my beautiful audience!**


	6. First dates rock!

**A/N: Hey! Hey! Hey! Did you miss me? I missed you all terribly, and can't thank you enough for all the kind reviews I've received for this fic. I've gotten more alerts and favorites, too, which tickle me pink ::snicker:: Thanks again for all of your support!**

**I also want to announce I received Author of the Moment on the GiggleSnortFiles! Thank you to the staff over there for thinking I'm worthy ::bows in gratitude:: I was also rec'd out on ADifferentForest by angel_eyes1_uk! Love you, sweets! Check out her stories, too. Go! Run! Thank you Fluent in Sarcasm for the tip!**

**Thanks to my beta and prereader: Sovereignvision and Twifan82**

**Thanks to my VBs: Jenny Cullen, Angel_eyes1_uk, and TwifanUK**

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. I see a trip to Disney World in my near future. I've got girl crush on Cinderella. Why can't I wear dresses like that all the time? © 2011 twicrack83**

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><p>*~*BPOV*~*<p>

"You want me to what?" I asked, feeling squeamish as the color drained from my face and my mouth suddenly got very dry.

"Just walk up the driveway with your suitcase," reaffirmed Aro, placing his grubby hands on my lower back.

I suppressed my gag reflex, and politely stepped away, but if he touched me again, I'd go Kung Fu Panda on his ass.

"We need the extra footage for your entrance, sweet cheeks, and that's how we get it." He smiled and stared at my ass longer than I appreciated. Escaping to gather my suitcase, I made a break for the stairs with him calling after me, "Don't leave me waiting long, darling!"

An unpleasant shiver ran up my spine. Aro really creeped me out, but he was the least of my worries right now. I had to return with my defunked luggage, and it didn't even zip closed anymore. How was I going to make it up the driveway without the handle falling off, let alone getting it to roll on its wonky wheels?

"Just take mine," suggested Alice when I came back to the room. "They'll never know it's not yours, and you'll be able to save yourself the embarrassment of carting around that bag of death."

"Awesome!" I exclaimed, grabbing her bag and going towards the door. "Thanks, babe. I owe you one."

Crisis number one of the day averted, I smiled my way through the rest of the filming. Alice and Rose finished their tapings shortly after, and within two hours, we were on our way to the group date. Rose was excited to finally meet the boys, I was bored but interested to find out whose torso I spied through the window, and Alice, well, she barely made it through her introduction without having an episode. She was currently in her room with her iPod blaring, trying to… suppress her nervousness so she wouldn't suffer an attack during the date.

Unfortunately, we had no idea what a clusterfuck that would become. The crew members finally summoned us to the group date, and we followed them around the mansion to the scene of the crime. I should've run when I had the chance.

"Oh my god… I can't make out anything," whispered Rose as we made our way into the dark room

"Bella? Are you still here?" Alice asked, and shoved my back.

"Yes," I replied, arms outstretched in front of me, feeling for the chairs. "And stop pushing. I'm trying to find the table."

Bumping into one of the chairs with my knee, I held back the curse that threatened to slip past my lips, and guided Alice and Rose to their seats. We got ourselves situated and didn't hear anyone, so we assumed we were still waiting for the guys to arrive.

"Do you think they're in here?" questioned Rose.

"I don't know," I returned. "I can't remember if that guy said they would be or not."

"I wasn't paying attention either," Alice admitted.

Then one of the guys spoke up and scared us all. He was lucky I had control of myself at that point because I was about three seconds away from throwing blind punches in the direction of his voice. After that, we calmed down quickly and fell into a nice conversation. Chit-chatting back and forth, we made our way through some general information, then found out Emmett worked as a speech therapist. Rose sighed quietly, and I could tell she was conflicted. Luckily, none of the guys sounded like they cared about her lisp, and when Edward finally told his profession, we all shifted gears to poke fun at him.

When he eventually got around to announcing he was a ballet dancer, the mood in the room became charged with tension… then the shit hit the fan. Since I couldn't see anything, I'm not sure what exactly happened, but it sounded like two of the guys, I'm thinking Edward and Emmett, were going at it. And then the curse words started flying.

I immediately went into protector mode when Alice grabbed my shoulder as she started a fit. I gripped her hand and tried to pull her from her seat, when I called for Rose's help. We were on our way to the door, or so we thought, but we slammed right into the guys on the other side of the table.

Hands grasping, legs flailing, bodies intertwining. In an attempt to escape the current catastrophe, I lost my hold on Alice and was pretty sure I smashed my tits into one of the guys' faces. At least he had the decency not to motorboat me.

Yelling and screaming continued until I heard Alice putting herself in a compromising position. Rose and I bolted towards the sound of her voice, and tore her away from the boy she was molesting. Poor thing didn't even see it coming... or her cumming, for that matter.

Racing out of the room, Rose and I carried a limp Alice back to our side of the mansion. Thankfully, the producer was nowhere to be found, and we let Alice recuperate by laying her down on the couch. I had no words and neither did Rose, so we quietly waited by Alice's side for her episode to subside.

"Hey, you two," Alice whispered, turning to face us.

"Hey, sweets," I returned, pulling stray hairs behind her ear. "Are you okay? Do you even know what happened back there?"

"Not exactly. I remember the swearing, then feeling myself tense up. I think you grabbed me and tried to go for the door, but then the details get sorta fuzzy. The last thing I remember was grinding on the one who was cursing the most."

She buried her face in the couch cushions, and Rose patted her back.

"Don't worry about it, Ali," Rose commented with a soft smile. "I think he enjoyed him_th_elf, too."

"Yeah," I added, "I'm pretty sure that one was Jasper. He sounded disappointed when we took you off of him."

Her ears turned pink, and she slowly moved her head so we could make out the blush on her cheeks. "You think so?"

"Definitely," said Rose, nodding and winking. "I think you need to pick him for the individual date."

"Well, that'd be all fine and dandy until he starts cursing and I start humping his leg."

"Something tells me he wouldn't mind that very much," I chimed in, smiling and sitting with her on the couch, resting her legs on my lap. "And I think whatever happened in there was a fluke. He was probably just nervous and couldn't help himself."

"Great," Alice huffed, rolling onto her back. "Just what I need; another human being who can't control their urges. We'd make a great pair… if our ultimate goal was humiliation."

"Oh, come on," I sighed. "It wouldn't be that bad. And besides, who cares what everybody else thinks. If you two hit it off, then nothing else should matter."

"I guess so," she agreed. "But I don't want to embarrass him. He seemed shy at the beginning of the date."

"He did, yes. But he also seemed very into you at the end."

"Of course he was. I was rubbing myself all over him. Way to leave something to the imagination." Alice rolled her eyes and threw her arm across her face. She grumbled a few words about being a slut and how much she hated having her condition.

"Oh, Ali," Rose and I interrupted, pulling her to us for a hug.

We both knew how much she despised her disorder, and we tried our best to help her through the rough patches. Tonight was particularly difficult because not only did she have to suffer, but Jasper bore the brunt of her attack. Fortunately for them, they both enjoyed the event. I had a feeling a repeat performance was on both of their agendas.

"Babe," Rose spoke, staring Alice in the eyes, "I know you think the PGAD is awful, but Ja_th_per didn't _th_eem to mind at all. In fact, I bet you he'll pick you for the individual date, too."

"You guys really think so?" Alice asked, looking unsure of herself.

"Definitely," I replied emphatically. "You totally need to choose him."

As sure as Rose and I were about Alice pairing off with Jasper, we still didn't have a strong sense of which other guy we should choose for ourselves. Edward seemed like the spokesman for the group, but was obviously apprehensive about his career choice. He had a silky, smooth voice I instantly noticed, and it was accompanied by a hint of cheese-ball that I found endearing.

Emmett, on the other hand, seemed like he had an exuberant personality. He had to, since he was a MLB mascot and jumped around like a crazy person for a living. But he also had a sweet side and worked with children on a daily basis.

Honestly, they both seemed like guys I would get along with. Even if I didn't make a romantic connection on this vacation, I'd at least go home with new friends. And one of them knew professional baseball players, so they could hook me up, right?

The next morning, in the midst of discussing our single date choices, a crew member popped into our suite to tell us how the next round would work. After we'd made our final date decisions, we would send an email to the person of interest, inviting them on a date. The guys would do the same, and we'd each spend time with whoever we invited and whoever invited us. This would happen a total of two times, so no matter what, we'd each get at least two single dates.

"Sounds great," I said, and waved the crew member out of our suite. "We have some choosing to do, Rose."

"Yuck," Rose replied, "I have no clue who I want to go with. We need to talk more about them."

"Okay," I returned, sitting on the couch next to her. "Well, I think I have a plan."

/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/

*~*EPOV*~*

"Gooooood Moooorning, Vietnam!" _bang, bang, bang, bang_!

"Holy fuck!" I screamed, bolting upright and scrambling toward what I thought was the headboard. Missing my target completely, I careened off the side of the bed and crashed to the floor, banging my head on the side table in the process. "Seriously, Em?" I glared up at him, rubbing my head as he wielded around a pot and spoon. "It's seven thirty… and we're on vacation."

"I can't have my best buds getting flabby on me," he chuckled. "Come on. We have some decisions to make and some muscles to build. I even brought a special piece of equipment just for you."

Oh, joy.

When I finished pulling on my workout clothes, I met Jasper in the living room of the suite. He sighed and shook his head, looking to Emmett for further instructions. Apparently, we were fortunate enough to have access to a fully stocked mini-gym on our wing of the mansion. I guess Emmett figured it out and couldn't wait to torture us by using it with him. Luckily for Emmett, Jasper and I were in pretty good moods from the night before, so we went along with it and didn't cause too much of a fuss. Having boobs shoved in my face really deflated my crankiness, and Jasper got a very nice grinding, which suited him just fine.

"All right, you pansies," Emmett started, bending over to get our equipment out of his bag. "Here are your weapons for today's session."

As he turned around, I saw an evil twinkle in his eye, but didn't know why he was so happy with himself. He appeared to be carrying a ten pound weight in each hand. Nothing special about that. But then he started pumping his hands like he was jerking two dicks at once and I knew exactly what he was getting at.

"Shake Weights for both of you!" Emmett boomed, throwing the weights straight at us. "I thought these would be helpful, since you both seem to be pulling the pickle more often nowadays."

Jasper and I caught them easily, but I retaliated by throwing my water bottle at Emmett's face. It threw him off guard and he batted it away, but by then, Jasper was taking him down by buckling Emmett's knees. I jumped into the scuffle just as they fell to the floor, and between the two of us, Emmett was effectively pinned to the floor, unable to move. Soon, Emmett was overtaken by fits of laughter, and we were all holding our stomachs at the hilariousness of it all.

"Thanks for not getting mad at me, guys," Emmett mentioned while we cleaned up after our workout. "I just wanted to lighten the mood around here. You two were starting to worry me with all of your moping."

"That's cool, Em," smiled Jasper. "We appreciate you trying to help us out."

"Yeah," I joined, "even though your tactics are unorthodox, we know you mean well."

The rest of the morning was spent mulling over what we thought of the girls. Jasper vehemently claimed Alice, and we were happy he'd already felt drawn to her. Emmett and I kept going back and forth between who we'd rather meet up with more. Rose seemed incredibly genuine, and her lisp was actually kind of cute. Bella came across as more of a "don't mess with me" sort of girl, but she also had a snarky wit, which I found intriguing. In the end, I was looking forward to finding out more about both of them.

Emmett and I bounced ideas around for another hour when Aro came by, announcing we had to make our final decisions and send out our emails. We finalized our plan of attack and quickly shot our requests to the girls. Within ten minutes, we all had responses in our own emails, and we were officially paired for our dates.

"I think it'll be fun," I commented, grabbing a soda out of the fridge. "We finally get one-on-one time with the girls, and we'll get to find out more about them."

"It will definitely be interesting," added Jasper, rolling his neck around to release some tension. "I just don't want to scare her away."

"Bro, that will never happen," interjected Emmett, patting Jasper on the back as he made his way to the kitchen. "Alice seems perfect for you. There's just something about her that screams Jazz."

"I'm glad you think so, Em," Jasper sighed, "because I'm having trouble deciding whether or not to break out the Tourette syndrome info tonight. I'm vacillating between getting it all out in the open and keeping it under wraps as long as my control holds out during the date."

"She seems like the understanding type," I stated, leaning against the counter. "I bet she already knows something's up from the other night. But that's good because she picked you even with the inclination that you're unique."

"Way to put a good spin on that, man," Emmett said, wolfing down half his sandwich in one bite, as Japser and I gave him dirty looks. "Truthfully, though… You both picked each other, so it can't be that bad."

"I hope you're right," huffed Jasper, pouring two glasses of wine to take on his date. "Well, wish me luck. Here I go." And with that, Jasper was out the door and on his way to his date with Alice.

/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/

"Jazz has been gone for a long time, don't you think?" I asked, sitting on the couch, popping open my third soda of the afternoon.

"I guess so," replied Emmett, lazily flipping through the channels on the TV. "But it's not like he got lost. He's probably thoroughly enjoying himself, if you know what I mean."

"As much as I know Jazz needs that, I doubt the producer would allow them that much privacy."

Just then, the door to our suite opened and in stepped Jasper… hair in disarray, cheeks flushed, and shirt buttons askew. He definitely had the "just fucked" look going on.

"Dude!" Emmett yelled as he observed Jasper sauntering toward the armchair.

"Way to go!" I encouraged when Jasper sat down, looking extremely pleased with himself.

"I know, right?" responded Jasper, smiling like a loon, attempting to fix the buttons on his shirt.

Strange thing is Jasper's sentence told us more than a long story. Verbose, I know. But details were mandatory, so a play by play was needed.

"Spill, man," started Emmett, leaning forward and resting his forearms on his knees.

"Okay, so here's the deal," began Jasper, "I can't tell you everything because she swore me to secrecy, and I'm not gonna cross that boundary, but damn! We really hit it off. She was already in the room when I walked in, and she called me to join her on an oversized beanbag chair on the floor. I finally made my way over to her and gave her the wine I'd brought with me. She thought that was really sweet, and I could practically hear her blush. We starting talking about where we worked and lived, you know, date-filler stuff."

He paused to take a deep breath, and leaned back in the chair, contemplating, "The more we talked, the more relaxed I got. It was weird because I've never been that calm on a first date before. Alice seemed to be at ease, too, and she snuck her body up close to mine and snuggled in with her back to me.

"Well, she told me a story about her and the other girls when they were out at a bar one night. I was laughing so hard it started shaking her, since she was resting against me, and she tilted her head up to move, I thought, but kissed my neck instead. I was a little surprised, but it was super hot because she lingered there and darted her tongue out at the end. That was when I couldn't contain myself anymore and mauled the poor girl.

"I seriously had a hard-on ever since I sat down next to her, and all the laughing in close proximity to her body just heightened my emotions. Thankfully, she seemed willing, and reciprocated by pulling me to her, kissing frantically while trying to unbutton my shirt at the same time. Not exactly sure how I got us there, I had her pinned onto the floor underneath me, with her shirt pushed up and my mouth dancing from one boob to the next. She had her hands in my hair, holding me to her chest, and her thighs were rubbing together like she was ready to explode. I vaguely remember someone screaming at us in the distance, but we were too focused to care.

"Thinking we didn't have a lot of time before someone broke up our party, I pushed her thighs apart with my legs and started grinding away, still paying special attention to her boobs. She arched her back and rubbed against me, keeping good time, and we both lost it just as a crew member came into the room and pulled me off of her."

"Nice!" Emmett and I replied at the same time.

"It really was," Jasper noted, staring into space, dreamily. "When I was being escorted out, she called after me saying I'd better pick her again for the next date, because she needed an encore. Best thing was I never had an attack the entire time."

"That's awesome, Jazz!" I commented, walking past him and punching him lightly in the shoulder. "She sounds really good for you. I hope it all works out the way you want it to."

And I did. I wanted him to have someone who could keep him calm and rile him up at the same time. Alice sure seemed perfect for him, but I knew it was on a deeper level than any of us was prepared for. I wonder if the other girls would fit Emmett and me as perfectly, too.

"So, I think you're next, Edward," Jasper announced as I popped a chip in my mouth. "That producer fuck-face told me to make sure you were on time. I guess that means you'll be the first one in the room."

"Great," I rolled my eyes, heading to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Can't have soda and chip breath, now can I.

After getting ready, I made my way to the dark room with a crew member leading the way. He instructed me to wait in the room, but didn't specify anything else. As I fumbled my way through the darkness, I finally found what felt like a small couch set up against the far wall. I didn't find any other furniture in the room, so I got comfortable on the sofa and waited nervously for my date to arrive.

Just as I started kicking myself for not bringing drinks for us, I heard the doorknob turn and in walked my date.

"Uh… Edward? Are you in here?"

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><p><strong>AN: Okay, so a sorta cliffie. Who do you think Edward chose for his date? And Jasper and Alice are having quite a fun time. Alice's side of events is up next chapter, as well as Edward's and Emmett's dates. If you leave a review, I see a teaser in your immediate future! I'd also love to hear how you found this story. I'm all about sending out thank you's for the recs!**

**So, about the delay on this update… RL sucks, we all know this. But I was having to deal with a regressing 4 year old, a crankier than normal 2 year old, and a fussy infant. Thankfully, I figured out the problem was that mommy wasn't home enough and my stress from school was translating to them, so my PhD coursework has been thrown out the window, and a job change is in my future so I can stay home more with my little men. I was also doing some major pimpage for this story, and it was accepted for the Under the Radar section over on The Twilight Awards dot com. I'll let you know when they post it so you can check it out if you'd like.**

**Updates will be every 1 to 2 weeks from now on, so thank you all a million times over for being patient with this update!**

**Loves and snugs,**

**;) M**


	7. It's dark in here!

**A/N: Hello, my lovelies! Thank you all for being wonderfully patient with my slow ass. Updates will pick up when my RL stops being a bitch. I hate her sometimes.**

**Thanks to everyone for the continued support via reading, reviewing, favoriting, and alerting! Love ya!**

**Special thanks to DJzzpurr and her permission to use… and abuse her fantastic bar story. Hope you like my twists, babe!**

**And a super-splendiferous high five to Preety1803 for being reviewer #100! Yippee-skippee! You made the hubs shake his head and roll his eyes with how excited this made me. ;)**

**Thanks to my beta and prereader: Sovereignvision and Twifan82**

**Thanks to my VBs: Jenny Cullen, Angel_eyes1_uk, and TwifanUK**

**Warning: This chapter does a little jumping around. BPOV does some backtracking before moving forward with the story.**

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. I own kids who keep asking where their Halloween candy is going. I plead the Fifth. ©2011 twicrack83**

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><p>*~*EPOV*~*<p>

"Uh… Edward? Are you in here?"

"Yeah, I'm over against the far wall," I replied, sitting up straighter on the couch. "They put a sofa over here for us."

"Okay, great. Keep talking and I'll walk toward you."

"Sure… um… keep walking. I've got my arms out in front of me, so you won't run into the couch. I think you're almost here."

"All right… oh, there you are," she sighed, grabbing my hand and maneuvering to the couch. She took a deep breath, releasing my hand, and sat next to me saying, "Thank you."

"No problem. Are you comfortable, Rosalie?"

"Yeah, I'm great. And you can call me Ro_th_e."

"Oh, okay. Rose. That's a very pretty name," I continued anxiously. "I do have to apologize, though. I failed to bring us anything to drink. Sorry for the date fail."

"No problem," she approved, shifting in her seat. "I'm not entirely _th_ure I'd be able to drink anyway."

"I know what you mean," I agreed, leaning back in my seat, wiping my sweaty palms on my jeans. "I'm pretty nervous, too. Something about being in the dark wigs me out."

Yes, I admit it. I'm a grown-fucking-man afraid of the dark. Shut it!

"Well, I think Ali and Ja_th_per had a great time together, huh?" Rose began.

"I sure think so," I replied. "Jazz really seemed to make an instant connection with her. I'm guessing Alice reacted well to their date, too."

"Definitely," Rose giggled. "Ali looked plea_th_antly flu_th_tered when _th_he got back to our room."

"That's great! I think they've made more of a match than either of them was expecting."

"I'd agree with that. Ali can't wait to meet up with him again."

We sat in silence after that for several minutes. Every once in awhile one of us would shift in our seat, or sigh, or almost start talking, but we sure weren't making a connection like Alice and Jasper. It was awkward at best, and I could tell this was going nowhere fast. So I broke out the crappy date questions that everyone hates, but they at least help you get through the painful silence.

"So, you work at a high school?" I questioned, hoping to get our conversation back on track.

"Yeah," she responded, sounding relieved that we were talking again. "I really enjoy it. The kid_th_ are wonderful, and coaching the _th_occer team_th_ keep_th_ me active." She paused, and I could tell she wanted to bring up my career, but hesitated before saying, "And you? Do you like, uh… travelling?"

"I do, actually. It's nice not having to stay tied down to one area for my career. This way I get to see the world… but it can get lonely. I need someone to share my experiences with, you know?" I commented, raising my arm to rest it on the back of the couch. Unfortunately, it was dark… duh… and I elbowed Rose square in the face.

"Holy crap! My no_th_e!" she screamed and jumped from the couch.

"Oh, shit! I'm so sorry!" I yelled and stood up, too.

I was fumbling around trying to find her with my arms outstretched in front of me, and I slugged her right in the chest.

"Ooof!" she huffed, and then a loud thud rang out in the room.

"Dammit! Are you all right? I didn't mean to hurt you. Did you fall? Tell me what I can do to help you."

I took a step toward where I thought she might be and tripped over her lying on the floor, crashing to the ground next to her.

"Fuck!"

"Umph!"

"Stop moving both of you!" Aro called over the speaker into the room. "Stay where you are and someone will be in to rescue you from this hideousness."

"Rose? Rose… are you okay?" I asked, frantically. I could feel her torso under my legs, so I turned around and knelt next to her, trying desperately not to cause more damage. I slowly reached out and found her arms, which were bent at the elbows, hands covering her face.

"Yeah, I think I'm fine," she mumbled. "I'm pretty _th_ure my no_th_e is bleeding, and my abdomen hurt_th_ from where you kicked me, but otherwi_th_e I'm good."

"That's terrible! Man, I can't believe I screwed this up so badly. Please don't hate me. I'm really not an awful person."

I heard her start laughing as she sat up and said, "I know, and I'm _th_orry I'm giggling at you. It ju_th_t figure_th_ thi_th_ would happen to me. You know, for being a dan_th_er, you definitely aren't light on your feet."

We both laughed at that and then the door opened up to the room. Medics with flashlights walked in, making sure they didn't shine the light on either one of us, and I was escorted quickly out of the room before I could do anything else. I hollered at Rose one more time that I was sorry, and the door clicked closed before I heard a reply.

Walking solemnly back to the suite, I hoped everything would turn out all right for Rose. I couldn't believe how much of a doofus I'd been.

"Whoa," commented Emmett, peeking out from behind the fridge door when I walked in the room. "You look guilty. What the hell did you do to the poor girl?"

"Well, not what your nasty mind is thinking," I returned slouching in the armchair. "I think I may have broken her nose."

"What the fuck, dude?" Emmett half chuckled, half grimaced while he shut the fridge door and came to sit on the couch.

"I know," was all I could think to say at the moment. I brought my hands up to rub my face roughly before cursing loudly and pulling at my hair.

"Looks who's back!" Jasper announced, walking down the hall toward the sitting area. He was mid smile when he noticed the look of disgust on my face. "Wow. Was she really that bad?"

"No, Jazz," I shook my head and sighed. "Rose was great. I was the fuck-nut that screwed it all up."

"Should I even ask?" was Jasper's reply as he sat next to Emmett, concern covering his features.

I proceeded to tell them how the date was going… well at first, but slow. Then I added, "I was trying to be smooth by resting my arm on the back of the couch and didn't realize how close she was sitting to me. When I brought my arm up, I elbowed her in the nose."

"Oooh!" they cringed in unison.

"Yeah, but that's not all," I continued, watching their faces change to shock. "I felt her jump up, so naturally I did the same, and ended up punching her in the chest, which knocked her off balance and sent her slamming to the floor."

"Ouch!" said Emmett, shaking his head in what appeared to be disappointment.

"Of course, I couldn't see anything, and I went to help her but kicked her in the side in the process. I tripped and fell on top of her, thoroughly ruining our date."

Neither of them knew what to say. They simply stared at me in amazement, trying to formulate the insults I knew were coming. Jasper decided to go first.

"Could you _be_ any more of a d-d-dick-pickle?" he stuttered out, feeling my embarrassment and stifling an attack. "I mean, seriously. I don't think you could have done more damage if you tried."

"No kidding, bro," Emmett joined. "You bloodied her face, bruised her side, and titty-punched her all in the span of a minute. I think that deserves a suspension on your man card."

They were right. I was a douche, so I hid my face in my hands, resting my elbows on my knees. They each took turns giving me a pat on the back while saying they were sorry and wished me more luck next time, but I could hear the smiles in their voices, which nulled their entire apologies.

Eventually I got up and meandered into my room to sulk. Pouting was a specialty of mine, so what better way than to spend the evening being a broody dick-pickle. Hearing the crew member come to take Emmett for his date, I wished him better luck than I had, and then shut my door. I buried my head under the pillows and thought back over my date. Rose was very sweet, but in more of a sisterly way than as a girlfriend. We really didn't have a lot in common, as evidenced by the awkward silence, and we didn't have good coordination, as evidenced by my pummeling. I'm not sure how the date could have gone worse, but at least she laughed it off in the end, and I still had a chance to redeem my man card with another date… if the other girl would even allow it.

/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/

*~*BPOV*~*

"When did Ali leave again?" Rose asked, checking her watch.

"Hmm… I think she's been gone for about an hour and a half," I replied, staring at the clock on the wall. "I'm gonna go ahead and say that's a very good sign."

"You're telling me. I can't wait to hear how her date went."

"Well, you don't have to wait any longer," Alice announced when she came through the door. She looked flushed and sated. That could be good or very, very bad.

"Awesome!" I said, dragging her over to the couch. "We want every gory detail, so you better get ready to share."

"Oh my god, you guys," Alice started, resting her head against the couch and staring contentedly at the ceiling. "Just… wow!"

"That impre_th_ive, huh?" Rose smiled, urging Alice to continue.

"You have no idea," sighed Alice, grinning at both of us. "Jasper was super sweet. He even thought to bring us wine. It was so simple, but it helped us relax, and we fell into an easy conversation. We talked about everything… where we work, things we like, what we do for fun. I snuggled into his side the more we talked, and that's when I decided to pull out the Chico's story."

"You didn't!" I exclaimed, remembering that night all too well.

Chico's Pub was a little hole in the wall bar near our university, and to say we frequented it during our college career was an understatement. Ah, the memories, the fun, and the police escorts home.

"Oh, yes I did!" she continued, leaning forward for emphasis. "Well, he thought it was hilarious and started laughing, which was the best sound in the world, so I kissed him."

"Way to go, short-stuff!" I commented.

"Where, and how did he take it?" questioned Rose, clearly excited for Alice.

"On the neck, and I heard him take in a quick breath right before he mauled me," she squealed, and we joined her, jumping in our seats. "I could feel him starting to pull back after a couple kisses, thinking he moved too fast, but I grabbed his head and attacked his mouth. He started it and he was going to finish it! After realizing I wasn't letting him go, he repositioned us onto the floor, and my shirt and bra were quickly pushed out of the way, replaced with his mouth and hands.

"He pushed my legs apart and began grinding to a very nice rhythm. Before I knew it, we were moaning our releases, and then he was pulled off of me by a disgruntled crew member. I yelled to him that he better pick me for the other date, and he let out a 'definitely' before I heard the door shut and he was gone."

"Amazing!" said Rose, giving Alice a hug.

"Sounds like you had a spectacular time, Ali," I observed, smiling and hugging her, too.

"We did have a great time. And the best part was I never once felt like I would have an attack. He has such a calming presence, and he didn't even have to swear to get me off."

"Ha_th_ that ever happened before, Ali?" Rose inquired, unsure of herself. "I can't remember you ever being that relaxed on a date."

"You know, I think you're right, Rose," said Alice, thinking through her date history. "At least once during every date I've had to excuse myself, but being with Jasper was so different. He really seemed to center me."

Rose and I were so happy for Alice. It was hard not to be with the way she beamed when she talked about Jasper. She'd never had a steady boyfriend before, so we were both hoping this would turn into a long term relationship. It was unfortunate that guys bolted the second they figured out she had PGAD. Too bad for them, they were the one's missing out on a great girl.

"How exciting for you, babe!" I chimed, getting up and going to the kitchen. "I wonder how you two are gonna top that date? It sounded beyond perfect already."

"I'm sure we'll make do," Alice blushed, clearly swooning from Jasper's awesomeness. "Only thing I'm apprehensive about is telling him about my disorder. I never did get around to telling him."

"I think he'll be more accepting than you think, Ali," Rose added, assessing her reflection in the mirror on the wall. "Well, I'm off to my date. Maybe it will turn out like your_th_." She smiled at Alice before going to the door.

Alice returned Rose's smile, and ran to her for a good luck hug. I waved enthusiastically, giving her a thumbs up, but knew it wouldn't turn out half as good as Alice's. Rose was never one to put herself out there. She always waited for the guys to make the moves, and it turned out okay most of the time. But usually she ended up disappointed and wished she'd had the guts to take more chances. She was too sweet for her own good, and I was hoping this vacation would turn around her luck.

/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/

_Knock, knock._

"Rose, sweets, you don't have to knock," I announced, walking to the door.

"I'm sorry, but it's not Rose," said a squeaky male voice on the other side.

I opened the door warily and stared into the pimply face of one of the crew members. "Can I help you with something?" I asked, confusion lacing my words.

"I'm going to need you and Alice to come with me… now, please."

His words sent a chill up my spine.

"Alice!" I called down the hall. "We have to go. Something's wrong with Rose."

Faster than a speeding dildo, Alice was at my side, panic in her eyes as we followed the crew member. "What? Why?"

"I don't know yet," I swallowed back tears. "But if that fuckmonkey hurt her, I'll kick his ass!"

We were escorted through the house into a secluded room near the back of the mansion. Alice gripped my hand while we walked, holding back tears of her own. I think I was preparing myself for the worst… well, the worst I could handle, but I was also two seconds away from sprinting to the boys' side of the mansion and stealing the supplies to make myself a nice pair of testicle earrings. Not pretty, but it would get the point across.

"Here you go, ladies. Rose is just in here."

We raced passed the crew member, through the door, and into what looked like a very nice sitting area. Lying on a sofa across the room, Rose had an ice pack firmly planted on her face and another on her hip, while a stache-wearing medic took her blood pressure. I hurried to her side with Alice right behind me, and we knelt down next to her, each grabbing one of her hands. The medic quickly moved out of the way to give us more room.

"Oh my god, Rose," I started, the tears falling now. "What the fuck happened?"

Alice continued, holding back a sob, "I swear to the vibrator gods that I'll ruin his chances of procreating if you want me to. All you have to do is say the word."

She giggled and pulled her hand out of my grasp to take the ice pack off of her nose. "You two are overreacting. Edward didn't do any of thi_th_ on purpo_th_e."

When I could see Rose's face, I immediately assessed the damage. Her makeup was smeared and her nose was pink from the coldness of the ice pack, but otherwise she looked normal. She also appeared to have a black string coming out of each nostril.

"Don't be worried," Rose pleaded, giving us a genuine smile. "I'll be good a_th_ new in no time. The date went well, really, until Edward tried to put hi_th_ arm around me. He ended up elbowing me in the no_th_e in_th_tead."

She told us the rest of the details of her date disaster, but never once seemed mad at Edward. I had to admit, Rose was a better person than I would have been. Maybe it was the hockey player in me, but I would have thrown punches until he cried for mercy.

"Then they brought me in here and crammed my no_th_e with little tampon_th_," Rose ended with a shrug of her shoulders and an impish smile.

"Well, we're glad you're okay, sweets," I commented, smoothing her hair behind her ears. "Are you feeling up to walking back with us to the room?"

"Yeah. I think I want to take a nap. I'll go with you two."

After getting cleared by the medic and instructed on when to take the nasal tampons out, we slowly walked back to our room. I made sure Rose was settled and had a glass of water and some food on her bedside table before heading off to my date. Truthfully, she and Alice forced me to leave and swore they would be fine without me. I still felt like beating some ass.

Grudgingly, I followed another crew member to the dark room. Feeling like a total idiot as I fumbled around, I made myself comfortable on several oversized pillows that were resting on the floor. Thankfully, I was the first one in the room because I probably would have stomped on Emmett's nuts on accident.

I play hockey… I never said I was graceful.

In about five minutes, I heard Emmett opening the door, announcing his presence.

"Bella?"

"Over here, Emmett. It appears there are huge pillows on the floor, so don't trip."

"All right… um… tell me where to walk. I'm standing next to the door."

"Okay, I'm sitting in the corner of the room on the same side as the door, so follow the wall over to me."

I could hear Emmett shuffling his feet along the floor… and then he kicked me in the shin.

"Ow!" I screamed, grabbing my leg.

"Oh, fuck! I'm sorry," he apologized.

He started moving around, running his hands over my body in an attempt to make sure I was unharmed. Fortunately for him, he copped a feel before I slugged him in the gut.

"Hey!" he yelped, scooting around and settling next to me on the floor. "What was that for?"

"Keep your hands to yourself, grabass," I snarked, half-heartedly. "I save that for the second date."

"Ha ha! Great! So there's a chance for me then?"

"That's yet to be proven, but it seems like you could keep up with me, so it's looking promising."

We both shifted slightly, moving the pillows to get situated more comfortably. I rested a couple of them behind my back, against the wall, and leaned into them. I pulled my legs underneath myself, sitting Indian-style, and it sounded like Emmett did the same, but extended his legs rather than curling them up.

"Well, at least I didn't break your nose," he chuckled. "You know, Edward feels really bad about that."

"He better," I continued. "I was very close to hunting him down and returning the favor times ten."

"Wow, that's a tad drastic, don't you think?"

"No, I think it shows loyalty. Don't tell me you wouldn't go after someone if they hurt your friends."

"That's not what I'm saying," Emmett huffed. "Didn't Rosalie say it was an accident? Give the poor guy a break. Edward didn't go into the date with the intent to hurt her. He's a mess over it."

"I guess I see your point," I acquiesced. "Just… I tend to overreact, and automatically want to beat the living shit out of people. Character flaw."

"Hmm… interesting."

"What's interesting? That I blow my fuse on a regular basis?"

"Not really. What you said kinda made me think you and Edward in a room together could get… interesting."

"Well, now you're gonna have to say more," I felt myself smile as I thought about what Emmett was insinuating. "You've intrigued me."

"I won't expand beyond this," he paused for effect, "you two are very similar, yet polar opposites at the same time. You two could be diabolical!"

Emmett's words sent a pleasant shiver through my nether-regions. One second, I was thinking about voiding Edward's penis power, and the next I wanted to learn more about him. It was a very confusing prospect for me, since I hadn't had more than a one night stand in the past four years, and boyfriend-girlfriend status seemed to constantly evade me. I suppose I was really hoping not to screw this vacation up. Talk about whiplash.

"Whoa…" I whispered more to myself than Emmett.

"Just hurt yourself thinking, didn't ya?" I could literally hear the smirk in his voice.

"You're kind of an ass, you know that?"

"One of the best," he laughed. "And I'll even let you touch it, free of charge."

I giggled and nudged him with my shoulder. He barely moved even though I'd put quite a bit of force into it, and I'm not going to lie, I had the sudden urge to feel his arm.

"Hey, Emmett," I mumbled, suddenly unsure of myself. "Can I do something… strictly for research purposes, of course?"

"Uh, sure," he stuttered then added, "as long as it doesn't involve anything being inserted anywhere near my fine specimen of man-ass."

"Knock it off, will ya?" I snorted. "I just wanted to feel your arm."

"Go right ahead. Should I flex for you and give you the full effect?"

"No, that's all right. I think I'll survive with the flaccid version for now."

"Okay, well, don't say I didn't offer. You're missing out."

He placed his hand on my knee and I ran my fingers from his wrist to his forearm. I realized rather quickly that Emmett was ticklish. His muscles twitched and strained under my slight touch, and I could feel him holding back laughter. Deciding to take a different approach, I used my palm to move over his bicep, up to his shoulder, and back down to his bicep where I squeezed gently. The boy was ripped! His arm was easily the size of my leg, and I shuddered to think of how big the rest of his body was.

Mind, have you met my friend gutter?

"So, what did you think?" Emmett asked, taking his hand off my knee and stealing his muscles back.

I was thankful it was dark because he certainly would have seen the drool pouring from my gaping mouth.

"Um, nice… yeah, nice," I swallowed thickly, trying not to pant out loud. Too bad he noticed.

"Just so we're clear," his minty breath blew past my cheek, brushing the hair off my shoulder, and I noticed he was dangerously close to me, "you only get one free touch. The rest you have to earn."

Putty… complete and utter putty. At that moment, he could have told me to pick my nose and eat it, and I wouldn't have hesitated. I'm also pretty sure the next couple words that came out of my mouth were gibberish, as evidenced by his booming laughter.

"Bella, you are so easily flustered. Definitely have to get you and Eddie-boy together."

Ugh! I wanted to smack him! The schmuck was playing with me the entire time, seeing if he could get a rise out of me. Point one, Emmett… Bella, nil. Two could play this game.

"Thought that was funny, did you?" I questioned, hopefully turning this around on him. "Well, what if I said I don't always wait till the second date for a proper groping?"

That seemed to shut him up rather quickly. I heard him gulp and slightly whimper before I continued, "But since you've made it clear I only get one free touch, it only seems fair to return the favor. And you had a nice little rummage over my body when you first came in, so I'd say we're even."

One all.

I could hear Emmett scooting around on the floor, and all of a sudden, I was being lifted into the air and slung over his shoulder. Screaming, flailing, punching. Nothing fazed him, and the more I struggled, the louder he laughed in return.

"Put me down, you big oaf!" I yelled, clawing for a hold on his back.

"Aw, come on," he pouted. "I just started having fun."

Then he smacked my ass with a resounding "thwap" and settled me onto the pillows. I debated beating him up, but it was impossible to see where my punches would go, so I opted for crossing my arms in frustration and sulking.

"What? Now you won't talk to me," Emmett said, sounding sorry. "I just thought it'd be funny."

He then said something under his breath, and I caught the words "Edward" and "sour-puss" before his mumblings dropped off.

For the love of Bob! Emmett was like a kid… a big, goofy kid. He was venturing into big brother status with the antics he was pulling, and that's when it hit me; there's no way his frame matched the size of the guy I'd spied in the window the other day. That left only Edward to be my mystery boy-toy, and I'd just been rubbing all over the wrong guy. Not that Emmett wasn't gorgeous in his own right, but Edward was lean while still being built, yet not overbearingly so. Emmett was also getting on my nerves a little, and I decided it was time to tone down the "date-ness" factor and go for more of a friend approach.

"You know, you're right," I sighed, jumping back into our conversation. "That was funny. I'm glad you broke the tension. Thank you."

"It was the least I could do," then it was his turn to nudge me, but instead of being immobile, I was smooshed against the wall.

I sputtered and pushed against him, while he eased the pressure and sat back into his own space.

"So," Emmett began as I caught my breath and got comfortable again, "tell me more about this 'Chico' guy. Jasper seemed to think he was hilarious."

"Did he now?" I cringed, wondering exactly how much Jasper divulged. "What did Jasper have to say about Chico?"

"He said Alice swore him to secrecy, so I figured I would try and get the details from you… dear, sweet Bella."

I opened and closed my mouth several times, debating whether to tell the real story or modify it and save myself the embarrassment. After a few minutes, I threw caution to the wind and decided Emmett seemed like he could appreciate a good laugh, so I went for the truth.

"Okay, I'll tell you about Chico," I sighed. "But you have to promise not to tell Edward anything until one of us girls says it's all right. Think you can handle that?"

"No problem," he replied, sounding excited. "Hit me with it!"

"So, I don't know Chico personally, but apparently he owned a little, shit-hole pub close to our university. During college, Alice, Rose, and I went there just about every night of our junior and senior years. We'd go there after dinner and stay until we could barely walk ourselves back to our dorms. Another specialty of ours was getting police escorts home for various misunderstandings that always seemed to be our fault.

"Well, one night near the end of our senior year… our last night ever allowed into Chico's fine establishment, Alice was trying to drink Rose and I under the table. She was doing a fairly decent job of keeping up with us, meeting us shot for shot, but then Rose challenged us to a game of darts. One thing about Alice is she never turns down a competition, so I leisurely grabbed the darts from the board, and we began our game.

"At first, we weren't really trying, just throwing the darts at the board with no intention of keeping score. Then Alice realized I was doing better than her and Rose, so she wanted to up the ante. Not only did she want to continue playing darts, but she wanted to add drinking and blindness to the plot."

"Oh, man. This is great!" Emmett cheered. He was so giddy it was infectious.

"We made rules that you had to throw your dart while being blindfolded, and if you had the lowest score after each round, you'd have to take a shot. I had the great idea that my bra would be the infamous blindfold, and Alice volunteered Rose to go first.

"Two shots for Alice, and one shot for Rose later, I thought increasing the difficulty of our game would be prudent in our drunken states. Not noticing the three guys gearing up to play pool directly in front of us, I fashioned my bra into a sling shot, loaded it with one of the darts, and let it fly. Unfortunately, my aim was impaired, as was my judgment, and the dart flew no more than five feet before sticking straight into one of the pool players' asses. He spun around, grabbing his dart-riddled ass, and glared at us, all while the three of us were giggling hysterically."

Emmett's laughter was reverberating around the room. I was very glad he was enjoying himself so far, but my story wasn't over yet, and he was going to hear the whole thing if it took me all night.

"Our laughing fits were short-lived, however, and we got a lecture about dart safety before being escorted to the police station and asked never to return. Thankfully for us, Alice had been saving up money for such an event, and she was able to bail us out and pay for a taxi to take us home with one swipe of her credit card. Our parents weren't as forgiving.

"They signed us up for community service at the local adult day care center, and I got drooled on all day by a guy who couldn't keep his hands off his penis. Rose was forced to sing songs with the crazies, and Alice tried to play board games with an old lady who kept sticking her finger in her butt and sniffing it. Awesome day."

"That was hilarious!" Emmett chuckled. "But it definitely could've been worse."

"I don't know," I paused, confused why he thought that wasn't nearly as horrific as it sounded. "I'm pretty sure those days make it into the top ten most embarrassing days of my life."

"If you say so, but I know Edward's got you beat."

"How could he possibly have that humiliation beat?"

"Because I caused it."

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><p><strong>AN: Everyone's had their first dates now. Did you enjoy the pairings? A little detour next chapter before we get to their second dates. A bit more fun, i.e. torture, for our crew! Aren't you excited? And nasal tampons are real… you can Google it. ;) I also have no idea if Chico really owns a pub in Wisconsin, or anywhere for that matter. Please don't take offense to my story. I mean no harm, Chico. Leave a review, or hate mail, whatever… I'll write you back either way.**

**Under the Radar on The Twilight Awards posted my fic! Link here and on my profile. They also gave me a nifty banner, which I will wear proudly for all to see! http : / / reviews . thetwilightawards . com / 2011 / 10 / under-radar-dating-in-dark-by . html**

**Rec: **_**Never Let Me Go**_** by TwilightNerdLauren is a must read! Don't let the "T" rating sway you. She writes emotions beautifully and her Edward is such a sweetheart. Go! Run! Read and Review! www . fanfiction . net / s / 7390252 / 1 / Never_Let_Me_Go **


	8. Stories, Bags, and Fleshlights, Oh My!

**A/N: Hello, my lovelies! I'm thrilled to be back, and even more thrilled at the continued positive response for this story. I will never be able to thank each and every one of you enough for all of the reviews, alerts, and favorites! You make me squee!**

**Major hugs and smooches to Lulabelle98 for being amazeballs and assigning DitD as Rec of the Week on her blog Underfictionated. Check out her WIP, **_**The Long Walk Home**_**, and her drabble fic, **_**A Healing Touch**_**. Here is a link to her profile: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net / u / 1595209 / lulabelle98**

**Thanks to my beta and prereader: Sovereignvision and Twifan82**

**Thanks to my VBs: Jenny Cullen, Angel_eyes1_uk, and TwifanUK**

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. I own lots of dirty laundry. I hate laundry. ****© 2011 ****twicrack83**

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><p>*~*BPOV*~*<p>

"What do you mean you caused it?" I asked Emmett, intrigued and slightly frightened at the same time.

"Well, there was a time when Edward and I didn't get along very well," Emmett sighed. "We were idiotic and stupid back then, letting old family feuds guide our behaviors, and I sorta got carried away one day."

"You guys seem to be great friends now," I assessed, trying to ease some of the tension Emmett was spewing. "It couldn't have been that bad."

"You'd think, but I made his life miserable in multiple ways for the stunt I pulled," Emmett paused, sighed, and scooted around on the floor. I could tell he was stalling, debating whether or not to continue with his tale or leave the rest for Edward to tell.

"Don't stop now," I pleaded. "You can't start a story like that and not finish it. I even promise not to interrupt, and I won't tell Edward you squealed, either."

Emmett chuckled nervously, but continued, "All right. I guess I'll tell you. I'll just tell Edward you forced me into it. Anyway… our families never got along. Something about our father's competing for top of the class during medical school. Whatever. So, we hated each other's guts since before we were conceived, and when I realized we were going to go to the same high school, I started planning his demise.

"Freshman year finally started, and lucky for me and my plan, Edward and I had the same gym class. Of course this meant we would shower after class, leaving our clothes unattended. Well, being a teenager meant not only overactive hormones, but overactive sweat glands and the nastiness that can come along with that. I'd developed a pretty bad case of athlete's foot, and I decided to use that as part of my torture.

"One day after class, I dawdled around when I was getting undressed and waited until Edward left his gym bag on the floor and walked to the showers. Taking that as my cue, I quickly went to his bag and rifled through it looking for my weapon of choice. Finally, I found it and did my damage until I was satisfied with the outcome.

"You see, after my dad told me I had athlete's foot, he informed me that I needed to be extra careful not to let it spread… especially to the genital area. Apparently, athlete's foot is caused by the same fungus that causes jock itch."

I took in a sharp breath, covering my mouth with my hand and heard Emmett groan in remorse.

"Yeah, so that's all I wanted to do. I'd taken his jock strap out of his bag and rubbed my feet all over it, making sure to pay special attention to the inside. I was hoping to give him a healthy dose of jock itch, but ended up giving him something way worse and way more embarrassing.

"The next week, Edward missed the first couple of days of school and I didn't think anything of it until he eventually came to classes on Wednesday. He looked incredibly uncomfortable when I first saw him walking in front of me in the hall. Edward was moving rather slowly and almost waddling with each step.

"After getting into our mutual science classroom, I realized what was wrong. Edward was wearing baggy track pants, but they weren't baggy enough to hide his problem. Not only had I given him a rather impressive case of jock itch, but I'd inadvertently caused epididymitis."

"Epi-did-a-what?" I spoke, not understanding what Emmett was getting at.

"Epididymitis. Basically, the fungus that caused the jock itch got into his penis by crawling up his urethra and planted itself in his epididymis, causing swelling and tenderness in a not very comfortable place. Unfortunately, his body reacted and from what I could see, he was rocking some grapefruit sized testicles from my little stunt."

"Oooh, not good," I moaned, knowing that must have been excruciatingly uncomfortable.

"At the time, I was beyond ecstatic with the success of my plan. Edward was sporting excess junk with his trunk, and he was the laughing stock of the entire school… and the local nursing home. I'm not sure those poor old ladies ever recovered from seeing him."

"You're kidding!"I prodded. I had to hear more.

"Oh, man. He's gonna kill me," murmured Emmett, and it sounded like he was roughly rubbing his face and cursing before he began again. "Edward was doing ballet back in high school, but nobody knew about it. He told me this part of the story after we'd reconciled our differences and it made me feel even worse.

"That weekend, Edward was scheduled to perform scenes at the nursing home from a very popular play. His parents made him dance for the residents on special occasions, and one resident really wanted to see him perform on her birthday. So, he showed up to perform scenes of… wait for it… The Nutcracker."

"No freaking way!" I spluttered, laughing hysterically.

"Yep, Edward was decked out in all his spandex glory, engorged ball sac and all. I think three of the ladies had to go the hospital, and he was never asked to return again."

Fits of giggling echoed around the dark room. I couldn't seem to stop myself, and picturing a teenage boy in spandex with an oversized testicular issue made me laugh that much louder. Eventually, I calmed down enough and could hear Emmett whispering to himself… something about "gotta go" and "can't say anymore."

"Oh, no, Emmett," I started, worried now that I'd done something to insult him. "I hope you don't get into trouble for this. Just tell Edward to blame me. I can handle myself, and it was years ago. Nothing to dwell on."

"No, I mean, I really messed him up," he huffed, getting frustrated with himself. "If you want to know more, you'll have to ask him. I think I've said too much as it is."

"If I would've known the story was truly that embarrassing, I wouldn't have pushed you to tell me. Tell you what; I'll talk to Edward about it on the next date."

"Are you saying you don't want go on another date with me?" I could hear the disappointment in his voice.

"Uh, no, that's not what I meant," I stuttered. "It's just, um…"

"I'm kidding, Bella," Emmett reassured, finding my shoulders with his hands and pulling me to him for a hug. "I know you two need to get together. Besides, I really want to talk more with your friend, Rose. She seems nice."

That she was. Nicer than I would have been in response to an elbow to the face. Emmett and I said our goodbyes and made our way out of the room, one by one. I walked back to our side of the mansion, thinking over the story I'd just heard. Completely embarrassing and way worse than I could have imagined. My measly night at Chico's Pub couldn't hold a flame to Edward's shitfest of a freshman year in high school.

Poor Edward. How miserable that must have been for him. As much as I wanted to hear more about that story, I also didn't want to push him. It seemed like a sensitive subject, and if Emmett told him I knew, Edward might think I would laugh in his face. But I meant it when I said it was in the past, and we shouldn't dwell on it. My goal was to choose him for the next date and apologize. I just hoped he would choose me, too.

/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/

After regaling the girls with most of my date, Alice, Rose, and I fought over who would get on the computer to send our next date requests. Alice won, but not before she stuffed a peanut up my nose and pulled Rose's hair. She was a persistent little twat when she wanted to be.

Rose and I followed her to the computer and watched her type to Jasper.

_Hey, cowboy! Meet me in the dark room tomorrow evening. You won't be sorry! ::smooches::  
>-Alice<em>

We smiled down at Alice as she pressed send, and both smacked her upside her head to get her out of the chair. She flipped us both off and skipped her way over to the couch so Rose could send her email next.

_Emmett, would you meet me in the dark room tomorrow? I'd love to get to know you better.  
>-Rose<em>

I patted her back as she stood up and went over to join Alice in the sitting area. Now it was my turn. I took my seat in the chair, cracking my knuckles as I waited for the email to pull up.

_Edward, thanks for beating up my friend. She needed some smacking around. Meet me in the dark room tomorrow, and I'll show you how to really provide a beat down.  
>-Bella<em>

There. Just enough fear and sexual tension to confuse the boy. He can take that however he wants, but he better show up.

Joining Rose and Alice on the couch, we waited impatiently for the boys to email us back. We flipped through the channels on the TV, not truly watching anything, and after about twenty minutes, we heard the computer ping.

"I got it! I got it!" Alice screamed, bolting to the computer in a blur. She bounced in her seat while the emails uploaded on her screen. "Yes! I knew he'd write me."

We read over her shoulder, squeeing with her in excitement.

_Hey, sexy lady. Glad to see you're ready for a repeat session. I'm definitely _UP_ for anything you've got in mind.  
>-Jasper<em>

"You are so lucky, Ali," I commented, ruffling her hair. "He is perfect for you!"

"Totally your type, babe," Rose added, smiling down at her. "You two were made for each other."

"I really think so, too," Alice responded, beaming up at us. "I'm gonna tell him about _everything_ tomorrow night. He makes me feel so at ease when I'm around him. I'm sure he'll understand."

We nodded and hugged and rushed her out of the seat. Again, Rose went next, taking a deep breath before opening her mail.

_Hello, Rose. I would love to get to know you better, too. Be there or be square!  
>-Emmett<em>

Rose giggle-snorted, I rolled my eyes, and Alice was still bouncing in excitement as she stood next to me. It was my turn, and all of a sudden, my palms got sweaty and my heart starting beating faster. Odd. Clicking the email with a slightly shaky hand, it opened and I could barley believe my eyes.

_Bella, I'd love to have you give me a good beating, just as long as I can reciprocate with my own special kind of torture. Hope you're ready for my wrath.  
>-Edward<em>

Was this guy for real? Did he seriously just proposition me? I tingled from head to toe in anticipation, and that never happened to me. I wasn't that girl who swooned over guys, let alone guys I'd never said more than three words to. I hadn't even seen his face, and my body was already betraying me.

Shaking my head, I tried to clear my thoughts. I got up from the chair and walked to the fridge for a bottle of water.

"So, Bella," began Alice, following me into the kitchen. "Whatcha think? You look a little green. You okay?"

"Um, yeah, sure," was my great response, and I swigged several gulps of water before slamming the bottle on the counter. "Edward seems great," I droned. "Can't wait till we meet."

Rose and Alice gave each other knowing glances. They walked up to me, grabbed me by the arms, and shuffled me over to the couch.

"Bella, we know you better than that," said Rose, sitting on my right. "What are you afraid of?"

"Tell us what happened in that head of yours," Alice joined, taking up residence on the coffee table in front of me. "You know we won't let anything happen to you."

"I know," I sighed, closing my eyes and resting my head on the back of the sofa. "I think I scared myself back there. Just thinking too hard, I guess."

"You're full of it, _Th_wan," huffed Rose. Uh, oh. She pulled out the last name. This can't be good. "I think you've got a thing for Edward, but you don't want to admit it. What I don't under_th_tand i_th_ why? And what doe_th_ it matter, anyway? We're here to have fun, meet people, and maybe have a fling. Anything el_th_e i_th_ gravy."

"So what if you feel something for him," Alice stated. "That's awesome! And we're supportive of your decision. Not everyone will turn out like Riley."

The name made me cringe. My stomach started rolling, and I felt my face get hot. Not from blushing, but from anger, hurt, and indescribable pain. I didn't want to talk about this right now, especially not since I'd just had a major revelation about Edward. He seemed like there might actually be something worth pursuing, and I didn't want to screw that up if I could help it.

"Thanks, ladies," I half-smiled, getting up from the couch. "I'm sure my fears are unfounded. I just have to get over the fact that I might hurl because I'm acting like a pansy about all of this. I've barely talked to Edward and he's already pushing my buttons. I need some time to process everything."

They looked at me with sad eyes and pouty lips as I turned to walk to my room. Maybe they thought this was just about Riley, but I knew better. Sure Riley deserved to die a miserable, excruciating, painful death, but that really wasn't the main issue. Edward was sending me on a roller coaster ride of emotions from giggling at his career choice to wanting to rip off his penis, and now to making me flush with excitement at the chance to meet him. The prospect to make a good first impression was never something I dwelled on before, and now it was all I could think about.

/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/

Morning seemed to take forever to arrive. I tossed and turned all night, strategizing plans of attack for my impending date with Edward. Should I play it sweet and sassy, or sexy and sultry, or throw it all out the window and let fate take over. Fate seemed like my best bet, since I'd probably humiliate myself attempting the other two scenarios. Only time would tell, and tonight couldn't get here fast enough.

"What's the plan for the day?" Alice asked the crew member who met with us after breakfast. He'd taken us to a separate room in the mansion and was getting ready to brief us on the day's events.

"Today we have a 'getting to know you' session," he squeaked, pushing his glasses back on his pointy nose. "I brought you to this secluded room so your suite could be prepped for our activity this morning. Another crew member is doing the same with the gentlemen as we speak."

"Can you tell u_th_ anymore about the activity?" Rose inquired, looking anxious.

"All I can say is that the activities will be the same for both the women and men," he explained, "and you will all get to learn some personal things about each other."

That didn't sound too bad. Actually, it'd be nice to learn a little more about the boys, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't anxious and excited to get to know more about Edward in particular.

After about an hour, we went back to our suite. Rose nervously opened the door, and we all snuck a quick glance into the room. Nothing too drastic must have taken place because hardly anything was out of order. The kitchen table had been replaced with a larger table and it was adorned with three suitcases, none of which were ours.

"Ladies, if you will," the crew member began and motioned for us to walk toward the table with the luggage. As we walked he explained, "These are the suitcases of the three gentlemen who are on the show with you. We won't tell you whose bag is whose; that is for you to guess. You are allowed to rifle through any compartments and contents, to your liking, for the next hour. After that we will return to collect their belongings. Any questions?"

We all shook our heads and stared ominously at the bags as the crew member left us to our devices. Somehow I knew this was not anywhere close to what Alice and Rose thought was planned for our activity, and I sure as hell didn't really want to touch nasty-boy underwear that may be hidden in the bags.

The cameraman who stayed to film our activity urged us to start, and we each stood by a bag. Alice chose the bag that was dark grey with cobalt blue trim. Rose stood next to the bag that was bright orange with black trim, and I got stuck with the bag that was light blue with Hawaiian print flowers covering the outside.

What the…?

Each unzipping our corresponding suitcases, we flipped open the lids and sighed in relief. At least nothing on the surface looked grody in any of the bags, but we still had to rummage through their personal effects to prove the safety of the contents. Alice went first and started slowly pulling out folded clothes. It appeared that whoever this bag belonged to had a thing for V-neck shirts and worn out jeans. When all the clothes seemed to be out of the bag, the only remaining item was a small black traveling case. She opened the zipper on it and peeked inside, quietly giggling to herself.

"Wow, okay," Alice laughed as she picked out pieces, one by one, and set them on the table. "A razor, cologne, deodorant, toothbrush and toothpaste, hair gel, and the best part… makeup!"

She finished her perusal with a flourish by dumping the remaining contents on the table. Out rolled foundation, powder, eyeliner, mascara, chapstick, and a set of tweezers. Somebody liked to go all out.

"Whoa," Rose stated, a smirk gracing her face. "Who do you think that belong_th_ to?"

"No clue," I returned. "Maybe we should go through the others and then compare."

Rose and I dove precariously into our suitcases. Apparently her boy favored boxer briefs, while mine clearly preferred tighty-whitey's. She pushed the final items around, finding a book. As I glanced over her shoulder, I snickered when I saw the title.

"_The Complete Idiot's Guide to Tantric Sex_," I pronounced, holding back an eye roll. "Interesting choice."

I was reluctant to say more about it considering we didn't know who it belonged to, but really? Whatever gets you going… and keeps you going, I suppose.

Stifling several obscene comments, I continued to look through my boy's bag. I was almost at the bottom and lifted up the final shirt when I saw… it. I threw the shirt in my hand up in the air and jumped backwards, slamming into the wall behind me. You would've thought there was a snake in the bag by how fast I moved, but there was no way was I touching that thing with my bare hands.

Rose and Alice looked at me like I'd lost my mind, and started angling their heads so they could see into the suitcase. As realization hit them, Alice squealed like a virgin teenager, eyes getting wide and blushing, and Rose stuck her face closer to examine it. I guess when I was taking out his clothes, I dislodged the cap on the offending device, and there, in all its light pink glory, was a _Fleshlight_.

"Seriously," I choked out, my breathing returning to normal. I stepped closer to the bag again, making sure my eyes hadn't deceived me, and yep… it was still there. "Can they not go a week without using that? I mean, come on… use your hand and be discreet."

"It doe_th_n't look… right," Rose said, still inspecting it. "I think… it ha_th_… wing_th_."

"Wings?" Alice questioned, starting to giggle now. "I have to see this."

"Awkward," I joined, craning my neck to get a closer look now that my body calmed back down. "It does look like it has wings coming from… there. Like… bat wings."

As I mentioned that, we all leaned in to get a closer look. The device was normal looking, if vaginas looked like flashlights, except for what appeared to be a set of small bat wings where the inner labia were supposed to be.

"Why… what… how…?" I stammered, unable to form a complete sentence. I was confused, intrigued, and slightly turned on all at the same time.

"I have no idea," added Rose, scrunching up her eyebrows and turning her head to the side, as if looking at it from a different angle would help this situation make more sense.

"Wait," interrupted Alice, pointing to the other end of the handle. "It says _DRAC_… like Dracula, maybe. You think he has a thing for vampires?"

Ah, Alice. Always the detective. Rose and I smiled and commented, "What a weirdo."

We had a few more giggles as we packed their bags back up. Trying to figure out which boy the bags belonged to proved to be difficult. Just when we thought we knew which suitcase matched a boy, one of us would come up with something that placed doubt in our heads, and we'd end up back at square one.

While Alice zipped closed the luggage in front of her, she asked the cameraman, "So, when do we get our suitcases back?"

Before she finished her sentence, I felt my breakfast hit the back of my throat and I ran for the bathroom. I was so focused on the boys' suitcases that I'd forgotten about the other half of the activity. The boys rooted through our luggage just as we had with theirs, which meant they saw the monstrosity that was my bag.

I watched my breakfast splash into the bathroom sink.

/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/

*~*EPOV*~*

Fuming. Pissed off. Enraged… at Emmett. I was pacing back and forth in the sitting area, wrapping my head around what he'd just told me about his date with Bella the night before. He was attempting to divert my anger, unsuccessfully.

"You'll have to talk to her, bro," Emmett evaded, plopping down on the couch. "She wants to talk to you about it anyway."

"Talk to me, or make fun of me?" I mumbled under my breath. Raising my voice as I made my way to the computer, I said, "Of all the pranks we pulled on each other, _that_ had to be the one you chose."

"She asked for most embarrassing. I thought it would be the best example. And just so you know, your story blew hers out of the water."

"Great. Well, next time a girl asks you for something, just bend over!" I screamed and jumped up from my chair, making it crash to the floor.

Emmett cringed when I yelled and glared at him. At least he had the decency to look repentant, but it didn't make me feel any better. I'd never felt comfortable enough with a girl to tell that story, and now Emmett went and told Bella and the entire United States before I could stop him. Hopefully, Bella wasn't fazed by it, and we could have some semblance of a normal date.

"I'm 'O' for one in the date department on this stupid show," I sighed, trying to reign in my anger, "and I would've loved to start off with a clean slate for Bella, but I guess that's not gonna happen."

"If it's any consolation," Emmett replied, "I don't think she cared. Sure she laughed, but she said she didn't want to focus on it. That's pretty responsible, if you ask me." He stopped for a second, thinking to himself then continued, "Bella invited you on the date, right? Give her a chance before you start making assumptions on how she'll react. I think you two will really get along."

I rubbed my eyes and ran my fingers through my hair. Emmett was a pretty good judge of character, so I hoped he was right about Bella.

During our awkward silence, Jasper walked into the room, eying us both warily. "Damn. What's got your tutu in a bunch, Edward? Did Em kill your date?"

"Not quite," I deadpanned, not moving my death glare off of Emmett. "But close enough. He told Bella the testicle story."

"Oooh," Jasper flinched, looking over to Emmett. "Not cool, man."

I could tell Emmett wanted to respond, but he also wanted us to drop it and move on. He'd already been reamed for that stunt several times over, and our vacation wasn't the spot to rehash old wounds.

Taking a couple of deep, cleansing breaths, I nodded once at Emmett, forgiving his transgression and choosing to deal with it my own way. He nodded back, sheepishly, and Jasper exhaled in relief, helping us all relax.

The rest of the morning went smoothly. Crew members came by to set up our suite for the first activity, and we waited patiently to see what was in store for us. By the time we got back to our room, we'd gone through fifteen different scenarios that would be awaiting us, including, but not limited to, all of the girls in skimpy bikinis having a pillow fight in a large pool of Jell-O. Who wouldn't want to see that?

Anyway, that's obviously not what we were greeted with upon our return, much to our disappointment. But we did get to sort through some very nice girly things with lace and frills. You know, like panties and bras.

Hee hee! Panties… boobies… _drool_. What was I talking about?

Oh, yeah. Suitcases. Well, Jasper rummaged through a bag with lots of L's and V's printed on the tan fabric, finding very tiny, very expensive looking clothing and accessories. Emmett got excited while going through his baby blue suitcase. He was lucky enough to find barely there negligee and a pocket vibrator. He was even brave enough to turn the sucker on. That thing had a kick to it!

My suitcase… well, let's just say it really wasn't much of a suitcase anymore. I think it was originally a bright canary yellow, and it looked like it shouldn't be functioning. The zipper didn't work, and when I opened it up, I grimaced at the contents. There was creamy goo covering almost every visible spot. It looked like someone placed a liquid grenade in the bag and closed it right before it exploded. At least it smelled nice.

I carefully removed items and set them aside. Numerous girlie a sundries later, I'd just about lost hope for anything interesting when a tattered paperback book appeared. The binding was worn, the top corner of the cover was missing, and the pages were fraying around the edges. I read the title and took a closer look at the cover… and felt a twitch in my pants.

"_Real Men Go Deep_," I swallowed hard and glanced at Jasper and Emmett who were both shifting uncomfortably where they stood. "Somebody likes erotica. We got a kinky one!"

Emmett cleared his throat, Jasper rolled his shoulders, and I started flipping through the pages.

"_Deep Within_," I chuckled, reciting titles from the book. "_A Hole in One_. _Plumbers Do It With Their Tools_. _Riding Bareback_."

"Edward," Jasper began, sounding strained and looking panicked. "You need to st-st-stop."

Immediately, I dropped the book, thinking of what I needed to do to protect Jasper.

"Okay. Taping's over," I announced to the cameraman, placing my hand over the lens and pushing him back. Thankfully, he didn't resist too much and went on his merry way.

"N-n-nipple flicker. P-p-pussy donut. C-c-cunt flosser," Jasper slurred out his attack as I shut the door.

"Jazz, I'm so sorry," I apologized, leading him to the couch. "I had no idea, man."

Jasper sat down on the sofa and closed his eyes as the attack subsided. He clenched and relaxed his fists, lulling his head back to rest on the cushions. Slowly, he opened his eyes and whispered, "Not your fault, Edward. I think I got overly anxious from searching through the suitcases. All the lacey, frilly stuff got to me."

"I know what you mean, Jazz," Emmett interjected, sitting in the chair next to the couch. "Then Eddie-boy found that book and all I could think about were fun bags and blow jobs."

We laughed and shook our heads. These girls already had control over us, and we barely knew them. No one had even seen each other, but the chance to see and touch their unmentionables gave us more incentive to behave. If all went as planned, and the girls liked us back, then we'd have a chance to see them wearing their lace and frills… and eventually nothing at all.

We are so screwed.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Epididymitis is real. Someone I know very intimately had it when he was little. Testicles swelled to the size of baseballs, poor guy. But it had no ill effects. In fact, he could practically just breathe on me and I'd get pregnant. Oops! TMI. ;)**

**So, the suitcase made another appearance. Poor Bella, but at least Edward thought it smelled good. Any ideas on whose suitcase was whose? The **_**DRAC Fleshlight**_** is real, too. There's a companion toy for girls, if you know what I mean. And what's up with this Riley character? Ideas? We'll find that out with time, and the second dates are up next! Leave a review and let me know your guesses!**

**Don't forget to follow me on Twitter: twicrack83**

**Loves and snugs!**

**;) M**


	9. It's a miracle!

**A/N: Hey, hey, hey! How are all my lovelies doing? I seriously can't thank you all enough for the continued support, reviews, follows, and alerts. You make my heart pitter-patter.**

**Time for the second dates! Aren't ya excited?**

**Thanks to my beta and prereader: Sovereignvision and Twifan82**

**Thanks to my VBs: Jenny Cullen, Angel_eyes1_uk, and TwifanUK**

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. I own two very excited boys who get to go to Disney World for the first time this weekend, and a third boy who doesn't have a shit clue what's going on. But it's all good. I'm excited enough for everybody. Woot! ****© 2011 ****twicrack83**

* * *

><p>*~*BPOV*~*<p>

"Edward, are you in here?" I yelled into the darkness as I shut the door. "Dammit, it's too freaking dark in here."

"Yeah, Bella," Edward's voice floated from across the room. "I'm over here. There's a couch set up against the wall for us."

I stumbled through the darkness, arms outstretched, searching for the couch. My feet shuffled slowly, and I heard his gentle breathing as I got closer to my destination.

"Ah, there you are," he said, taking my hands and pulling me down onto the sofa next to him. "I think this is more of a chaise lounge than a couch, but that's nice. More room to cuddle."

"Well then," I countered, sneaking into his embrace, my back pressed to his front, his arms encircling my middle. "You sure know how to make a girl melt."

"That's actually a specialty of mine. I'm glad you noticed."

I could hear the smile in his voice. Absentmindedly running my fingers back and forth over the muscles of his forearms, I replied, "Thanks for meeting with me for this date. I wanted to let you know that I'm sorry for making Emmett tell me your story."

"No problem. It was a long time ago, anyway," he paused and took a deep breath. "I didn't want to dwell on that tonight. I really wanted to do this."

His hand gently crept up my arm sending a pleasant shiver over my body. Sweeping the hair off of my shoulder, he shifted in his seat, leaned forward and pressed several soft, lingering kisses up and down my neck.

Sweet torture consumed me as my body reacted to his teasing. Heart rate increasing. Breathing erratic. Butterflies frantic… and only from a kiss!

"You know I saw you peeking at me," he whispered into my ear, his breath hot and warm as it flowed over my cheek. "The other day, before the group date, I was hoping to get a glimpse of any of you, to see what I was in for. But when I saw you crouched on that balcony, biting your lip, I knew I needed to have you."

My heart skipped into overdrive, and I was sure he could hear my pulse with as rapid as it was pumping. Frozen with anticipation, I held my breath. His fingers danced along my neck, coming to rest on my chin, and he angled my face back toward his.

"Breathe, Bella," his words washed over my lips, then his mouth was on mine and my head was spinning from intoxication.

Holy crap! I was a goner. His lips moved softly at first and grew stronger, more needy, as he cradled my head in his hand, gently pulling the hair at the nape of my neck. My tongue seemed to have a mind of its own and popped out to get a small taste of him. Sweet and minty, soft and pliable. He opened his mouth and met my tongue with his own, leaving us both moaning at the contact.

My neck was starting to strain in my current position, so I scooted around and straddled his waist, never breaking our connection. I needed some friction to help the silent burning in my core, and he seemed to read my mind as I moved to hover over him.

Grabbing my waist, he pulled me forward and down, lifting his hips and grinding up against the perfect spot. He was firm and wanting, straining against his pants, needing the same friction I so desperately wanted to relieve. Groaning into each others' mouths, I fisted his hair in my fingers and plunged my tongue through his lips.

"Oh my god! Don't stop," I panted, breaking our kiss and continuing our hasty rhythm toward release.

"Never," he purred, trailing hot, wet kisses down my neck. His tongue darted out, tasting my collarbone, and he cooed, "More."

His fingers roamed higher, finding purchase at the hem of my shirt, and he swiftly pulled it over my head and tossed it on the floor. I felt his hands come back to my hips, and he pushed me down onto himself again, while running his nose from my neck to the swell of my breast.

"Yes! Please, more!" I mewled, shamelessly rubbing on him, shoving my chest toward his eager mouth.

One of his hands danced up my side, finding my covered flesh, and released me from the lace. He quickly cupped my breast, sucking my nipple between his teeth, causing me to cry out.

"Mmm, Edward!"

He continued pulling… tugging… caressing my supple skin, eventually freeing the other breast and paying equal attention to both.

"Bella," he whispered, on the verge of his own climax. "Bella. Bella."

Grinding more forcefully, feeling a flush extend over my entire body, I breathed out his name as he continued saying mine. Teetering on the edge of ecstasy, I heard him murmur, "Bella, wake up. Come on."

_Motherfucker!_

My eyes shot open and standing over my bed was Rose, one eyebrow raised, suppressing a knowing smile.

"Ugh!" I growled, throwing my arm over my face. "You have the worst timing in the history of man!"

"Yeah, I could tell," she responded, sitting on the end of the bed. "Having a good time, huh?"

"No, kidding. Then you had to ruin it for me. What's the deal?"

"Ali needed you to quiet down."

"Oh," I immediately felt bad for making her uncomfortable. "Was I really that loud?"

"Pretty much. Ali wanted to be calm for her date, but you were riling her up."

"Shit, that sucks. Where is she? I need to apologize."

After Rose explained that Alice was currently relieving herself, I got up from my impromptu sexy-dream nap and followed her into the sitting area. The last thing I remembered before falling asleep was worrying about my date with Edward. I wanted to tell him I was sorry, and I was working through different scenarios in my head. Apparently, my imagination really wanted me to apologize with a first date dry humping session. Not that I minded in my dream, but I'm pretty sure Edward would think I was one step away from Whoreville if I tried that in real life.

Guess that's what I get for reading smut before naps.

When Alice eventually made it back into the room, I pleaded for forgiveness and she let me know all was fine. She felt even more relaxed now than she did before, and she was very much looking forward to her date with Jasper. They were second to go after Emmett and Rose, and the boys had the chore of planning the dates for us.

"Are you excited, Rose?" Alice asked, plopping down between Rose and me on the couch. "Do you know what he has in store for you yet?"

"I'm very excited!" Rose exclaimed, beaming at Alice. "And the only thing I know about the date i_th_ there will be a ma_th_age table."

"Wow," I added. "He's going all out. I didn't even get a drink. He must really want to impress you, babe."

Rose glowed. She could barely contain her enthusiasm, and I was thrilled for her. Emmett was a good match for Rose, and she was minutes away from figuring that out on her own.

After giggling and chatting about Rose and Emmett's upcoming date, the crew member finally came to escort her to the dark room. We squealed, hugged, and wished her good luck as her cheeks turned pink and she walked out of the suite, skimpy unmentionables hidden underneath her t-shirt and jeans.

/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/

*~*EPOV*~*

"Hey, donkey tits!" Emmett yelled as he strolled through the door. "I'm back!"

"Nice, Em," I replied, getting up from the couch and walking to the fridge. "Did you kiss Rose with that mouth?"

"I don't kiss and tell, bro."

"Bullshit," Jasper joined in, gathering the supplies for his date.

"I'm offended, Jazz," Emmett joked, plastering his features with fake shock. "I did have an amazing time, in case you were wondering."

"Details, ass-monkey," I prodded, patting his cheek a little harder than necessary, emphasizing each word.

"Fine, but only an overview," Emmett agreed, sitting in a chair at the table. "I get to save the best parts for my own use at an unspecified date and time, and you two can fill in the blanks as you see fit. Just don't fuck too much with my awesomeness."

Jasper and I rolled our eyes, but nodded and encouraged him to proceed.

"Well, I was in the room first because I wanted to make sure the massage table and accessories were to my liking. Just when I was turning on the table warmer, I heard the door knob click, and Rose announced herself. I reassured her that she wasn't alone, and I tried my best to gently guide her over to the fluffy chair in the corner of the room. After explaining to her that I have some massage therapy experience, she agreed to me giving her a rub down.

"I gave her the choice to leave her clothes on, but she insisted it would be easier for me if she stripped down. When she voiced this to me and I heard clothes hitting the floor, I couldn't be happier the room was pitch black. I was sporting some major wood by that point, and had a difficult time keeping track of making sure my mouth didn't get me into trouble.

"Throughout her massage, we talked about our careers, and she was ecstatic that we both had a passion for teaching children. I told her a little more about being the mascot, and she laughed at my subtle jokes. We were both very comfortable with each other, and I could've spent hours sharing my soul with her.

"By the end of the date, she complained of being wobbly from my mad massage skills, and I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek before sending her out the door."

I stared at Emmett, dumbfounded by his story. When I looked over at Jasper, his arm had stopped mid-air holding a bottle of wine, and his mouth was hanging open in surprise. He looked exactly like I felt. Neither of us knew how to react to what we'd just heard. Emmett had actually expressed having a connection with a woman… a real life, flesh and blood, walking and talking woman. He didn't share any inappropriate details, and kept the majority of their date to himself. He didn't even try to get in her pants.

It was a miracle.

"Uh oh," Emmett started, getting a terrified look on his face as he glanced between us. "Did I do something wrong? Shit! I fucked it up, didn't I?"

"No!" I returned, regaining my bearings. "No, Em. You did exactly everything right. I think we're just a little taken aback because you expressed true feelings for Rose. It's a huge step in the relationship department."

"Edward said it perfectly," Jasper added, placing the wine bottle on the counter. "We're proud of you, man. Congrats! You've graduated to big boy panties."

"Thanks, guys," Emmett beamed. "I really appreciate it. Does that mean you'll stop making fun of me for wearing tighty-whiteys now?"

"Nope," I laughed and popped him in the shoulder with my fist. "You will forever be shunned for your choice of undergarments."

"But they keep all my junk from bouncing around," he grabbed his crotch and shook it a bit. "There's too much to leave swinging in the breeze. I'd scare people if I didn't rein it in."

"I don't think you should be talking, either," interrupted Jasper, looking pointedly at me. "You wear make-up, dude. That's shun-worthy if you ask me."

Immediately going on the defensive, I said, "Hey… I only wear it to cover up blemishes."

They both chuckled loudly, and Jasper stated, "The fact that you just called pimples blemishes puts you two steps away from man-lovin', and that's inexcusable."

I shrugged his comments off, and we joked back and forth until Jasper had to leave for his date with Alice. He'd planned a romantic date, complete with wine, whipped cream, and chocolate. Alice was supposed to bring the fruit for dipping, and they were all set for their fun in the dark.

Jasper was out the door in the next ten minutes, and we watched as our foul mouthed friend was let loose on the fiery little Alice. I sent Jasper calming thoughts, and hoped he could share his disorder without fear of repercussions. Only time would tell if they could truly handle each other.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Well, we figured out the owners of the suitcases! Rose had the skimpy negligee and viber, Bella owned the erotic book, leaving Alice with the fancy bag and clothes. For the boys, Edward owned the make-up and V-neck shirts, Emmett owned the tighty-whiteys and the Fleshlight, leaving Jasper with the book on tantric sex. Good job to those who guessed correctly!**

**Also, don't shoot me for the cockblock. It was only fair since Edward had to suffer blue balls that Bella should feel his pain, so to speak. Now they're even.**

**Up next will be the results of Alice and Jasper's date as well as Edward and Bella's one on one time. If you have any suggestions for their dates, or what you might like to see in the future, let me know.**

**I know this is shorter than I normally post, but I had end of semester crap to deal with at work, and I leave on vacation this weekend, so I wanted to at least give my beautiful readers something to whet your palate until I had the time to write more. Thanks for hanging in there with me! I truly appreciate each and every one of my wonderful readers!**

**Loves,**

**M ;)**


	10. Hell yes!

**A/N: Hello, my lovelies! You will not get excuses from me for my tardy posting, but know that I am working on it. I do love you all to pieces and very much appreciate your continued support and encouraging words. So, big booty shakes for all the favorites, alerts, and reviews! I love them all!**

**Thanks to my beta and prereader: Sovereignvision and Twifan82**

**Thanks to my VBs: Jenny Cullen, Angel_eyes1_uk, and TwifanUK**

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. I own a new job for the new year. Back to floor nursing I go! ****© 2011 ****twicrack83**

* * *

><p>*~*EPOV*~*<p>

_Burp, burp, buuuuuurrrrpppp!_

"Emmett, knock it off!" I chastised, throwing a dirty look in his direction. "If you're gonna sit next to me while I watch TV, the least you could do is adhere to simple manners."

"'Better out than in,' I always say," Emmett returned, rubbing his belly and crumpling up the bag of chips he'd just devoured. "Either belching makes a presence, or his methane-producing cousin could rock this party. Your choice."

"Fine, but could you tone it down a little. You're gonna start triggering the seismographs."

Unfortunately, I knew Emmett's panty-poofs were less than appealing. I'd much rather deal with a couple of ground-rumbling burps than face the death-stench that rotted out his intestines. I swear the last time he forgot to Febreze after an episode in the bathroom, my nostril hairs were singed off and my eyes watered for a week. He'd been banned from eating White Castle sliders ever since.

Deciding it was time to get ready for my date with Bella, I got up from the couch and threw the remote at Emmett's head. He only screamed like a pansy for a second after contact, then he flipped me off, I chuckled, and we moved on.

I really wanted to impress Bella, but I wasn't exactly sure how to accomplish that feat, so I went for simple: snacks, drinks, and music from my iPod. A little on the cheesy side, but who doesn't like cheese? Plus, I may be able to coax her into a dance or two… an easy way to feel her body, and it's never a bad thing to be pressed up against a warm, willing, female frame.

Gathering all the supplies from the pantry and fridge, I stuck them in a bag and starting queuing up songs for the date. While I was tweaking my playlist, Jasper slammed the suite door open, defeat written all over his face, and stomped off to his room without saying anything to me or Emmett. I was so stunned by his entrance that I didn't move from my seat for a couple of seconds. Then Emmett broke the silence.

"Um, should we go in there?"

"I'm not sure," I replied, scratching my chin scruff. "He looked weird. I don't think I've ever seen him that… off."

Throwing caution to the wind, we strode down the hall towards Jasper's room. Emmett automatically went for the doorknob, but it was locked.

"Jazz. Bro, let us in," Emmett called, his voice bouncing off the walls.

"I'm not in the _m-m-motherfucking_ mood!" Jasper stuttered, voice straining, trying to hold in his attack. "Give me some space so I can calm _d-d-doodypecker_ down!"

Emmett turned to me, releasing the door knob, and sighed. I leaned my back up against the wall next to Jasper's door and let my head rest on it, too. We waited patiently for his outburst to subside and both noticed it took longer than usual to end. Something really crappy must have happened on his date. I hope Alice didn't break his heart.

"You can come in now," Jasper whispered as he opened his door several minutes later, then returned quickly to his bed where he collapsed on his stomach, firmly planting his face into his pillows.

"Wanna elaborate on what's got you so frazzled?" Emmett asked, taking the leap to get this conversation started. "You look like she told you your dick is gonna fall off."

Jasper rolled onto his back, keeping his eyes closed, and began telling us about his date.

"It was perfect at first. Alice appreciated the wine, we ate some fruit dipped in the chocolate and whipped cream, and we shared some things about our pasts. Everything seemed to be going great, so I took the opportunity to tell her about my Tourette's. She listened intently as I gave her all the details and I was really surprised when I didn't go into an attack. Alice was really sweet and held my hand, rubbing her thumb on the back of mine and she gave me a huge hug and a innocent kiss when I was done. She was very supportive, telling me she knew exactly what I was talking about."

He paused, took a deep breath, and started cracking his fingers. His shoulders started rolling and I knew he was staving off another attack, but he kept going with his explanation.

"That's when she told me about her… issue. She's been going through a debilitating disorder since high school. It affects her every day, much like my Tourette's, but hers is a million times more embarrassing. I had my arms wrapped around her shoulders while she described it to me, and I tried my best to be sympathetic as she cried, but when she told me what triggered the majority of her attacks, I lost my shit and scrambled for the door." Jasper sat up, pulled his knees to his chest and grabbed two fistfuls of his hair, as he rocked back and forth. He started sobbing and said, "I can't do that to her! I can't be the one to hurt her like that!"

Emmett glanced over to me with confusion lacing his features. Neither one of us was following Jasper's train of thought. He hadn't really come out and said what Alice's disorder was or how it was connected to him. All we could gather was something Jasper did triggered something that caused Alice pain… but why? How? It didn't make any sense.

"Jazz," I coaxed, going to sit on the bed next to him. I patted his shoulder and waited until he stopped rocking to clarify what happened. "I don't think we understand why you had to leave your date so abruptly. It seemed like you two were having another great date, and you obviously both felt comfortable enough to share your disorders, so why are you so torn up?"

"Her disorder is the thing she hates most about herself," Jasper yelled. "She despises everything that's associated with it. She can't live a normal life because of it, and I would only make her more miserable if I stayed around her, so I ran. I ran like a fucking coward, but I will not be the one to make her life a living hell."

"You're gonna have to give us more info, Jazz," prodded Emmett, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees. "What could be so bad that she's really that miserable? And how could you make that worse?"

"My disorder triggers hers," Jasper huffed, curling his legs underneath himself, eyes trained on the comforter. "I'd make her a mess because if I curse around her it makes her… she… ugh! I don't know if I should even tell you, but it's killing me inside."

"It sounds like telling us would do more good than bad at this point," I encouraged, looking to Emmett for reassurance. He nodded his head, so I continued, "I think Alice would understand. I'm also pretty sure she wouldn't have told you about her disorder if she thought she couldn't handle it. She must really like you to be so open about everything, and obviously doesn't think your Tourette's is a hindrance."

Jasper sighed heavily, mulling over the choices in his head, then spoke, "She has PGAD. Basically she's in a constant state of arousal, and if something triggers her, like swear words, she orgasms. It's uncontrollable and overwhelming. Nothing can stop it once it's started, and I'm her worst nightmare."

Thankfully, Jasper wasn't looking at Emmett because the look of pure excitement on his face was disheartening. I quickly threw Emmett a dirty look to knock it the fuck off, and he coughed to cover up a laugh as he excused himself from the conversation.

"Well, I don't believe that," I added, just Jasper and me left in the room. "If she thought you were that terrible, I think she would've bolted after hearing about your Tourette's. I bet you missed something she was going to say when you escaped."

By now, Jasper had calmed down and was breathing normally, although he still looked crushed. It was hard to stay in the room with him when he was like this. I was getting bummed just sitting in proximity to him, but he needed a buddy right now, and that's what I was there for.

He blinked a few times then said, "You think she'll still want to talk to me? I need to talk to her."

I shrugged. "My guess is she's hurt right now, but probably because you didn't stay long enough to hear her out, not because you got scared. Most likely, she's balling her eyes out just like you right now."

"Great. Now I'm the inconsiderate prick who made her cry."

"Yeah, but she knows you're wounded, too. You both shared monumental stories. I think you guys deserve a little break to process everything. I mean, shit, you aren't even officially a couple yet, and you're acting like your marriage is falling apart."

I nudged his shoulder with my own, and a small, half smile broke through his sadness. We discussed his current options, and agreed that sending an email would be the most feasible choice. Plus, it was probably the only thing he'd be allowed to do on this fuck-tarded show.

While Jasper collected his emotions and composed his email to Alice, I assembled the bag-o-goodies for my date with Bella. Excited, nervous, anxious. My stomach started twisting and turning, virtually saying, "Fuck you, dillweed. I hope this bitch is worth the stress, 'cus I'm dying in here."

Not that I never got nervous before a date, but this was worse than ever. I was getting all urpy, and the fire puke in the back of my throat was beyond annoying. Fighting back vomit, I said bye to the guys and made my way to the dark room. The closer I got, the more my anxiety peaked. But I was determined to make this date a success, so I swallowed my pride, took a deep breath and walked through the doors.

"Bella?"

/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/

*~*BPOV*~*

"Yep," I squeaked a little and cleared my throat, feeling self-conscious now that he was in the room. "Over here, Edward. Against the far wall. Just keep walking straight until… oof!"

"Oh, crap. I'm sorry," Edward apologized after running into my legs and smacking me in the head with something… a bag, maybe? He regained his balance and sat down next to me, jostling some items while he said, "Are you okay? Please tell me you're not bleeding."

"No, I'm not bleeding," I snickered, remembering his mishap with Rose. "I can take a hit. Hockey goalie, remember."

"Huh. Actually, I don't think that ever made it into the conversation during the group date."

"You know, I think you're right. All hell broke loose before we could get out any real information."

"But you're a hockey goalie. That's cool. Is it you're full-time career?"

"I wish, but no. It's mostly just local travel teams, but I got drafted for the US women's team for the next Olympics, so that's cool."

"Wow! That really is cool. So what do you do for a living then?"

"Ugh. I work at Home Depot. It's mindless, but it pays the bills. I hate that I'm one of only three women that work there. Old men are dirty. It's a shame their wives don't see them in action. They'd be appalled."

"That's terrible," Edward responded, but chuckled when he said it, losing all sincerity. "But you must be quite the looker if all these old men are willing to hit on you and risk their marriages."

"Shut it, tutu boy," I spat, effectively quieting his laughs. "You can't tell me old ladies don't wanna get on you, either. Hell, there's probably been a few old guys going after you, too."

"No comment," he quipped, but I could hear the smile in his voice. "And I don't wear tutus. Brightly colored spandex and the occasional unitard, yes, but I draw the line at tutus."

"Now that's terrible," I giggled, and decided now would be a perfect time to bring up the infamous high school story. "You would've thought you learned your lesson wearing figure revealing attire after your little testicular incident."

"Ah, we're going there now," he cleared his throat and repositioned himself on the couch. "Yeah, that year sucked, but it also taught me to follow my dreams no matter what other people thought. My dad wanted me to be a doctor, follow in his footsteps. I was more than ready to accept that fate, but I realized that wasn't me."

Edward scooted around again, and took a deep breath before adding, "I'd played lacrosse ever since I can remember, and I really wasn't very graceful on the field. My parents could tell it was bothering me, so they gave me options to increase my balance. Ballet was one of them, so I decided to give it a try."

"Ballet was your first choice?" I interjected. "What, were all the figure skating classes full?"

"Hey, now. Ice skating is for pansies, anyway," he returned, showing he had just the right amount of snarkiness to put up with me. I jabbed him in the side, and he continued, "Turns out, the ballet classes helped tremendously and became the one thing I looked forward to the most throughout my week. Mom and dad encouraged me, never once regretting giving me that option. So when I told them that's where my career path was leading, they accepted it easily and wholeheartedly supported my choice."

I swooned a little while he went through his story. How awesome his parents were, too, for standing by their son. And now I felt like a bitch for making such a big deal out of his pain.

"That's a sweet story," I commented, turning to face the direction of his voice. "I am sorry about making Emmett tell me your embarrassing moment. But it's good to know it all turned out good for you. Did you get a degree for dancing? Where have you travelled?"

"Oh, it's no big deal," he said, finding my hand in the dark, giving it a squeeze then intertwining our fingers. "I went to Juliard after a lot of heckling from Jasper and Emmett, but I've been to places they can only dream of. I've stepped foot on every continent except Antartica, and it's all paid for. Plus, I'm bendy."

I burst out laughing, but my insides got all floppy at the thought of a bendy Edward. I was still pretty sure he was the one I saw through the window the other day, and I was going to try and figure out if it truly was him. Maybe I could touch him…

"I brought us some wine and snacks if you're interested," Edward interrupted my thoughts. "Would you like me to pour you some?"

Graciously accepting his offerings, we rifled through the contents of his mystery bag, opening the snacks and sampling the contents. We chatted back and forth between bites and sips, occasionally chuckling at something the other person said. Then I felt Edward shift around and soft music started playing.

"Where is that coming from?" I asked, turning my head to locate its origin.

"I brought my iPod," Edward whispered in my ear, making me shiver involuntarily. "Not sure if it's against the rules or not, but I thought we could try some dancing. So… Bella, may I have this dance?"

He wrapped his arm around my waist, gently tugging me to stand up with him. How could I resist? I was on my way to finally figuring out if he was the "hot bod" gracing my dreams and he smelled really good, so it was a win for my olfactory sense, as well.

"You're not gonna body slam me and kick me in the stomach, are you?" I teased as we started to sway, making reference to his date with Rose.

Edward bristled in response. "Hey, now. I feel terrible about that, but you never know. I may have to shove you around and have my way with you."

Then it was my turn to tense up. His words were like butter, melting through me. My composure was slipping fast, so I did the only thing that felt normal. Word vomit to the rescue. "Um… uh… I think I've seen you naked?"

It came out like a question, and I wanted to face-palm before the words left my lips, but once the train starts rolling there's no turning back. Edward stopped swaying, but continued roaming his hands over my shoulders, back, hips, the curve of my ass. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Then he laughed.

"I know. Kinda figured you were the owner of the legs I saw getting hauled away by security on the balcony. Rose is too tall, and Alice just sounds tiny, so you were the only one left."

Edward finished with a hearty chuckle, and I pushed against his chest to get out of his embrace. He knew, and I sort of felt betrayed.

"You're a rotten piece of work, you know that?"

"What?" he snickered, his arms snatching my body and bringing me close to him as we began rocking to the music again. "Oh, come on. Besides, you started it. I simply confirmed your doubt."

Dammit! He was right, and I hated it. But now I knew he was definitely the lean, mean, buff bodied machine I'd seen through the window. And I was pressed up against his tall frame as we spoke.

"I guess I'll forgive you this time," I said and laid my head on his firm chest. "But you have to help me out." I waited until I felt his head nod, then continued, "Tell me what the fuck is up with Jasper?"

"You don't beat around the bush, do you?"

"Who said I had a bush?" I teased, and heard a muffled groan through his chest. Two could play at this game. "But really. Alice was all kinds of crazy when she got back from their date. It took us a long time to get her calmed down."

Listening intently, I waited as Edward explained Jasper's side of the story. Poor guy lost his mind, but for a valid reason. He couldn't stand the thought of hurting her, so he ran. It's kind of sweet in a backwards sort of way. Hurt her by leaving, but save her from even worse pain and embarrassment if he stays.

"That's what Rose and I figured happened," I chimed in when Edward was finished explaining. "Alice was beyond herself with grief. She kept saying she never had the chance to tell him everything."

"Well, when I was leaving Jazz was getting ready to send her an email apologizing for his momentary lapse in better judgment. But I'm sure he's looking for answers, too."

"Oh, I know she's more than ready to give him all the answers he wants. She wants him to know that he's actually been a huge relief to her, um, issues. He's been like an antidote for her disorder."

"Emm and I noticed the same thing with Jazz. He's usually so nervous in awkward situations, but he keeps telling us he's symptom-free when Alice is around."

"It's similar with Ali. When she has a Jasper-induced… symptom, it's so strong that she barely notices other episodes throughout the day. She's starting to feel 'normal,' as she put it."

Still dancing to a slow rhythm, we discussed how happy we were for our friends. Glad they were able to find someone on this suck-nut of a show. The only bad thing about talking about your friends on a date is you never get to know the other person and vice versa. But I wasn't necessarily ready for Edward to know much more about me. Unfortunately, I knew he was going to try and probe my history when we sat back down, so I decided to go for the safe stuff.

"Are you sure you want to know about my childhood?" I questioned, grabbing a mystery bag of snacks and finding my wine glass on the floor.

"Of course," Edward sighed, running his fingers through the hair resting on my back. "You know more about my upbringing than the majority of women I've gone out with for months. Spill, or I'll have to tickle it out of you."

"Hmm, death by tickles or… Hey!" I started laughing hysterically as he went for the kill. During his assault, I'd chucked my glass and food somewhere across the room to retaliate. We were a mess of flailing limbs and squeals of madness… that is, until I kicked him in the junk.

"Okay! Okay!" he squeaked, pushing me away. "I give up. You win. My testicles can't afford any more damage in this lifetime."

"_More_ damage? And… I'm so sorry. Will you survive?" I rubbed his back while he hunched over next to me.

"Well, yes. More damage. Don't tell me you've forgotten about my previous mishap already."

"No, I haven't," I huffed. "It's just that you didn't divulge any information about the epididymitis causing you problems. I'm concerned for your testicular health, especially since I kicked them back into your abdomen."

"Ain't that sweet?" he snickered, sitting upright again and placing his arm around my shoulders. "It's not something I normally tell women on a first date. In fact, I don't think I've ever told anyone other than Emmett and Jazz. It's rather personal." Edward mumbled under his breath and it sounded like he was rubbing his face with his free hand before he spoke. "The thing with that area of the body is all the parts are super small and super sensitive to injury. Basically what an infection of that magnitude means is there is a chance it could affect fertility. Now, mind you, I've never had it tested, so I could be fine or I could be shooting blanks. See, personal."

"Does that worry you?" My stomach started swirling around with concern. I was really liking this guy and he pretty much just told me he wasn't sure if he could procreate or not. And after what happened with Riley, I wanted nothing more than to be a mother… again. Stupid genital contaminating Emmett.

"Yeah, I guess it does a little. Does it worry you?"

"Well, you… I mean, we… This is nice."

Brain… mouth… meet gibberish.

"What?" he responded. My sentiments exactly.

I swallowed hard, trying to regain composure with little success. "This… what we're doing here, is nice. It's comfortable, you know? And I have some baggage and expectations that are screwing it up."

"Do you want to talk about it?" he pulled me closer and traced small circles on my upper arm while I rested my head on his shoulder. "And for the record, I think this is nice, too."

As awesome as Edward was being right now, there was no way I could spew all that drama on a TV show. I deflected again, silently shaking my head "no" and going in an entirely different direction.

"You wanted to know about my childhood, right?" I changed the subject easily, and snuggled further into his side. "Here's your one and only chance, buck-o. I'll even let you decide what age you'd like to hear about."

"Oooh, that sounds intriguing. What's the catch?"

"No catch. All you have to do is pick an age and I'll tell you all about it."

"All righty, then. I choose twelve years old."

"Not that one!" I groaned, feigning embarrassment, then poked him in the side gaining a chuckle. "Okay, twelve years old. Let's see. That was the year my parents lost the house. We'd moved into a little apartment complex close to our old subdivision so I could stay in my school district, and they had easy access to drugs."

"Wait a minute," Edward interrupted. "How much back story am I missing by choosing this year? It sounds like I'm gonna get lost."

"You can probably fill in the pieces on your own. My parents weren't the best role models." I was sugar-coating it, but if he didn't run away screaming after this story, I know he'd be a keeper. "Anyway, our apartment complex wasn't far from where my Gran lived, so she would come over often to check on me and make sure my mom and dad hadn't left me for dead. I loved it when she visited because she brought over these amazing ingredients, and we'd spend our time acting like we were on a cooking show. We actually made some good stuff, but then she started coming over less and less by the end of that year. It wasn't until I did some reconnaissance work that I found out why."

"Reconnaissance work at twelve?"

"Shhh. You wanna hear this or not?"

He kept quiet so I took that as a yes. "After we first moved in, I noticed there was an older gentleman who lived in the apartment next to ours. He didn't come out a lot and I thought it was simply because he could only get around in a wheelchair. Boy, was I wrong.

"His name was William, but everyone that knew him well called him Billy. I think he had a son in college at the time. He would come by and bring Billy food or take him to the store. Jake was his name, I think.

"Anywho, I realized Billy had several female friends that also frequented him on a regular basis. At first I thought they were in-home nurses coming to check up on him, but that didn't fit since they never wore scrubs and left looking disheveled.

"Oh, no," Edward froze, sensing what was coming.

"Oh, yes. Poor, little old Billy Black, who I never saw out of his motorized wheelchair, was man-whoring out of his apartment. Apparently he was very good at what he did and had accumulated quite the clientele over the years. I tried counting all of his customers, but stopped when I couldn't tell the difference of one hoochie mama from the next."

Edward shivered in disgust. "Well, I suppose he never lost _that_ function."

"Nope, and the ladies appreciated it so much that I got to hear a play-by-play on a nightly basis. It didn't bother me too much since I could easily tune it out by listening to music or watching TV, but one night I heard him moaning, 'Marie! Marie!' and I flipped out.

"I ran to our front door and stared out of the peephole waiting until Billy's nighttime conquest graced me with her presence. Fortunately, I didn't have to wait long, and who else walked out of his apartment wearing a trench coat synched tightly at the waist but my Gran."

It was my turn to groan and cover my face. Edward was guffawing loudly next to me, and I joined him soon after.

"Wow, that's horrible, Bella," Edward coughed out between laughs.

"I know, but it's freaking hilarious, too. Who knew my Gran was sexually frustrated enough to seek out a gigolo."

That made Edward laugh even harder, and his movements were shaking my body to the tune of "oooh la la." We both settled down after a couple of minutes, and I was feeling light-hearted from being able to share bits of my life with Edward. He was a great listener and also seemed willing to reveal his past, which made me trust him. It was a relief to be able to trust someone other than Alice and Rose.

While I was contemplating what to talk about next, Edward ran his free hand slowly up my arm, across my collar bone, and captured my chin between his fingers. He tilted my head up and I could feel his short, fast breaths on my lips. I held my own breath, not sure if I should act, but then his mouth captured mine, and all the nervousness I felt before disappeared.

I leaned into the kiss, reveling in the feel of the softness of his lips against mine. We angled our bodies toward each other and our hands started wandering, discovering the contours of the person in front of us. Our touches were chaste, simply testing the waters.

Sliding my hands up his arms, I felt his muscles tense and flex from my movements. Continuing upwards, I wound my fingers in his hair, tugging slightly, and elicited a low growl from Edward. He automatically wrapped his arms around my back, bringing me closer and nipping at my bottom lip with his teeth.

I gasped in response, his act causing a tremble to race through my body, settling between my thighs. Gripping his hair tighter, I darted my tongue out, tasting the wine from earlier mixed with the minty fresh coolness that was Edward. He met my tongue with his own, and I moaned at the contact, wishing I could get even closer to his body.

Setting a sensual rhythm, we began exploring more of each other. Edward swept his hands down to my waist, gently tugging my shirt up and savoring the sliver of skin he found at my lower back. I allowed my hands to travel of their own accord and found myself tracing his abdominals through his shirt.

Just as I was about the slip my fingers under the fabric, we were interrupted by a voice through a speaker.

"Okay, you two. Show's over."

"Fuck," Edward whispered, pulling away from our kiss.

We were both panting, still hanging on each other, our foreheads resting together. Neither of us wanted to move, and my judgment was clouding over the more I focused on Edward's fingers creeping back underneath my shirt.

"Bella, you will leave first," the raspy voice announced overhead.

"Shit," I swore, taking deep breaths to clear my head. Edward was very close, and his scent was intoxicating. "Tell me you want to see me."

"Hell yes," Edward declared softly enough for only me to hear.

I nodded, smiling even though he couldn't tell, and I kissed him one last time before heading out the door.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So there you have it. Jasper and Alice are okay, folks. I promise that drama is deader than… well, something dead. And how about Eddie-boy and Bella-boo? Great first date if I do say so myself. Let me know your thoughts. I love reading them!**

**Also, big titty-grabs to Nicoconsd for allowing me poetic license of her RL next door neighbor. That bitch be crazy! Mwah, sweets!**

**Thanks again for hanging in there with me. Until next time…**

**Loves and snugs,**

**M ;)**


	11. Reveal yourself!

**A/N: Hello, my lovelies! So glad you're all still hanging in there with me. I also got some new readers, so welcome aboard my crazy-plane. We'll be experiencing some turbulence, so hang on tight! As always, thanks so much for all of the reviews/alert/favorites! They make me gigglesnort!**

**Speaking of which, please read the A/N below for some awesome info!**

**Thanks to my beta and prereader: Sovereignvision and Twifan82**

**Thanks to my VBs: Jenny Cullen, Angel_eyes1_uk, and JoJoWrites**

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. I own a hectic life. What's new? ****© 2011 ****twicrack83**

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><p>*~*EPOV*~*<p>

The morning after pill. Not a phrase most men think about, but a certain part of my genitalia was in a state of unrest, and I would have been grateful for something to calm the fucker down. Let's just say I felt sorry for whoever had to change my sheets today. They'll be lucky if they don't break in half after my midnight splooge-fest.

Unfortunately, my hormones and unconscious state let my mind run rampant, and my dreams worked in over-drive to produce a nocturnal emission that would shame Ron Jeremy. I guess I just needed to start thinking about gross things, like Emmett in a Speedo. Yep, that seems to be working. I'll go with that.

After my date with Bella, I was tightly wound… in a good way. I was telling the truth when I said I wanted to see her, but my body wanted it to be now instead of having to wait around for the powers that be to hook us up in a blacked out room again. All I had to do was make it through today and we'd finally be revealed to each other.

But thinking about that just made me nervous. My body was a ball of anxiety and horniness. One second I wanted to curl into the fetal position, and the next I felt like I could shoot a hole through the wall with my sperm. Not really a super hero quality you hear of on a regular basis.

"We have to send in our requests this morning," Jasper interrupted my thoughts, sitting down at the table, bowl of cereal in hand. "You're gonna choose Bella, right?"

"Definitely," I replied, looking up from the newspaper I really wasn't reading. "I don't think I've ever been this anxious about seeing anyone. Maybe I'll feel better when the producer shows us our compatibility scores. But after the date we had last night, I can't imagine we aren't strongly matched."

"Oh, that's right," Emmett added, joining us for breakfast. "We took those crazy tests, and I guess the girls did, too. I don't think any of us have anything to worry about. These girls seem good for us."

Jasper rolled his eyes and shook his head, taking a huge bite of his cereal. I simply smiled, knowing Emmett was more than right. It was just weird hearing those words coming from his man-whoring mouth.

The rest of breakfast was spent in relative silence, each of us stuck in our own worlds, musing over the possibilities of actually starting relationships with women we'd never seen. It was a weird prospect to accept, but I'm sure none of us would have it any other way.

"I think it's time, guys," announced Emmett, plopping down on the couch directly across from the TV. "Let's see how we match up."

We all smooshed together on the sofa, eagerly waiting for our scores to pop up on the screen. Jasper's name showed up first, and I heard him suck in a breath and hold it.

"_Jasper," pause, "Alice," pause, "97%."_

"Woot!" yelled Emmett, giving Jasper a high five. "Way to go, bro!"

Jasper exhaled in a woosh, and got a dreamy, far-away look on his face. Next, Emmett's name flashed on the screen, and he leaned forward, bouncing his leg in anticipation.

"_Emmett," pause, "Rosalie," pause, "93%."_

"Not too shabby, Em," I congratulated him, giving him a manly pat on the back.

"Fuck yeah!" he responded with a goofy smile, and relaxed back against the couch.

Then it was my turn. I had the same reaction as Jasper, and held my breath, clasping my hands tightly together, while my score bounced across the TV.

"_Edward," pause, "Isabella," pause, "94%."_

My fingers relaxed, blood rushing into the flesh, causing a tingling sensation. I felt a small smile spread across my face, and Emmett quickly offered to fist-bump, which I accepted with vigor.

We finished congratulating each other on our successful matches, and scrambled to the computer to email the girls and request them to meet us for the reveals. Getting scores that high must have been some sort of record for this show, but none of us were complaining. We were thrilled with how well we paired with our girls, and couldn't wait to see the goods. Of course, anything at this point was an uber-bonus, so visualizing their bodies was just icing on the proverbial cake.

While we were razzing each other on what to write to the girls, there was a knock at the door. "Come in," we yelled in tandem, not turning from our current task.

"Whatever you pricks have planned, it's not gonna fly on my show!" Aro screamed, bounding through our door with a speed I didn't know elephants could reach.

"You must be mistaken," started Jasper, turning and standing at full height. He was easily a foot and a half taller than that fat bastard, and Aro stopped dead in his tracks when Emmett and I stood to defend Jasper, all crossing our arms menacingly. "I'm sorry, sir, but we have absolutely no clue what you're talking about."

Aro cowered slightly, but tried to regain his composure while sputtering, "Uh, well, I have it on good authority that you three are planning to ruin the reveals tonight."

"And who the hell told you that?" Emmett asked, shaking his head.

"I'm unable to disclose my source," Aro returned and stuck his pointy little nose up in the air, trying to gain height.

"Pfft, that's rich," I added, rolling my eyes for emphasis. "Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but we have no intentions of damaging your precious show. You're doing a fine enough job of it yourself. We just want to get it over with so we can take our girls out on a date."

"How are you so sure they'll even want you after actually seeing you?" Aro backpedaled, looking more scared every second.

Emmett let out a huge guffaw, and Jasper and I followed suit. I mean, had he seen us? What girl would turn us down? The very idea was blasphemous.

"You are seriously one very deluded piece of shit, you know that?" interjected Emmett with a playful smirk on his face.

Uh oh. This was gonna be good.

"First of all," Emmett continued, stepping forward, coming within arm's reach of Aro and towering over his chubby frame, "I don't know who your source is, but that twat-waffle can suck my sweaty, hairy balls for planting that idea in your head. Secondly, screw you for believing said idea, barging in here to rip us new ones, and not finding out if it was true in the first place. And last but not least," Emmett leaned down, his nose mere inches away from Aro's now panicked face, "You smell like my grandmother's foot cream, stale urine, and feces-riddled monkey ass."

Emmett snapped back to full height and shoed Aro away with his hands while he said, "Fuck off. Oh, and have a lovely day."

By then, Jasper and I were crying from laughing so hard. We watched as Aro changed about eight different colors before settling on a nice purple hue which resembled Violet Beauregarde from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. He obviously didn't have anything else worthwhile to say, so he turned around and stormed out of our suite, flipping us off as he left.

Where did this guy come from? Why did he think he could accuse us of trying to wreck his show with no other knowledge than hearsay? And what would make him think we'd be capable of something that atrocious anyway? Well, aside from me threatening him on the first day, but that's neither here nor there.

We went about our business, finishing up our emails and preparing for the reveals, but I couldn't dismiss the nagging feeling that something wasn't right. After Aro's impromptu visit, I had a knot in the pit of my stomach that resembled something close to impending doom rather than my earlier nervousness. I tried distracting myself with TV, magazines, or the internet, but nothing seemed to shake the weird feeling. Eventually, I gave up, and decided I was just more nervous than I'd ever been before. I'd just have to suck it up and deal.

On a brighter note, it was time for Emmett to go see Rose for the first time. He was… jittery and really getting on my nerves.

"Do I look okay? Is there stuff in my teeth? I don't have pit stains, do I? Oh, man. I hope I don't fart when I'm in there. I always get gassy when I'm nervous."

He rambled on like this for fifteen minutes before Jasper and I practically kicked him out the door. For Rose's sake, I hoped he didn't fart in there either. Poor girl wouldn't know what hit her.

/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/

Twenty minutes later, Emmett came back from his reveal. When he walked through the door I barely recognized him. I do believe the best way to describe the look on his face would be stunned. As he moved around the suite, Jasper and I waited eagerly for him to say something while we watched him from the couch.

Without making a sound, he made his way to the fridge, pulled out a beer and chugged half of it before slamming it on the counter with a resounding thud. His face was looking down toward the floor, so I couldn't quite make out his expression. I could sense Jasper getting worried, and he started tapping his fingers on his knees before he quietly asked Emmett about Rose.

"Um, tell us about her, Em. You're freaking us out, bro."

Emmett slowly raised his head to look at us, his jaw slack and eyes wide. "I mean, she… and then I… and her… Argh!" He was flailing his arms, using hand gestures to convey his thoughts, and he sort of looked like a drowning cat.

"Whoa! Em, slow down," I interrupted his stammering, and stood from the couch to join him at the counter. "First, breathe." He took a deep breath and steadied himself on the counter. "Good. Now, tell us about Rose. Was she what you expected?"

"Better. Much better. Amazing. Spectacular. Radiant. Incredible. And her boobs," he cupped his hands out from his chest, mimicking the size, and groaned as he dropped his arms to his sides. "She's way out of my league, guys. No way she'll want to meet me in the light of day."

"Okay, start over," Jasper said, meeting us in the kitchen. "You were both in the black room, just waiting for the light to shine on one of you at a time. So, who saw who first?"

"Rose saw me first," Emmett answered, clearly confused. "But what does that have to do with anything?"

"What was her expression when she saw you?" Jasper continued fishing for information.

"She looked shy and was smiling. The best blush crept onto her cheeks and she did a cute little wave before the light went out. But then… oh, man," he ran his hands over his face and mumbled, "she ripped the loudest fart I'd ever heard. Really… it put mine to shame. I heard her say a quick, 'excuse me,' and then she started giggling, so I joined her. It never smelled though, and I quipped that I was glad it wasn't me, but she never replied. Ugh, I never should've laughed."

His head dropped into his hands again, and he shook his head. Jasper and I gave him a pat on the back, and tried our best to console him through our laughter.

"Em, I don't think you have anything to worry about," I reassured, choking on my chuckle when he gave me the evil look of death. "It sounds like Rose has the same gastrointestinal constitution as you. At least she laughed about it."

"Yeah, Edward's right," Jasper added, failing miserably at hiding his smile. "Sounds to me like she's got a good sense of humor… and bowels of steel, too!"

Emmett slugged Jasper in the shoulder and glared at both of us as we squealed like little girls. It was an interesting change of events, us being able to harass Emmett about his choice of girl. We really did like Rose, though. It was just too easy to pick on the love-struck dork.

"It'll all work out, Em," I encouraged as I followed him down the hall toward his room. "You just need to grow a pair and meet her on the balcony tonight. She'll be there, man."

He nodded and sighed, "I hope so, 'cuz I really want to know more about her." He turned to Jasper standing further down the hall, leaning against the wall. "Hey, Jazz. Good luck. You're up next."

With that, he walked into his room and shut the door. I shrugged and watched at Jasper went from confident to panicked in a split second.

"Calm down, Jazz. I already told you Alice isn't mad at you for ditching her. Besides, you're not obligated to talk to her at all this time. Just go in, put on your best 'I'm a stud' face, and bring us back news of her hotness."

"Right." Jasper calmed slightly, clenching and unclenching his fists, rolling his neck to relieve tension. "No talking, 'stud face,' and hotness. Got it."

/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/

I bummed around the suite for awhile, waiting for Jasper to return and Emmett to come out of hiding. Two sodas, a bag of chips, and an apple later, Emmett emerged, seemingly free of his prior sullen stupor.

"What's up, chicken butt?" he boomed, and smacked the back of my head before settling on the couch next to me. "Are you ready for your turn, Edward?"

"Yep," I returned, rubbing my sore head. "I can't wait to finally see Bella. Hopefully it will go as well as yours."

He snorted and shook his head. "You wish, bro. No one could top that awesomeness."

Then Jasper came through the door, shaking and as pale as a ghost… or those glittering, pansy vampires.

"You need a minute, Jazz?" Emmett asked, having the decency to appear concerned. "Think happy thoughts, dude."

"Happy thoughts are the l-l-last thing I n-n-need," he stuttered, and bolted for his room. "What I need is to _c-c-cooter tooter_… calm down."

The door to his room banged shut, and Emmett and I ran to the down the hall.

"Jazz, let us in!" I yelled, futilely wiggling the locked knob. "Tell us what happened."

"You guys really don't want to see this," Jasper groaned, and I heard the distinct sound of a zipper and pants hitting the floor. "Ooooh, f-f-fuck!"

"Is he doing what I think he's doing?" I questioned, knowing I probably didn't want the true answer.

"If you mean 'shakin' his bacon' then I think you're right," Emmett responded, backing away from the door.

"S-s-shit!"

"Uh, well, in that case, maybe we should give him a few minutes," I countered and followed Emmett into the kitchen. We could still hear Jasper pumpin' his piston, so we opted for waiting outside of the suite. While we let Jasper finish, one of the crew members walked toward us with a confused look on his face.

"Hey, you're supposed to be in the dark room for your reveal, Edward," said the gangly crew member. "They're taping now."

"What? No one came for me." My anxiety spiked and I looked to Emmett for direction.

"You better go, Edward," Emmett pushed, giving me a reassuring smile. "Don't wanna miss Bella, man."

I nodded and ran for the dark room. Now I was the one worrying about pit stains for my reveal, but I hoped Bella would understand I was just so excited to see her. When I reached the side of the mansion with the dark room, I darted for the door… and slammed my face right into it.

"Ouch! Fucking hell that hurt!" I screamed and rubbed my forehead. "Why the fuck is the door locked?"

I jiggled the door knob again, wondering what was going on. "Hello? It's Edward. I'm here for my reveal with Bella."

Silence. I rested my ear on the door, listening for movement within, and that's when I heard Bella scream.

"Riley? You motherfucker!"

* * *

><p><strong> AN: ::ducks and hides from thrown sewage:: Don't worry. Bella can more than handle herself. Riley's got what's coming to him, and we'll find out what's up with him and his history with Bella. I'd love to hear your theories! Also, more on Jasper and Alice's reveal. What could have possibly happened to elicit his masturbatory response? ::snort:: And you can blame the fart jokes on my husband. He requested intestinal humor with a nod to the TV show News Radio, but I couldn't go that far with Rose. So, I'll put it here instead. Enjoy!**

"_Yeah, Edward's right," Jasper added, failing miserably at hiding his smile. "Sounds to me like she's got a good sense of humor… and __monkey strong bowels that are girded with strength like the loins of a dragon ribboned with fat and the opulence of buffalo... dung."_

** I'm up for AUTHOR OF THE MONTH for April at Gigglesnortfiles. If you're so inclined, I'd love to have your support! Please vote for me at gigglesnort (dot) net**

** I also entered the Truly Anonymous Twilight Contest with an original O/S. Please go read and vote for your 3 favorite AH and 3 favorite AU stories. Voting open until March 15th! ficcontest (dot) info (/)**

** _Dating in the Dark_ was the featured story on You Write What? They also did a fan-tabulous review, so please check it out! Bloggingfanfiction (dot) blogspot (dot) com**

** And a big, enormous thank you to Jenrar for pimping out DitD in her fic, _Full Circle_. If you're not reading this, you're missing out! It takes place post New Moon and Edward returns to a newly turned vamp-Bella. Good stuff! Check it out! fanfiction (dot) net (/) s (/) 7731747 (/) 1 (/) Full_Circle**

** Until next time! Loves and snugs!**

** ;) M**


	12. Let there be light!

**A/N: *peeks out from under a rock* Hi! Remember me? My name is Twicrack83 and I'm the author of this craziness. Apparently, I've been hiding under a rock and have finally decided to grace you with my presence again. I'm very grateful for those of you who've stuck out the wait, but if you flounced this burning ship, I don't blame you. Thank you, though, to all those followers who're still with me! Love you all to itty-bitty pieces!**

**Thanks to my beta and prereader: Sovereignvision and Twifan82**

**Thanks to my VBs: Jenny Cullen and JoJoWrites**

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. I own… ah, who cares? On with the show! ****© 2011 ****twicrack83**

* * *

><p>*~*BPOV*~*<p>

"I literally want to bury my head under eighty million layer_th_ of crap, then drown in my own vomit, and then die," Rose mumbled, her head buried firmly under three pillows, laying stomach down on her bed.

"Oh, Rose," Alice started, sitting on the bed next to Rose with me on the opposite side. "I bet it wasn't that bad."

"Really? Really? You don't think blowing out the eardrum_th_ of an incredibly hot, potential boyfriend with a _th_onic boom fart i_th_ that bad?"

"Yikes!" I said, playing absentmindedly with Rose's hair. "That's what happened? Something tells me Emmett probably didn't care, though."

"He laughed at me, Bella," Rose sobbed, throwing off the pillows and glaring at me. "I wa_th_ nervou_th_ about finally _th_eeing him. You know how I get when I'm nervou_th_, and my colon betrayed me!"

Alice and I couldn't contain our giggles, gaining more glares from Rose.

"Rose, hun, farts are funny," Alice added. "I'm sure you laughed, too."

Rose nodded slightly. "Yeah, I did. But I wa_th_ mortified with my_th_elf and didn't wait to hear him out. I ran for the door while he _th_aid _th_omething about 'glad it wa_th_n't me.'"

"Sweetie," I swallowed my laugh and mustered the best serious face I could manage. "I'm sure Emmett still wants to meet you. I mean, let's face it; you've got a hot body with killer tits and legs that go for miles, plus radiant skin and long, flowing blonde hair. And I think I remember something about an awesome back rub he gave you, and the fact that you felt his raging boner rub against your thigh."

"This is true," added Alice, nodding furiously and having the decency to look concerned again. "A boner guarantees he likes you, and he hadn't even seen you then."

Rose rolled her eyes dramatically, but couldn't keep the smile from creeping back onto her face. She sighed heavily and thanked us for brightening her mood then gave Alice a hug before sending her off to meet Jasper.

Alice skipped out of the suite with a nervous smile on her face, but reassured us that she could control herself for the duration of the reveal. Rose and I gave her reassuring smiles and watched as she shut the door behind her, heading to meet the man of her dreams.

/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/

The seconds seemed to be crawling by as we waited for Alice to return. Nervousness and anxiety never did suit me well. I paced… a lot. And when I paced, I chewed on my nails. Every time I started biting on my nails, Rose gave me a dirty look and I'd bashfully duck my head and put my hands behind my back.

Although I'd like to say my anxiety was related to making sure Alice's reveal went well, I truly couldn't focus on her and Jasper. No offense to them. I'd just been stressing over finally seeing Edward and having him see me that it consumed my thoughts. My poor nails were never going to grow back at this rate.

Just as Rose was about to make me sit down and put my hands under my legs to keep from butchering my manicure, Alice slumped through the front door. Her cheeks were flushed and she had a slight sheen of sweat gathering on her forehead. She also looked tired and embarrassed, which could only mean one thing… her body deceived her and Jasper got a full-on show in the dark room.

"Oh, no," Rose gasped, walking towards Alice like she was a scared puppy.

"Oh, yes," Alice quipped, a wry smile on her face which quickly turned to a frown. "I think I need a drink."

I raced to the kitchen for the liquor bottles while Rose helped Alice over to the couch to sit. Mister Daniels, Captain Morgan, and one Grey Goose made the trek across the sitting area with me, and I hastily poured a shot of each, not sure which Alice would prefer at the moment. She quickly slammed back the Goose, and puckered her lips right before coughing from the after-burn.

"Ugh! Man, that's awful!" she sputtered, setting the glass on the table. "Pour me another."

Rose glanced at me out of the corners of her eyes and I shrugged my shoulders, filling up the shot glass one more time.

Sliding the glass over to her, I said, "This is all you get, Ali, until you tell us what happened in there." Then I whispered to myself, "You'll be plastered before this hits your stomach and anymore would make your light-weight ass comatose."

"Fine," she groaned, throwing back the shot with much the same reaction as before, but this time she flicked the shot glass out of her fingers and it flew through the air, shattering on the floor ten feet away. "You wanna know what happened. I'll tell you what happened."

Uh, oh. Here comes rambling Alice.

"So, they get us into the room, right, and I can hear Jasper standing across from me, okay, and he's, like, breathing really loud, and I think he's hyperventilating or something, and then we hear the producer over the speakers counting down, and he's all like, 'three, two, one,' then the light shines on Jasper, right, and it caught him off guard, okay, so he curses, but just barely loud enough for me to hear, but I do, and I'm all like, 'oh no,' and, 'here it comes,' and there's nothing I can do to stop it, so I close my eyes and start panting and moaning and stuff, and before I know it, the light's shining on me and I have one hand massaging my nipple through my shirt, and the other, like, in my panties doing stuff, and I'm all grinding on my fingers, and that's when I hear Jasper bolt for the door and the producer yell something about, 'this isn't a porno,' or some crap like that." Alice paused and took her first breath since beginning her rant then finished quietly, "So, that's when I came back here."

She slouched into the couch, resting her head back, and stared at the ceiling, while Rose and I collected our thoughts about her reveal. Alice spoke so quickly that it took us a few seconds to realize she'd not only had an attack in front of Jasper again, but this time she was bathed in light and caught mid masturbation. Jasper and everyone in the control room got an eyeful of her double clicking her mouse.

"Um, okay…" Rose huffed, contorting her face while she thought of how to fix this situation. "Did you hear anything from him during the reveal?"

"Other than the curse word… no. I was so lost in my own world that I barely heard him slam the door on his way out. I was finally coming down from the orgasm when I heard the producer screaming at me to return to the suite. Jasper probably bailed because he knows he can't handle my issue. He'll be better off without my drama, anyway."

"I'm sure it's not as bad as you're thinking, Ali," I joined, scooting closer to her on the couch and resting my hand on her knee. "Maybe Jasper was overwhelmed, too, and had to relieve himself. He did watch you enjoying yourself. That's very powerful foreplay, babe. You probably just gave him the best show of his life, and he left to take care of his… issue."

Alice closed her eyes and Rose curled a loose strand of hair around her ear while saying, "I agree with Bella. From what you've told us, I know that boy ha_th_ it bad for you, babe."

With a sigh, Alice opened her eyes and gently smiled at Rose and me. "Yeah, you guys are probably right. The only way to tell is to meet him on the balcony later."

"That's the spirit!" I laughed, and we all hugged until Alice proclaimed she had to pee and catch a booze nap after her two shots.

Shortly after taking a slightly wobbly Alice to her room, a crew member escorted me to the dark room. I should have known something was up the second that dill-hole showed up at the door, but I was too nervous to notice anything but my heart trying to leap out of my throat.

The crew member fidgeted with his pen and notepad the entire way to the dark room, and tried unsuccessfully to make light-hearted banter as we walked. I was almost to the point of threatening to give his danglers to some dogs when we finally reached the dark room and he led me inside.

"Miss Swan," I heard a gravelly voice reverberate in the darkness… Aro, the producer. "Please stay standing in your current location for the duration of the take. No talking will be allowed. A light will shine on both you and Edward, at separate times, and you will be asked to leave after taping is completed. Also, no self-pleasure of any kind is permitted during the take. Any questions, my dear?"

I grumbled a less than enthusiastic "no," flipped him off for the jab at Alice's misery, and patiently waited in the darkness until I heard the door open again. My heart started beating frantically and I was sure my new dark room companion could hear it beating through my chest. I felt a flush creep into my cheeks, and I hoped I wasn't the only nervous person in this cage of darkness.

Not a minute later, Aro's voice screeched through the speakers that taping had begun. Shortly thereafter, I was blinded by a spot light positioned directly above me, but quickly remembered Edward, or who I thought was Edward, was getting his first glimpse of me since this craziness started. All I could do was smile into the glaring light and hope I didn't look like a lunatic.

Finally, the light went off and I let out the breath I'd been holding. At least that part was over. Now all I had to do was bask in the glory that was Edward, and hopefully, all of his hotness. Unfortunately, when the light came on across from me, I was momentarily stunned by the person who was standing there. Short, plump, smirking, and balding. That couldn't be…

"Riley? You motherfucker!"

The words were out of my mouth before I knew what I was saying, and I was flying across the room ready to rip his smug smile off of his pimple-riddled face. Thankfully, my portion of the room was still dark, so I had the element of surprise on my side, and he didn't have time to escape the wrath I'd stored up for this exact moment.

Barreling into his body with full speed, I dropped my shoulder just before impact, landing a direct blow to his sternum. I knocked the wind out him before he knew what was going on and he slammed into the wall behind him, slumping to the floor at my feet, clutching his chest and gasping.

"You bitch!" he coughed, rubbing the sore spot on his chest. Good. He'd have a nice bruise. "What the fuck was that for?"

Too angry for words, I grabbed a handful of his thinning hair and yanked his head back so he could watch in terror as my fist flew through the air and made contact with his nose. A satisfying crunch rang through the room and blood immediately trickled from his nostrils. But I wasn't close to being finished, so I kept delivering punch after punch to his face until I was pulled off of Riley's cowering frame by strong arms.

***~*EPOV*~***

"Whoa there, Bella," I yelled into Bella's ear, seemingly bringing her out of a rage induced stupor while encasing her in my arms and against my chest. "I think he's had enough."

"That bastard will never have enough!" she spat, kicking into the air, trying futilely to make contact with Riley still on the floor as I backed away.

"Save it for someone who cares," Riley whispered, but not quiet enough for her to miss.

"That's it!" she screamed, and broke free of my grasp, flinging herself at him on the floor. "You have no right to tell me what to do!" She was in Riley's face again, but this time she landed a round house kick to his ribs. After hearing a grunt of pain, Bella leaned down until she was eye level with Riley, and seethed, "I don't expect you to ever understand what I went through. Your brain is too small to comprehend the wealth of pain and sorrow I endured at your expense. All you'll ever be is the coward that couldn't handle it."

Spitting in his face, Bella backed up quickly and ran her fingers roughly through her hair. By now the lights were on and crew members had us surrounded in the room, but no one was ready to step between those two. Aro even came to watch, but he was too calm for my liking.

Grabbing Bella by the wrist, I pulled her back toward me and wiped some tears from her cheeks. She seemed surprised at the gesture, almost like she didn't know she'd been crying. But instead of looking up at me, she lowered her face in shame and played with the hem of her shirt. Now I was the one who was pissed off because Riley made Bella cry, so I decided to step in.

Positioning myself protectively between Riley and Bella, I asked, "Who the fuck are you, why the fuck are you ruining my date, and what the fuck did you do to Bella?"

"That's none of your business, cocksucker," Riley replied as he attempted to get up from the floor with little success. He quickly rethought the movement with another grunt, and clutched his ribs while staying planted on the floor.

"I beg to differ, prick. You're the one who's uninvited here, so we deserve an explanation. I'll make it easy for you. Why don't you start with how you got here?"

Reluctantly, Riley raised his head granting us sight of his newly broken nose, black eye, and swollen bottom lip. Way to go, Bella! He took a shaky breath and started, "I've been trying to get in contact with Bella for awhile now. I wanted to apologize for what happened, but she's been impossible to find, so I enlisted the help of my relatives around the country. My uncle tipped me off that Bella would be on this show, and I had to see her."

I snuck a glance at Bella and noticed her hands were clenched so tightly her knuckles were white and her face was verging on fire truck red. This dick was lying through his teeth and he was getting on my nerves with his evasiveness.

"You're a real dumbass if you think I'd believe that load of shit," I responded, taking a step closer to Riley, sizing up his puny ass in case I needed to intervene. "You _will_ tell me the truth, unless your balls want to meet my shoe."

He cowered slightly, but kept his arrogant smile on his rapidly swelling face. "All right. Fine. I have wanted to see Bella. That part's the truth, but I've only just started looking for her. My Uncle Aro thought this show could use some better ratings and decided using me would be a good twist to the plot." Riley then turned his head so he was facing Bella, and added, "I just wanted to get in your sweet pants again."

Bella and I both flew at Riley, but between each of us scrambling for a place to hit and the crew members finally stepping in, neither one of us was able to land a good punch.

After being pulled away from the lump of trash on the floor that was Riley, I broke free of my human shackles and rescued Bella from hers as well. I stood there holding her until she stopped shaking and kissed her gently on the top of her head to let her know I was ready to kill this monster for whatever he'd done.

Then Bella took a deep breath and turned to look over at Riley, who'd finally managed to stand up. "Care to tell us all the truth and spare yourself more embarrassment? Either way, this is going to end badly for you, so I'd get it over with if I was you."

Leaning weakly against the wall behind him, Riley glanced around the room. He was met with twenty pairs of curious eyes, and two pairs ready to rip him a new one.

If Bella's look could kill…

"Fuck it," Riley gulped and sighed, "Bella and I met at a frat party in college. It was right after her hockey team won the national championship. Everyone was wasted… drugs may have been available as well, and," he shrugged his shoulders and winked at Bella, "we hooked up. End of story."

"You lying sack of shit!" Bella screamed and lunged at Riley. Thankfully, I had a good grip around her middle so she didn't get very far, but at least Riley had the decency to look scared shitless for a split second. "You know that's not what happened!"

"Then why don't you enlighten the room, sweetcheeks," Riley glowered and Bella stiffened, "because apparently I'm doing a piss-poor job of retelling the events of that night."

"You knew I liked you, and you took advantage of me," Bella started to weep softly. I could feel her shoulders slumping, her body folding inward, and I knew this wouldn't be easy for her. I held her closer as she continued, "I thought you truly wanted a relationship with me, and I stupidly fell for your lies. You had your way with me for months, knocked me up, then kicked me to the curb." Bella took in a long shaky breath and whispered, "You wouldn't even visit her in the NICU."

All the life, all the fight was sucked out of Bella in that tiny moment. I clutched her tightly to my chest, literally holding her up as her gentle weeping gave way to gut wrenching sobs. Somehow she'd turned to face me and buried her face in my shirt, and I glared at Riley. His features remained neutral during Bella's emotional breakdown, and made the worst decision of his life by uttering his next words.

"Did you really think she would have survived? You told me yourself her chances were slim. She'd had three strokes, was on a ventilator, and only weighed two pounds at the end. Why put myself through that misery?"

The funny thing about women is their emotions can change at the drop of a hat. One second they're crying into your shirt, and the next they're ripping handfuls of hair from an already balding scalp and breaking ribs with the force of their kicks.

Bella went on a rampage, and I happily watched as she pummeled Riley into a mass of broken bones and bleeding flesh. Reluctantly, I stepped in, pulling Bella off of Riley's lifeless frame. Shortly thereafter, medics arrived on the set, hoisted Riley onto a stretcher destined for a few nights in the hospital, and stitched up Bella's busted knuckles. Police showed up, too, and luckily, Riley didn't press charges. He must have figured he didn't have a chance at beating Bella in a rematch. The only smart thing that cum-guzzler ever did.

After being separated from Bella during her questioning, I pushed my way through the crowd that had gathered and found her sitting cross-legged and leaning against the wall. Her head was tilted back, eyes closed, and she sighed heavily with every other breath. We were outside the dark room now, and as I stared down at her, I noticed how exhausted she looked.

"Can I join you?" I asked and hesitantly took up residence next to her, mimicking her posture.

"If you're here to pity me, then forget it," Bella sneered, shook her head, and followed with, "I'm sorry, but I just don't have the energy to wallow over that selfish prick anymore. I've already spent years recovering, years planning what it would be like to beat him to the point of unrecognizability, and now that I have, I don't feel any better." She paused, took a deep breath, and slammed her fists on the floor. "It's not fucking fair! He stole the girl I used to be, ripped her to pieces, and put her back together all wrong. You may as well run while you can. I'm no good anymore."

With her eyes still closed, she allowed a single tear to escape and run down her cheek. I caught it with my thumb and turned her face toward me. "Look at me, Bella. Please, open your eyes."

Blinking open her eyes, Bella stared at my chin. Not good enough.

"I know you can do better that. Look at me," I pleaded, adjusting her face so she was forced to look into my eyes. "I know I can't even begin to imagine what you went through, but I do know you're better than him. You're stronger for what you endured at his expense, and from what I witnessed in there, more resilient than you're giving yourself credit for. Quit labeling yourself as the helpless girl who lost something, the fragile girl who gave up. Don't dwell on the bad things that make you miserable. Buck up, know that you survived despite your past, and treasure the experiences you want to."

A small smile broke on Bella's face. "You really think that? I thought you'd bolt the second you saw me go batshit crazy in there," she sniffled and looked away. "It still hurts, you know. Losing her."

I pulled her closer to me, cradling her body against mine. She rested her head in the crook of my shoulder and gripped the back of my shirt in tight fists. "I wish I could tell you it will all be okay, but I don't think that part will ever go away completely. Would it help if you talked about her? I'm not going anywhere."

Kissing the top of her head and running my fingers through her hair, I felt her relax, "Maybe not right now, but if you stick around for awhile, I promise to tell you all about Leah."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Show of hands… how many readers saw that train wreck coming? Bella showed Riley who was the boss, though, Aro was in on it the entire time (bastard!), and Edward said he's not going anywhere. Awww! But Bella's got some more recovering to do, and what about the other couples? What will they think about this? And who wants to guess what happens to the show?**

**Thanks again for sticking around to see what happens to these guys. They need all the support they can get, and you know what that means… Review and tell me all about how much you hate me, or love me, or wanna throw Riley into the ocean with shark bait attached. Can't wait to hear from you!**

**Loves and snugs,**

**M ;)**


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